I’m sorry your going through this Zac, many of us on here have had many of the same feelings. I’m pretty new on here and don’t feel qualified to give you advise. You are not alone in your struggle. I also believed I was destine to die by suicide or at the very least young. Sometimes those feeling come back. I’m now 60 and hoping for a long healthy life. I have started with a new counselor last week. Have a 2nd session today. If this doesn’t work out I’m simply and unapologetically going to find a new one. I know I need help and I’m destined to find it. It’s good to vent on here. I wish you well in your journey. BobTherapy has been becoming increasingly frustrating and I've left feeling worse and worse every time.
It feels like my T isn't listening. Like she doesn't understand how severe my emotions are, how intense they are. But she just isn't listening!
My mantra the last while has been "Everything is meaningless. Nothing is real. Nothing matters. I can do anything I want and no one can stop me." Which, that is all very true to me. I see my life as void of meaning, I haven't felt alive for so long, Nothing I am doing matters, I can do anything I want ANYTHING and no one can stop me and I don't particularly care about the consequences.
I am doing my best to live a life that others consider positive/productive. I go to the gym frequently. I spend lots of time socializing. I go outside and get sunshine frequently. I read. I do my best at school (even though its not enough). I go to therapy and speak honestly about what I am feeling. I am working on quitting smoking. I haven't gotten drunk for a while.
I do also do things that people would consider bad. Don't sleep. Don't eat as much as I should. Meet up with older men...
Not today's session but last time my T almost started crying because she said I am unpredictable. It felt good to me when she said that but I felt uncomfortable that she was going to cry. It felt almost like she was going to try to guilt me into changing something.
But I firmly believe that everything is meaningless, I'm not real, nothing I do matters. I believe that I am destined to die by suicide, not anytime remotely soon I promise. Since I was 13 I believed this, it comes and goes in it's intensity but it has always been a thought of mine.
I feel so numb yet I also feel so much pain. Such intense pain. It is like I am endlessly screaming but no one can hear me. I don't hide the fact that I am not doing well (depending on who it is I won't let on how severely not well), but no one sees me. No one gets what I am trying to say. I am speaking a different language.
My T tries to compliment me but I can't stand it, it makes me so angry. I've told her I am not allowed to believe nice things about myself (this stems from two years of 24/7 emotional abuse) and that I am unhappy when she says those things. It feels forced. When I speak of my eternal intense loneliness she tells me every human is lonely, and I shut up. It feels she is disregarding what I am trying to tell her. I know other people feel lonely but mine is different than most people. I grew up lonely, I was traumatized lonely, I live lonely. I don't even have myself to be lonely with.
If you think she is trying to tell me I am not alone that doesn't feel like it. Because she doesn't say I'm not alone. She says everyone is lonely and leaves it there.
I don't care if I throw away my life. I can do anything, and I don't particularly care about consequences. There are guys who are offering me a lot of money to be their "sugar baby" and I am completely fine with that life. I can make money by doing nothing but just being young and gay. I don't really care if I sell myself, I don't like myself. I don't care about what happens to me.
I don't feel alive or real. I feel numb but also in pain and angry.
I am not going to do anything stupid or anything to hurt myself. I just needed to release everything. Thank you.
We are always fighting lol. IDK how to explain that. She's a real person and she doesn't hide it, and a woman, and a survivor. AND as she says, a Sicilian lol.It feels good to be wanted by men. I get messages everyday of strangers calling me hot or cute or whatever. My first boyfriend spent two years telling me how ugly and awful I was, so these guys are refreshing. It doesn't rule my life or whatever it is just something to do that makes me feel good, at least for a bit.
If you don't mind my asking, what did your T do that pissed you off?