My dear brother, you're kindness and introspection need to be held close and gently. Be that gentle with yourself, and let this part that heart heavy have a little break. I have made my life to exemplify the goodness in the life of whom we follow and whose resurrection holds promise. I've compartmentalized the old, and face life through the most supportive in the new. There are ways of looking to the word which filter through other's mindset, and they can make a fog which we're unable to see ourselves.
Kindness to yourself first, let that build some, while the other rests, and talk further about one part at a time. I hope this seems satisfactory and not pushy. What goal you can do for one part, and doing some work toward that one, can ease your conflicting parts. It can give you time to have some peace from stress. Be well brother.
I have run the gamut when it comes to God, so I understand what you are talking about. Try to see that God loves you just as you are. Remember, you are created in His image and I pray you come to a point where you can see His love and give yourself some of that same love.
For years I begged God to change me. But I am still gay. I had to come to the point where I had to accept that God created who I am and I made peace with him. I try to show myself some of the love I feel from Him.
I have always respected you and value your presence here. Keep talking.
We are made in the image of God we have three parts to ourselves the spirit, the soul and our body. We are not just physical beings having temporary spiritual experiences. We are eternal spiritual beings having a temporary physical experience i.e. our time on this Earth.
In today's society I believe we are told erroneously to find our identity in what we do be it our jobs, who we sleep with (sexuality) or by what we are to others son brother father but all of this is really a very small part of who we are. Even being a survivor while a part of who I am it does not define whose I am. I am a new creature, I am a child of a King. It is Christ to whom I belong that I know who I am and whose I am...please realize you are indeed a prince designed to live eternally. When we grasp on to knowing not only who we are but whose we are it helps answer so many questions of Identity.