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- Thread starterLoneWolfX
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While I was processing the second event that happened to me...There are vivid memories, a completely blank area and dreamlike memories. This is one reason that I left that particular incident until last to process.
I came to realize that the blank area, was going to remain blank no matter how hard I tried to remember. I liken it to being in a photographer's darkroom...where there is absolutely no light, it literally is black.
I had to process the event without that area. Although I still think about it...it is always blank. So, I don't borrow trouble by trying to imagine it or figure it out. I just leave it where it is. What ever happened in that time lost belongs to the perpetrator...not me.
much love
Greg
I came to realize that the blank area, was going to remain blank no matter how hard I tried to remember. I liken it to being in a photographer's darkroom...where there is absolutely no light, it literally is black.
I had to process the event without that area. Although I still think about it...it is always blank. So, I don't borrow trouble by trying to imagine it or figure it out. I just leave it where it is. What ever happened in that time lost belongs to the perpetrator...not me.
much love
Greg
In writing my response above, I've triggered myself into remembering the incident...so much so that I've decided to tell of it.
Vividly: I remember that I was asleep facing the wall. He grabbed my shoulder and forced me on my back.
I remember him placing his knees on both arms.
I remember that he rubbed himself(his privates) in my face.
I remember turning my face back and forth to avoid him.
I remember his smell.
Then everything is blank...pitch black...no memories at all.
I vaguely remember a brass door knob
Dreamlike:
I remember running down the hallway in my shorts.
I remember seeing the lighted globes of the hallway passing above. the halls were an orange like color.
I remember a set of wooden double doors...they had glass windows in the top, and some sort of metal on the bottom halves.
I remember slamming both hands down on the night guards desk.
I remember a shocked look in his eyes, and his mouth was fully open.
I remember him picking up a receiver.
Vividly: I remember waking up on a red vinyl sofa, it had chrome arms. I was still in my shorts and was very cold.
Glimpses and dreamlike over the following three days:
I remember being in my room again, I was packing my belongings...there were two armed guards...one inside with me and the other standing outside the door.
I remember standing in front of the commander in his office.
I remember being in a stark room with just a bed and window. I opened the door to find my bearings. There was an armed guard standing to the left of the door. He turned and looked at me...I closed the door without speaking.
I remember speaking to a chaplin. I remember telling him that my father and brother were in the Navy and how they told stories of what they did and how they made life long friends. I remember that I told him I did not want to be around these people here.
I remember sitting in front of the commander at his desk with the rapist sitting to my left.
I remember sitting in front of the commander at his desk. He placed a paper in front of me and asked me to sign it. I remember him telling me that it was a "conditional honorable discharge".
I remember him speaking to someone from my family by phone. He told them that I was too homesick and too immature to finish my contract.
There are a few things I remember from the following day, but they are unimportant.
Vividly: I remember the ride home from the airport from which my parents picked me up. I remember the deafening silence. But, that could be because I was too shamed and embarrassed to talk...it could be that they picked up the cue from me.
It had never been discussed. When my mother was 80, she asked what happened. I told her that I had been raped. She squeezed me and told me that she was sorry.
That's the end of the story. I'm glad, because I feel like by triggering...that I've given him back some of his power to shame and guilt me. I'll have to work on that again. Probably a good night's sleep will have me back on track again.
much love
Greg
Vividly: I remember that I was asleep facing the wall. He grabbed my shoulder and forced me on my back.
I remember him placing his knees on both arms.
I remember that he rubbed himself(his privates) in my face.
I remember turning my face back and forth to avoid him.
I remember his smell.
Then everything is blank...pitch black...no memories at all.
I vaguely remember a brass door knob
Dreamlike:
I remember running down the hallway in my shorts.
I remember seeing the lighted globes of the hallway passing above. the halls were an orange like color.
I remember a set of wooden double doors...they had glass windows in the top, and some sort of metal on the bottom halves.
I remember slamming both hands down on the night guards desk.
I remember a shocked look in his eyes, and his mouth was fully open.
I remember him picking up a receiver.
Vividly: I remember waking up on a red vinyl sofa, it had chrome arms. I was still in my shorts and was very cold.
Glimpses and dreamlike over the following three days:
I remember being in my room again, I was packing my belongings...there were two armed guards...one inside with me and the other standing outside the door.
I remember standing in front of the commander in his office.
I remember being in a stark room with just a bed and window. I opened the door to find my bearings. There was an armed guard standing to the left of the door. He turned and looked at me...I closed the door without speaking.
I remember speaking to a chaplin. I remember telling him that my father and brother were in the Navy and how they told stories of what they did and how they made life long friends. I remember that I told him I did not want to be around these people here.
I remember sitting in front of the commander at his desk with the rapist sitting to my left.
I remember sitting in front of the commander at his desk. He placed a paper in front of me and asked me to sign it. I remember him telling me that it was a "conditional honorable discharge".
I remember him speaking to someone from my family by phone. He told them that I was too homesick and too immature to finish my contract.
There are a few things I remember from the following day, but they are unimportant.
Vividly: I remember the ride home from the airport from which my parents picked me up. I remember the deafening silence. But, that could be because I was too shamed and embarrassed to talk...it could be that they picked up the cue from me.
It had never been discussed. When my mother was 80, she asked what happened. I told her that I had been raped. She squeezed me and told me that she was sorry.
That's the end of the story. I'm glad, because I feel like by triggering...that I've given him back some of his power to shame and guilt me. I'll have to work on that again. Probably a good night's sleep will have me back on track again.
much love
Greg
Last edited by a moderator:
Sorry this is so late. I had some kind of virus and was just released from the hospital yesterday.
A lot of logical assumptions can be "filled in", from what I do remember.
I must have either escaped or the rapist let me go.
I must have seen more of the hallway than I remember.
The night guard must have shown me the red sofa.
The time spent with the commander and chaplain would have been about the rape'
When I was in front of the commander with the rapist sitting beside me, there must have been an interview/interrogation going on.
There are other assumptions, but are not important.
The other thing that I do remember is that I was in the Air Force for 3mos. and 27days.
much love
Greg
A lot of logical assumptions can be "filled in", from what I do remember.
I must have either escaped or the rapist let me go.
I must have seen more of the hallway than I remember.
The night guard must have shown me the red sofa.
The time spent with the commander and chaplain would have been about the rape'
When I was in front of the commander with the rapist sitting beside me, there must have been an interview/interrogation going on.
There are other assumptions, but are not important.
The other thing that I do remember is that I was in the Air Force for 3mos. and 27days.
much love
Greg
Last edited by a moderator:
