5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor
This is what I've learned thus far...I hope it helps you as much as it did me.
5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor
1. Identify your own triggers. I read the article on this site by Ken Singer (https://malesurvivor.org/articles.singer2.html) and learned that is applies to me as well! By learning my own triggers and dealing with them appropriately, I am able to make our home an environment that is conducive to my husbands healing.
2. Give constant reassuranceand not just verbally. Be a woman of action and honor him. Do the boring mundane details that show unconditional love and acceptance. I make my husbands lunches to take to work everyday, serve him a hot dinner when he gets home every night (even the nights he works until 8 or 9), make sure his clothes are clean and away, keep his home in order, keep his children cared for. Sound ridiculous, oppressive, or even chauvinistic? So what? Some nights, I put on a dress and heals for no other reason than for him to see me look nice. Is this anymore ridiculous than nagging, self-loathing, or anger? Try it! Really, it works.
3. Reassure him that you still desire him sexually. Not to do so will only reinforce his feelings of inadequacy, that he is dirty, and unlovable. Gentle and patient reassurance here will help to teach him that sex can be and is intended to be a healthy expression of love. So what if you have to initiate? Understand there is so much shame her that he is afraid to.
4. Dont minimize or invalidate. Remember he is still seeing this from the perspective of the child he was when the incident occurred. Forcing your perspective will only hurt him. As he heals he will begin to see that he was victimized. Be patient and give him time to grow. He didnt grow physically from a child to an adult overnight, so dont expect him to grow emotionally from a child to an adult overnight. Be supportive of whatever action he decides to take, even if at this point its no action at all.
5. Accept your husband. Remember you can hate the situation and all the environmental factors that led to it. No matter what you do it wont change the past. Unconditionally accepting your husband doesnt mean you accept the situationit means youre mature enough to get past it together.
5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor
1. Identify your own triggers. I read the article on this site by Ken Singer (https://malesurvivor.org/articles.singer2.html) and learned that is applies to me as well! By learning my own triggers and dealing with them appropriately, I am able to make our home an environment that is conducive to my husbands healing.
2. Give constant reassuranceand not just verbally. Be a woman of action and honor him. Do the boring mundane details that show unconditional love and acceptance. I make my husbands lunches to take to work everyday, serve him a hot dinner when he gets home every night (even the nights he works until 8 or 9), make sure his clothes are clean and away, keep his home in order, keep his children cared for. Sound ridiculous, oppressive, or even chauvinistic? So what? Some nights, I put on a dress and heals for no other reason than for him to see me look nice. Is this anymore ridiculous than nagging, self-loathing, or anger? Try it! Really, it works.
3. Reassure him that you still desire him sexually. Not to do so will only reinforce his feelings of inadequacy, that he is dirty, and unlovable. Gentle and patient reassurance here will help to teach him that sex can be and is intended to be a healthy expression of love. So what if you have to initiate? Understand there is so much shame her that he is afraid to.
4. Dont minimize or invalidate. Remember he is still seeing this from the perspective of the child he was when the incident occurred. Forcing your perspective will only hurt him. As he heals he will begin to see that he was victimized. Be patient and give him time to grow. He didnt grow physically from a child to an adult overnight, so dont expect him to grow emotionally from a child to an adult overnight. Be supportive of whatever action he decides to take, even if at this point its no action at all.
5. Accept your husband. Remember you can hate the situation and all the environmental factors that led to it. No matter what you do it wont change the past. Unconditionally accepting your husband doesnt mean you accept the situationit means youre mature enough to get past it together.
