52 years old and new “information”

Chris-

Registrant
Hello,
I have just recently uncovered new and repressed memories. My older brother was hit by a car when he was young - pretty severe with lots of damage...facial and body as well as brain damage. I witnesses the aftermath of that and can clearly see him as he is on the side of the street. I have always had theses but gain clarity on other things recently. I grew up in a violent household where physical and emotion damage seems to of been the norm and not the exception - most of which was perpetrated by my brother. I had those memories but agin these become more clear with remembering more. The flood of feelings and memories came after I was particularly being a mean and verbally abusive jerk to my wife. One statement unlocked the other traumas from my childhood - 8 to 12/13. My wife had said - you are just like your brother...in what seemed minutes, my internal terror unfolded... feelings of overwhelming shame, flashes of the “other” abuse came crashing into my consciousness. The clips of getting dented by my parents when telling them of things that happen while a child keep playing too. I became a emotional mess...raging, screaming...totally unhinged. My wife who has stood by me and endured all my past self destructive behavior picked me up. I spent a lot of time researching and learning about this abuse was helpful while trying to get a therapist. A lot of what I read about had so many check of of what I became as a stunted adult was sobering. While I am hopeful each day, there are still many times during the course if being awake where I get so full of sadness and cry. Trying to stay functional while working a stressful job has been difficult but can easily use this to limo through the days without notice. My biggest question is how and when will this loose its grip on me. I feel like I make advances with my therapist, listen to podcasts... really trying to work it but still getting overwhelming emotions. I have not been a very emotional adult so this seems so strange to me.
 
Hey Chris,

You hit the nail on the head, thank you for sharing and explaining where you are at. I too have been in the darkest place in my life. With the help of my therapist, I am gaining a foothold for the moment, but just when things get a bit better something happens to me and there, I am alone and crying again. Your wife is a lifesaver, I am not married but have a dear friend that is walking with me through this mess. I'm not sure I could do this alone without support.

I have good days and bad ones, my work is very demanding, my dear friend and I are business partners, and bless her heart she is able to take on a bit more of the responsibilities as I can only do so much, lucky for us we have an incredible team. I have been able to cope and simply take it one day at a time. My fuse has been so short, and I am snapping at things that never bothered me, I wonder if i will ever get better
 
Chris,

I have been in therapy since May & what you are experiencing is pretty much what I still experience. Although the down days are far less frequent the further I go in therapy. Give it time & it will start getting better. There's a lot to process once you open that box! Best wishes & take care.
 
Hi Chris,

Welcome to MS. I'm glad you are getting some good support in your life (therapist, wife) to help you with what you are going through right now. Your wife sounds like a very supportive person and it sounds like you are very motivated to get through this difficult time by seeing a therapist and learning about yourself through bibliotherapy.

When I read your post it reminded me of a phenomenon called "Identification with the aggressor". Maybe you've heard of it? This survival mechanism can be triggered through abuse and trauma. When children or adults have to live in overwhelmingly threatening and abusive environments one effective way to make such environments less threatening to them is to identify with their abuser. I'm sure it's what happened to me as a child.

Perhaps this is what happened with you in relation to your brother. If it is, it's important not to blame yourself for this, as it was simply an unconscious way of surviving your abusive environment. And it doesn't sound like you are blaming yourself in your post, which is good. Becoming aware of such things as how we identify with our aggressors/abusers is a way to increase our awareness of what is going on with us and how our abuse affected us growing up and how it still affects us as adults. When your wife said "you are just like your brother" it sounds like it maybe touched a deep and vulnerable nerve associated with this phenomenon. And perhaps your brother is the last person on earth you want to be like. I could be wrong, but I just thought I'd put this out there as a potential way of understanding what may have happened to you.

Again, it sounds like you were exposed to a lot of trauma and abuse as a child, and it is very understandable that you would be feeling emotionally overwhelmed at times as you uncover long repressed emotions and memories related to this abuse. You've been through a lot. I give you all the credit in the world for managing in life, as difficult as it is for you right now, and for taking on the difficult task of healing. I hope that things get better soon for you.
 

Chris-

Registrant
Chris,

I have been in therapy since May & what you are experiencing is pretty much what I still experience. Although the down days are far less frequent the further I go in therapy. Give it time & it will start getting better. There's a lot to process once you open that box! Best wishes & take care.
Thank you for the feedback and encouragement. The hardest part and the easiest part is really knowing I am not alone in my experience and pain. Have you heard any feedback on RMT (think I got that right) or tapping method to help with the recovery of this.... I am in cognitive therapy but reading about these therapies to reduce the emotion grip my memories have on me.
 
Last edited:

Chris-

Registrant
Hi Chris,

Welcome to MS. I'm glad you are getting some good support in your life (therapist, wife) to help you with what you are going through right now. Your wife sounds like a very supportive person and it sounds like you are very motivated to get through this difficult time by seeing a therapist and learning about yourself through bibliotherapy.

When I read your post it reminded me of a phenomenon called "Identification with the aggressor". Maybe you've heard of it? This survival mechanism can be triggered through abuse and trauma. When children or adults have to live in overwhelmingly threatening and abusive environments one effective way to make such environments less threatening to them is to identify with their abuser. I'm sure it's what happened to me as a child.

Perhaps this is what happened with you in relation to your brother. If it is, it's important not to blame yourself for this, as it was simply an unconscious way of surviving your abusive environment. And it doesn't sound like you are blaming yourself in your post, which is good. Becoming aware of such things as how we identify with our aggressors/abusers is a way to increase our awareness of what is going on with us and how our abuse affected us growing up and how it still affects us as adults. When your wife said "you are just like your brother" it sounds like it maybe touched a deep and vulnerable nerve associated with this phenomenon. And perhaps your brother is the last person on earth you want to be like. I could be wrong, but I just thought I'd put this out there as a potential way of understanding what may have happened to you.

Again, it sounds like you were exposed to a lot of trauma and abuse as a child, and it is very understandable that you would be feeling emotionally overwhelmed at times as you uncover long repressed emotions and memories related to this abuse. You've been through a lot. I give you all the credit in the world for managing in life, as difficult as it is for you right now, and for taking on the difficult task of healing. I hope that things get better soon for you.
The encouragement and insight as well as well as identifying an area to dig into is most helpful. It is encouraging on all the information that is out there in which to help navigate through this challenging chapter. I am at the point of where I do not really regret this uncovered aspect as it was really affecting me and literally taking me down. I can finally know where my self destructive tendencies and anger originated. I hope that I can develop back into a person I feel I should of been and where I am not afraid of feeling the need to have my guard up... to question everyone’s intention or motive. I feel like a stunted adult still thinking like a child. Worried that there is danger and threats at every turn. I don’t feel as tired with that continued vigilance. I find myself more sad than angry anymore but definitely hopeful.
 
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