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Aden

Registrant
Howard,

Do you feel sexualy abused? If so, then you probably belong here. You will be welcome to stay until you figure that out.

The dynamic between mothers and sons is curious. I'd rip my own eyes out before I'd thouch my mother in an inappropriat way. But then I don't even like it when she gives me a simple hug.

Who, besides your inner self, knows what that is all about? There are some guys here who have much more insight about such matters than me. Give tham some time to respond or keep posting about your confusion. You will find some others who might help.

Aden
 
Howard

nobody thinks it's a gripe, sounds like she really has screwed you up.

This is a new one on me, mother/son thing, but we've all been thru similar shattering life experiences here.

Hope you can find a way out of this hole

Peace and hope

ste
 
Howard,

You certainly have some issues. Just the thought of comming within 3 feet of my mom makes me want to vomit, so in that respect we are miles apart.

You said, "The problem seems to be two-fold: one is that nothing physical happened to me (that I can recall, after 8 years of therapy). "

That's not an unusual problem if something really bad did happen. If I had sat in therapy for 20 years in the distant past I wouldn't have been aware of the event that damaged me. That took 35 years before I involuntarily lived through the terror. That's not to say in your case that something definately happened, it may well not have. Having said that, from what you describe about your moms checking you out at any oppertunity and buying you silk underware, how old were you when this happened? Like if your talking about late teens onwards, she definately has issues of her own, because in my humble opinion, that is not a normal mother/son relationship. It's much easier for women to hide their abuse under the pretence of caring for you, when indeed there motives could well be the opposite.

I am no expert, but I cant help wondering if your boundaries weren't frequently crossed when you were a child to the point where you are now not able to work out what they are. Is your mom someone who makes you feel bad if you don't do something to make her feel good?

I think you were very brave to write what you did, so don't stop there.
 
Boy, I sure don't want your mom. But I'll bet that you wouldn't want mine either. It is in part the "subtlety" of the relationship that makes it so hard to understand.

You know that I really love my mom. Someday I hope to be able to forgive her for the things she didn't even know she was doing.

It isn't what your mom intended that matters. It is how YOU feel about it that counts.

It is strange, but in this screwed up world, love can do as much harm as neglect. When I catch up with the force that made the rules, it is going to have some serious explaining to do.

Aden
 
Hi
you wrote
"..masturbating and fantasy to stay in control and relieve tension, sex with both men and women, raging, caretaking, isolated, no self-belief, sneaky, and claustrophobic. Can anyone empathize with this? "

yes fully! :(

also, I had this (and other) stuff going on for all of my adult life until I finally broke down at 37 and came face to face with 'my secret'....so maybe don't be looking for "the big answer" too much and better just work on what's in close reach.

also, I have found a lot of covert stuff with my mother, as well as actual sexual abuse (abused by both genders so no one's safe!).....all I can say is I got angry, I realised that some of it she didn't know what she was doing, but still angry about what she did, or should have known about - and then at the end of the day I realised - this was my mother, I still love her - but if she was alive now it would be different, I would have to challenge her behaviour - would expect rejection and anger -still would have helped me to break the apron strings sooner......

about the compulsion/sexual release thing the only thing that helped me was realising how wonderful my wife and dogs are and how I didn't want to lose them - that helped me get to grips with my behaviour (though I still slip sometimes and feel guilty as hell) - of course it could work the other way I suppose - make you realise the relationship isn't so wonderful and you'd be better off on your own :confused:

anyway, hope it helps to know someone else knows about that compulsive stuff and mother/son incest - and one thing for sure, you're not alone here!

best wishes
Solitary Aardvark
 
Howard, just a quick note to assure you that a number of men here were treated in an inappropriate way by their mother or their father. You can know that you are not alone in that.

Bob
 
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