Hi Guys!
I realized last night when I got home that I had not included a definition of "acting out" that has also been given to me by several therapists.
As a point of interest; I had thought that - because I have to travel so much - having several therapists would prove confusing. I have found the opposite to be true. It keeps me from having a narrow view of all the aspescts of my recovery. And it also keeps me from having only one point of view about everything about experiencing life that I bring up in therapy. They have all spoken abvout acting out pretty much the same way / definition.
What I'd forgotten to define yesterday was an interesting and equally believeable definition of "acting out". It makes total sense to me.
It has also been defined to me as "a deep inner belief about ones' self - that is usually rooted in our subconscious - and that comes from repeated actions from outside of ourselves. (words and assaults that create a belief about ourselves which may be so deeply rooted in our subconscious that we do not even know that we believe this about ourselves). We act out the truth of that belief as a ritual act of affirming what we have been taught about ourselves by the words/actions of others. (Words are tools we use to define our actions towards others. Examples are - we use words to comfort someone, to confront someone, to demean someone, to cherish someone, to destroy someone... All of those verbs are actions that we do through differing was of communicating - the most common being what we say to someone).
Examples of this are - with no offense meant to anyone - society repeatedly teaches gay men that their relationships are meaningless, sexualized, and without concern for each others health or well being. We are repeatedly taught that our "relatinships" are of lesser value than heterosexual relationships. As a result - as a way of confirming and confirming this belief about ourselves we act out that truth by doing exactly what we have been taught and defined as by others. We ritually have annonymous sex as a group. We act out exactly what we have been taught about ourselves.
Another example is the connundrum of the sexually abused boy. I myself was taught over and over by almost every man I met and encountered between the ages of 7 and 17 that I was not worth spending time with except as a little item to be used to get themselves off on. As a result, I cannot to this day imagine someone spending time with me if that is not the sought out result. I have many facts that have happened to me that counter that belief; but nothing has changed that belief. I will probably always think that i am of no use spending time with except for the fact that I am good for use for sex. I have not met anyone or read anything that can change a deeply rooted belief that has been that ingrained in a person. I know that I don't have to let that happen to me - be done to me; but thet fact that I always feel that way remains very intact. If I did not have therapy, I would probably act that belief out for I don't know how long, because I wouldn't have had the understanding that those beliefs and feelings are deeply rooted in my unconscious mind because of the repeated actions of others.
Going to a bathroom and having sex wioth numerous strangers - has been defined to me as a ritual acting out behavior that re-affirms what the abusers taught me about myself. That I am only of use as a tool to get off on. Getting strangers to beat me up would be another way of acting out that belief about myself. As would spending hours and hours a day doing sexuall acts via the internet.
In that definition of acting out - which makes a lot of sense to me - one is re-affirming a belief about ones' self that came about as a result of repeated teachings by the actions of others.
As a reference to "acting in", I was also thinking about that last night. It is a strange term. As I understand it, all actions are acted out. An act is not an act unless it is done. Even cutting ones' self or killing ones' self is an outward action. The act of cutting has to be done by you to yourself. Inner actions are very few, and include such things as - to think - to weigh the options - etc... but even these actions are clearly manifested by a persons behavior. Even words are only tools for actions. We use words to calm someone - to celebrate someone - to demean someones' experience of being with us - to avoid connection or commitment - etc...
My education was in the study of actions and affect. I studdied actions and emotions for more than 5 years. (Only one of my teachers is considered to have been one of the three or four most influential teachers on the subject of the past century, but a couple of the other teachers are also highly regarded world wide). In my studies - we learned that all actions are outward in their manifestations.
Even inner acts - such as to think or to contemplate or to act like it doesn't mean anything to me - are all very readable actions in their behavioral aspects. It is easy to see that a person is deeply thinking - or - pretending to not be affected by one's surroundings. One is truthful- meaning it is something that the person really needs to do and is really doing; and the other is false/manipulative; meaning the person is pretending to do something and is not really doing it. One cannot actually be devoid of being affected by the things that happen around ones' self. One can only act as if that is true. Therby making it a untruthful action. Example is the current fashion of - let's say - store clerks asking "how are you?" and staring at a pretend disinterested spot accross the room. Their action is a lie. They are pretending to have no interest in how you are doing. If they really didn't care, they would not say the words. If they have to ask as part of their job, but do not want to invest themselves in the action, then they are faking the act of doing their job. Their real action is defined as pretending to not be doing what they are doing, or demeaning you by pretending that you are not worth acknowledging. Either way they a faking their behavior. They are acting a point of view. A real point of view is a deeply held conviction which moves one to act/speak/etc. The only person I have studied the actions of who truly separated affect from his actions was Hitler. He was able to list facts that could justify what he was doing; but he was never able to jusify his actions emotionally. He convinced a nation to do the killing of their neighbors by staying very factual and devoid of affect. If one gives information as an action, it is an act of avoiding human contact.
From what I have learned - and witnessed - in the suicidal actions and other acting out behaviors I have seen or been told about, all of the actions whether done to the self or to an other as acts to end feeling like they felt - not seeing other ways of expressing the emotions coming from those deeply rooted beliefs about themselves.
In the end I would think that acting out is actions taken to avoid really feeling - and done without an understanding of the hurtful impact the actions might have on ones' self or others.
Oy!
Asher
