50 years to find who I really am (trigger warning)

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New Registrant
I've never posted anything about what happened to me. The only people I've talked to about it is my therapist and a close friend. I can't talk to family because that's where it happened. I've had a very difficult life, always sad and nervous. I still have achieved things in life, but there was always this heavy weight pulling me down and not letting me enjoy anything. I think the worst part of the whole thing is my memory of what happened is patchy.

I grew up in a middle class family with two older brothers and a younger sister. My mother was very abusive, emotionally and psychologically. I was actually terrified of her for most of my life. She's 90 years old now and in a swift decline so I don't feel scared of her, but I also feel absolutely nothing for her. My dad was very passive and abused by my mother as well. He was a warm and loving man, who unfortunately married the worst possible person.

I started to see a therapist about 5 years ago. I feel like I went through so many changes and layers of myself during this time. I started to have nightmares about being sexually abused, but I couldn't figure out what they meant. I didn't realize that I had many of symptoms of being abused. A friend once said "I always wondered if you were abused." I couldn't see what it was that I was doing to make her think that.

Over time I've started to remember some of the abuse. It's hardest for me to talk about because it was from my brother. He and I are still in contact and have good relationship, but every time we speak, I feel bad afterwards. I denied any abuse for a while and figured, he's only 2 years older than me so we were just kids. This didn't work well for me, I have to face it to feel better. He was much bigger than me. My brother struggled with his weight during his childhood and weighed as mush as 400 lbs at 14-15 years old. He would pin me down and pinch my penis or squeeze my nipples. This made me feel very dirty and ashamed. I had no one to help me and I was afraid to say anything to my parents.

I know there were other incidents involving my brother and a neighbor's kid. They would lock themselves in a room and wrestle in their underwear. The neighbor's kid would take his finger and wipe his butt with it then hold me down and wipe it on my face. There was always a sickening and sexual atmosphere to being around my brother and this kid. I can't remember anything specific just the awful feeling of shame and worry about being gay.

I have struggled with sex for my whole life. I don't enjoy it and never have. I was married for 16 years, but never had any kids. I'm actually glad I never had kids. I'm very uncomfortable around small children. I get very anxious and feel that sick feeling so I avoid them. My marriage ended about 4 years ago. My ex-wife had relationships with several men while we were married. She swears they weren't sexual, but I know they were emotional affairs. She says I was cold and detached. She was a survivor as well, but her way of coping was by using drugs. It got really bad (too much to type).

So now I am a 50 year old on his own. I don't have sex or date anyone. I have the desire but I'm just too squeamish about it. I feel like I have to shower immediately after and my shame and guilt are intense. I don't want to put another person through that. I have struggled with my sexual orientation although I've never acted on anything.

Sorry if this post is rambling. As I type I realize how hard it is to adequately explain what goes on inside me. I have made a lot of progress since starting therapy, but I've also had some major set backs. I'd like to say that I am optimistic about the future but that would be a lie. Being alone is probably best for me. I have my dogs and cat who comfort me. Lack of affection is painful but familiar to me. I cannot honestly remember my mother touching me as a child unless she was hitting me. When things get tough, I really wish I had a person who would hug me and tell me I'll be ok, but I've become so accustomed to being alone. I push people away.

Thanks for the opportunity to type this out. I hope to meet and talk to other men who share my feelings and experiences. And btw, I'm ok, it's just hard.
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