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scotty4686
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- Thread starterscotty4686
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There is an online program called pride. You may try doing a search on that or sexual addiction to see if you can find it. Those who know my past here know I struggled with many such problems. By defining a healthy level, and setting clear guidelines, I was able to throttle back to a level I could live happily with. I know others cant do that, and must completely abstain.
When people tell you it is healthy, that means they have peace with it. If you feel ashamed or controlled by it, then it is a problem for you. What you have to decide is what amount is okay, and what constitutes a problem. Then you can work on reducing your use to a level you can be happy with. Look for the PRIDE group, it helped me.
if i can help, PM me. i will tell you anything i can...jeffrey
When people tell you it is healthy, that means they have peace with it. If you feel ashamed or controlled by it, then it is a problem for you. What you have to decide is what amount is okay, and what constitutes a problem. Then you can work on reducing your use to a level you can be happy with. Look for the PRIDE group, it helped me.
if i can help, PM me. i will tell you anything i can...jeffrey
scotty4686
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ScottyTodd
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Scotty - I hear your frustration with responders who feel "it's healthy". For some it may be but to others it becomes tantamount to an addiction. I believe it can be the worst kind of addictive behavior because you carry the two things you need with you all the time, your mind and your penis. You don't need to buy anything, procure anything nor do you need anyone else to successfully achieve your goal. That said...let's look at some applicable issues.
To slow maturbation down means to intervene in the cycle that includes "sexual thinking" and your physical urges (since we obviously aren't going to get rid of those two parts). That means being aware of when those sexual thoughts begin and refocusing on another task, some different thoughts, any other projects (painting, woodwork, etc.). [OR] Put your physical urges to physical tasks...exercising, work around the house (or wherever), lifting weights, running listening to soothing music, etc.
Sometimes masturbation is used like drugs, alcohol, food -etc. to cover a hurtful feeling (loneliness, fear, depression,etc.). If this is where your urges begin, you need to address this problem and the unhealthy ways you cope with it. I am assuming (?dangerous?) you have a T and are processing this with them. If not, this is an area you need someone outside yourself to support you in controlling this. There may also be a group (Incest Survivors, Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse or even any 12 step program around you) that can act as yor support. These groups also offer a sponsor who is a person with a fair amount of clean/stabilized/acting-out free time who will help you with what helped them.
I'm sure there are many more suggestions but offer these as a beginning. The struggles you are experiencing are common to abuse survivors and many guys give in or give up because they feel overwhelmed about masturbation. However, with determination and support, we can find a comfortable degree of control over it. That is, one we can accept and live with.
I hope this was helpful!
Howard
To slow maturbation down means to intervene in the cycle that includes "sexual thinking" and your physical urges (since we obviously aren't going to get rid of those two parts). That means being aware of when those sexual thoughts begin and refocusing on another task, some different thoughts, any other projects (painting, woodwork, etc.). [OR] Put your physical urges to physical tasks...exercising, work around the house (or wherever), lifting weights, running listening to soothing music, etc.
Sometimes masturbation is used like drugs, alcohol, food -etc. to cover a hurtful feeling (loneliness, fear, depression,etc.). If this is where your urges begin, you need to address this problem and the unhealthy ways you cope with it. I am assuming (?dangerous?) you have a T and are processing this with them. If not, this is an area you need someone outside yourself to support you in controlling this. There may also be a group (Incest Survivors, Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse or even any 12 step program around you) that can act as yor support. These groups also offer a sponsor who is a person with a fair amount of clean/stabilized/acting-out free time who will help you with what helped them.
I'm sure there are many more suggestions but offer these as a beginning. The struggles you are experiencing are common to abuse survivors and many guys give in or give up because they feel overwhelmed about masturbation. However, with determination and support, we can find a comfortable degree of control over it. That is, one we can accept and live with.
I hope this was helpful!
Howard
I fall into both camps, I masturbate sometimes because I feel a bit horny in the shower - and that's ok with me.
But sometimes something goes 'click' in my mind and I know that the process of constructing a fantasy is beginning and that it will only end with masturbation.
This I hate.
Scotty, I know how hard it is to stop that desire. And it's no use going off to do something else, no matter how pleasureable or useful it might be. That's just a distraction and I'll carry on sometime later. Once the 'click' has happened there is only ONE outcome.
I sat here a couple of days ago doing some homework and research online and the 'click' happened.
I knew what would happen, I'd look at porn and masturbate - but I fought it hard.
I got a couple of emails, replied to them. Went off-line and made some lunch. Good boy !
My friend called 'round, so we drank coffee for an hour or so.
I had to go out, so I had a shower and got ready. Didn't crank one off in the shower, good boy again.
I looked at my watch and I was 20 mins early.
Click click click with the mouse - porn and masturbate.
That was about 5 hours after the first click in my head and many distractions later.
Why ?
Dave
But sometimes something goes 'click' in my mind and I know that the process of constructing a fantasy is beginning and that it will only end with masturbation.
This I hate.
Scotty, I know how hard it is to stop that desire. And it's no use going off to do something else, no matter how pleasureable or useful it might be. That's just a distraction and I'll carry on sometime later. Once the 'click' has happened there is only ONE outcome.
I sat here a couple of days ago doing some homework and research online and the 'click' happened.
I knew what would happen, I'd look at porn and masturbate - but I fought it hard.
I got a couple of emails, replied to them. Went off-line and made some lunch. Good boy !
My friend called 'round, so we drank coffee for an hour or so.
I had to go out, so I had a shower and got ready. Didn't crank one off in the shower, good boy again.
I looked at my watch and I was 20 mins early.
Click click click with the mouse - porn and masturbate.
That was about 5 hours after the first click in my head and many distractions later.
Why ?
Dave
scotty4686
Registrant
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Because you are a male, in short it simple biology. Good grief, whats next, are we to wonder if SA is the cause of all this compulsive breathing? Does abuse cause an unhealthy addiction to Oxygen? Yes thats right I just compared masturbation to breathing (PLEASE NOTE only one you can do in public with out getting you arrested) its a biological function. You can stop doing it for weeks, but at some point Mr. Happy is going to demand satisfaction, and one way or another hes going to get it.
scotty4686
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James_dup1
Registrant
For some this is there drug of choice. If you kept a journel of when you did it, what you were feeling at the time..etc. Things like that you find a pattern in your life. You will find that your feeling a serten way when you "self" medicate with this. In order to stop this in your life you need to identify the trigger's you have. Then you can start working on avoiding the triggers. Im like you I feel that my self medicating isnt something that's good for me. I fight with it daily. Good luck.
James
James
learning2remember
Registrant
I'm with you on that, "Don't tell me it's ok" thing.
I've been compulsive about it for a while, trying to believe it was o.k., but not liking the control it had over me.
Also, the fantasies I had confused me.
(Interestingly enough, recognizing my abuse changed the fantasies and the compulsion somewhat.)
My faith is important to me, but reading the Bible was sometimes sort of like just delaying the inevitable. Besides, you sometimes stumble upon stimulating scripture where you least expect it.
I have actually compiled a litany of Christian and Jewish readings to use when bathing. This is a powerful tool in my healing journey--not just in terms of controling masturbation.
Before I got to that stage, it helped me to say to myself, "You are created in the image of God." In repeating this, I was not reprimanding my temptation or trying to shame myself. Just the opposite. This reminder of my worth has been very effective in overcoming the urge.
So, for me, it was necessary and effective to improve my self-image/sense of self worth. As I improve in that area, the urges do not plague me as much.
For me, it is not necessary to abstain, there are occasions when I feel it is o.k.
BUT!!!
This is like an addict playing with fire.
SO, theoretically, I do not think it is all bad, but practically it is better for me not to get into it. Finally, healthy self esteem is my most effective preventative measure.
You are not alone.
I've been compulsive about it for a while, trying to believe it was o.k., but not liking the control it had over me.
Also, the fantasies I had confused me.
(Interestingly enough, recognizing my abuse changed the fantasies and the compulsion somewhat.)
My faith is important to me, but reading the Bible was sometimes sort of like just delaying the inevitable. Besides, you sometimes stumble upon stimulating scripture where you least expect it.
I have actually compiled a litany of Christian and Jewish readings to use when bathing. This is a powerful tool in my healing journey--not just in terms of controling masturbation.
Before I got to that stage, it helped me to say to myself, "You are created in the image of God." In repeating this, I was not reprimanding my temptation or trying to shame myself. Just the opposite. This reminder of my worth has been very effective in overcoming the urge.
So, for me, it was necessary and effective to improve my self-image/sense of self worth. As I improve in that area, the urges do not plague me as much.
For me, it is not necessary to abstain, there are occasions when I feel it is o.k.
BUT!!!
This is like an addict playing with fire.
SO, theoretically, I do not think it is all bad, but practically it is better for me not to get into it. Finally, healthy self esteem is my most effective preventative measure.
You are not alone.
Scotty4686,
I wish I had a magic bullet to instantly change things, but Im afraid all I can offer is a lot of hard, hard work. As I struggled with masturbation, porn and fantasy, I found it was hurting my relationship, and dulling the feelings I had for and with her. I too believe there is a point where this stuff is NOT healthy. Unlike drugs or drinking, where a person can measure success by complete avoidance, sex has to remain part of our lives, but in a healthy way. Here is how I addressed it, and I hope you find something there that can help.
First, I had to clearly define for my self what healthy or normal was. I found that if I could rationalize my way into things, I would, and only by getting a clear picture of what was and wasnt acceptable could I begin to address my actions. What is excessive masturbation? I mean surely some is healthy. It can help span the gap between you and your mates sex drives if they are unequal. It can relieve stress and pressure at times when you may not have a partner, and I feel that it can be a positive. Yet, when it becomes addictive and overwhelming, clearly it is a problem. Six times a day is not healthy for most. It is robbing your mate of the intimacy and affection they need. The fantasies involved can detract from attaching and feeling close to your partner. I found in my case fantasizing of other women, groups, animals or whatever, opened my mind to outsiders, and diluted how I should of felt for my wife.
Being a Christian, I turned to the Bible to help me define how I should be conducting my life, but you can do the same inside your own mind as well. First, I decided that fantasies of anything other than my wife, made me want things I couldnt have. They led to me being unsettled in a long-term relationship, and further deepened my need to escape into masturbation to enjoy them. The first thing I threw out the window was masturbating to fantasies of anyone other than my wife. Porn did much the same thing, detracting from my real relationship by filling me with unrealistic ideas, hopes and thoughts. Living in the here and now, and enjoying what is real was important for me. Porn had to go, for me.
To decide how masturbation could be healthy, I turned to male biology. A man produces ejaculate, it remains viable for three days or so, and if not released it has to be absorbed and replaced. Our bodies are wired to urge us to seek release before it has to waste time and energy absorbing unused semen. This happens in physical pressure from seminal glands, and hormonal changes that increase our drive. Men are on this natural cycle that ranges from 48-72 hours. I figured why fight nature? After all, God built me this way. In my mind, a release every two or three days is perfectly healthy.
Now all I had to do was start living by my ideals, boundaries if you want. The mind is a funny thing. If we live up to what we expect of ourselves we are very happy. It is when we fall short of our own expectations that we suffer. Armed with my defined goals, I could finally start modifying my behaviors in steps. I began by walking away from porn. When I had it firmly under control, I modified my fantasies and allowed myself to only dream of my wife while masturbating especially. In time, my fantasies outside of masturbation changed as well. A person cannot help what he dreams while asleep, Im not saying that, but we can control what we dwell on while were awake, so I did. You will be surprised how much of the masturbation is driven by fantasy or porn. When you remove them, the urges become more controllable and livable. I mean if all you are armed with when you go to masturbate is memories of times with your mate, soon they arent as overpowering. In other words, they are boring if you will, boring and not as motivating.
Finally, I addressed the masturbation itself. I felt my body was driven on this 3 day cycle, so I have one simple ideal, I allow myself a release at least every third day. For example, my wife and I had sex Monday night, so that started the 3 days. Tonight will be the third day. I know that she has to work, and we will not be able to have sex. Tonight I will likely masturbate, but because it fits my ideals, I can do so without guilt or shame. I also know she is off tomorrow, and that sex is much better when I am well-primed, so I may abstain tonight so that tomorrow will be better.
Intimacy with my wife is always healthy, so if I get it more than every third day, then that is a plus. Lets say I masturbated tonight, and then we made love tomorrow. Thats just a plus, and the three days would start over again after being with her. Basically, I am trying to honor the natural design of my body, and by living up to my vision of healthy, I feel good about it.
I realize this isnt for everyone, nor will everyone have the same vision of healthy. Each person must look at their own lives, set their own goals, and work to achieve them. A person has to get selfish, you have to be selfish enough to let nothing stop you from getting what you want, and living how you want. You have to focus on the overall and long-term, instead of living for the instant. It is a real change, one that means remaking your whole outlook, and all of it is based on what I learned in the PRIDE group I recommended above. We get so focused on today, that we loose sight of the whole picture. It is a flaw in humans in general, one that keeps us from living the way we want. We tend to obsess over what is happening right now, for example not getting to masturbate, and we loose sight of how we will feel if we dont. Now we feel needy and stressed, long-term we feel good because we feel healthy and normal instead of sick.
I hope this helps. It worked for me, and I know if a person applies long-term goals and real expectations to their lives that when they live up to them, they will feel good. Those good feelings can perpetuate themselves throughout your life, until you have the healthy attitude and emotions you want.
I wish I had a magic bullet to instantly change things, but Im afraid all I can offer is a lot of hard, hard work. As I struggled with masturbation, porn and fantasy, I found it was hurting my relationship, and dulling the feelings I had for and with her. I too believe there is a point where this stuff is NOT healthy. Unlike drugs or drinking, where a person can measure success by complete avoidance, sex has to remain part of our lives, but in a healthy way. Here is how I addressed it, and I hope you find something there that can help.
First, I had to clearly define for my self what healthy or normal was. I found that if I could rationalize my way into things, I would, and only by getting a clear picture of what was and wasnt acceptable could I begin to address my actions. What is excessive masturbation? I mean surely some is healthy. It can help span the gap between you and your mates sex drives if they are unequal. It can relieve stress and pressure at times when you may not have a partner, and I feel that it can be a positive. Yet, when it becomes addictive and overwhelming, clearly it is a problem. Six times a day is not healthy for most. It is robbing your mate of the intimacy and affection they need. The fantasies involved can detract from attaching and feeling close to your partner. I found in my case fantasizing of other women, groups, animals or whatever, opened my mind to outsiders, and diluted how I should of felt for my wife.
Being a Christian, I turned to the Bible to help me define how I should be conducting my life, but you can do the same inside your own mind as well. First, I decided that fantasies of anything other than my wife, made me want things I couldnt have. They led to me being unsettled in a long-term relationship, and further deepened my need to escape into masturbation to enjoy them. The first thing I threw out the window was masturbating to fantasies of anyone other than my wife. Porn did much the same thing, detracting from my real relationship by filling me with unrealistic ideas, hopes and thoughts. Living in the here and now, and enjoying what is real was important for me. Porn had to go, for me.
To decide how masturbation could be healthy, I turned to male biology. A man produces ejaculate, it remains viable for three days or so, and if not released it has to be absorbed and replaced. Our bodies are wired to urge us to seek release before it has to waste time and energy absorbing unused semen. This happens in physical pressure from seminal glands, and hormonal changes that increase our drive. Men are on this natural cycle that ranges from 48-72 hours. I figured why fight nature? After all, God built me this way. In my mind, a release every two or three days is perfectly healthy.
Now all I had to do was start living by my ideals, boundaries if you want. The mind is a funny thing. If we live up to what we expect of ourselves we are very happy. It is when we fall short of our own expectations that we suffer. Armed with my defined goals, I could finally start modifying my behaviors in steps. I began by walking away from porn. When I had it firmly under control, I modified my fantasies and allowed myself to only dream of my wife while masturbating especially. In time, my fantasies outside of masturbation changed as well. A person cannot help what he dreams while asleep, Im not saying that, but we can control what we dwell on while were awake, so I did. You will be surprised how much of the masturbation is driven by fantasy or porn. When you remove them, the urges become more controllable and livable. I mean if all you are armed with when you go to masturbate is memories of times with your mate, soon they arent as overpowering. In other words, they are boring if you will, boring and not as motivating.
Finally, I addressed the masturbation itself. I felt my body was driven on this 3 day cycle, so I have one simple ideal, I allow myself a release at least every third day. For example, my wife and I had sex Monday night, so that started the 3 days. Tonight will be the third day. I know that she has to work, and we will not be able to have sex. Tonight I will likely masturbate, but because it fits my ideals, I can do so without guilt or shame. I also know she is off tomorrow, and that sex is much better when I am well-primed, so I may abstain tonight so that tomorrow will be better.
Intimacy with my wife is always healthy, so if I get it more than every third day, then that is a plus. Lets say I masturbated tonight, and then we made love tomorrow. Thats just a plus, and the three days would start over again after being with her. Basically, I am trying to honor the natural design of my body, and by living up to my vision of healthy, I feel good about it.
I realize this isnt for everyone, nor will everyone have the same vision of healthy. Each person must look at their own lives, set their own goals, and work to achieve them. A person has to get selfish, you have to be selfish enough to let nothing stop you from getting what you want, and living how you want. You have to focus on the overall and long-term, instead of living for the instant. It is a real change, one that means remaking your whole outlook, and all of it is based on what I learned in the PRIDE group I recommended above. We get so focused on today, that we loose sight of the whole picture. It is a flaw in humans in general, one that keeps us from living the way we want. We tend to obsess over what is happening right now, for example not getting to masturbate, and we loose sight of how we will feel if we dont. Now we feel needy and stressed, long-term we feel good because we feel healthy and normal instead of sick.
I hope this helps. It worked for me, and I know if a person applies long-term goals and real expectations to their lives that when they live up to them, they will feel good. Those good feelings can perpetuate themselves throughout your life, until you have the healthy attitude and emotions you want.
Brian,
it is not as breathing. Breathing is required for life. Self pleasure is not. I am male. I am 23 years old. I have not done that yet, never, and rarely even think of it. If I do think of it, it just causes panic, so why bother to think more? It is not necessity of life for every man. And no, it is not that I do not do it because I am having intimate relations with someone. I do not do it at all, none of it.
Yes, you can tell me I am wrong, I am not normal, I am not 'real man' if I am not doing that. I have been told that before, and worried of not being normal before. It will not be first time, and not be first time by someone at this site. But fact is, we here are supposed to be supporting each other, not telling them what freaks they are because they do or do not engage in similar behaviors as ourselves.
Scotty, I am sorry I responded to this post in a manner that is not helpful to you, I wish I could have some advice or help to you. But to be honest, this is one of the subjects (the other is romantic relationships) that I have no idea of, no experience at all with. I know I should not have responded at all, I just felt the need to say what I did, and I am sorry if that is disrespect to you.
leosha
it is not as breathing. Breathing is required for life. Self pleasure is not. I am male. I am 23 years old. I have not done that yet, never, and rarely even think of it. If I do think of it, it just causes panic, so why bother to think more? It is not necessity of life for every man. And no, it is not that I do not do it because I am having intimate relations with someone. I do not do it at all, none of it.
Yes, you can tell me I am wrong, I am not normal, I am not 'real man' if I am not doing that. I have been told that before, and worried of not being normal before. It will not be first time, and not be first time by someone at this site. But fact is, we here are supposed to be supporting each other, not telling them what freaks they are because they do or do not engage in similar behaviors as ourselves.
Scotty, I am sorry I responded to this post in a manner that is not helpful to you, I wish I could have some advice or help to you. But to be honest, this is one of the subjects (the other is romantic relationships) that I have no idea of, no experience at all with. I know I should not have responded at all, I just felt the need to say what I did, and I am sorry if that is disrespect to you.
leosha
Mike Church
Registrant
Scotty:
For years I too was addicted to masturbation to the point where I would be a bloody mess and I mean that literally. It was if I was trying to destroy myself that way. My compulsion was overpowering. Now I tried reading, meditating, going to church, hot baths, cold baths, total abstinence forever, booze, drugs etc etc. None of it worked until I started to realize why I was doing it to myself. I wanted to resurrect the guilt and shame of the abuse and my life as a hustler. at the same time I think I wanted to do it till it fell off and my problems would all be solved.
What I did do was talk to my T and Doc, go to group meetings and played sports to the extreme. I was in too much pain to masturbate and did not have the engergy. That last seemed to work for me. did I slip on occasion. To be honest yes I did. But I also learned that it was not sinful or against god's laws. I mean who interpreted those laws. Well it was men like you and me.
But if I feel stressed to the point of compulsion I go to the GYN and work my ass off till I can hardly stand up. I enjoy a healthy sex life with my wife and that does help to. But I must be honest there are times when I just got to do it and I let myself because if I deny it it builds and builds and builds. I become like a time bomb waiting to explode.
So my best advice to you is plenty of hard exercise and therapy and talking about it. And for gods sake, if on occasion you slip, it is not the end of the world. Just recognize it for what it is: a method to prevent the bomb from going off.
For years I too was addicted to masturbation to the point where I would be a bloody mess and I mean that literally. It was if I was trying to destroy myself that way. My compulsion was overpowering. Now I tried reading, meditating, going to church, hot baths, cold baths, total abstinence forever, booze, drugs etc etc. None of it worked until I started to realize why I was doing it to myself. I wanted to resurrect the guilt and shame of the abuse and my life as a hustler. at the same time I think I wanted to do it till it fell off and my problems would all be solved.
What I did do was talk to my T and Doc, go to group meetings and played sports to the extreme. I was in too much pain to masturbate and did not have the engergy. That last seemed to work for me. did I slip on occasion. To be honest yes I did. But I also learned that it was not sinful or against god's laws. I mean who interpreted those laws. Well it was men like you and me.
But if I feel stressed to the point of compulsion I go to the GYN and work my ass off till I can hardly stand up. I enjoy a healthy sex life with my wife and that does help to. But I must be honest there are times when I just got to do it and I let myself because if I deny it it builds and builds and builds. I become like a time bomb waiting to explode.
So my best advice to you is plenty of hard exercise and therapy and talking about it. And for gods sake, if on occasion you slip, it is not the end of the world. Just recognize it for what it is: a method to prevent the bomb from going off.
scotty4686
Registrant
.