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Soccer,

First off I want to welcome you, even though I wish you never had to have the reason that brought you here.

I read the post. And I have some opinions. But remember, they are just opinions, not professional.

You refer to the male sexual encounters as less than satisfying. Strikes me as re-experiencing the abuse. Not that that is bad. It happens. I've done it. And you find out it, shall we say, leaving you feeling empty.

As far as the confusion and/or being drawn to both sexes, I think you will find that common here. Regardless of orientation.

The things you mention about being an adult and doing things that you know you had to do because the evidence is irrefutable, but you don't remember. This is very possibly Dissasociatve Identity Disorder (DID). I have that as do others here. I can explain it more in detail if you care to hear it.

So I will end this by saying, you are not crazy. You are a survivor. And what you went through causes this. Rest at ease. You are not wierd or unusual here.

That you are seeing a therapist is to be applauded. You show great courage.

So, welcome and let us know how we can help!

Peace,

Marc

P.S. I know it's scary, but you are safe here. And the depression is SO normal! Take care!
 
Soccer,

Welcome but as Marc said, I'm sorry you need to be here.

Being a survivor is a state of mind that will come with time. I haven't been dealing with this long and I hated the survivor tag when I first started to address the issues. Right now you're probably still feeling like a victim but that will pass.

When I first started to learn of the effects of the SA it was like reading my autobiography too. I think we all experienced that feeling. So much was taken from us. We can't get it back but we can keep the SA from ruling our lives in the future.

If you haven't already, I suggest reading Victims No Longer by Mike Lew and Abused Boys by Mic Hunter.

As for your desires for men, I can fully identify. I've done things that I've hated and could never understand why I was doing it. Now I find that I was actually recreating the abuse.

It does get easier and you will get stronger.

I wish you all the strength you will need to overcome this. You'll find the guys on this site to be very helpfull.

Peace,

Dave

BTW, I checked out your blog. You've got a great start. You'll be fine. It's just going to take time.
 
Soccer,

You are a survivor in truth. What was stolen from you was your innocence. And what it was replaced with was lies and self-recrimination for something that was NOT your fault!

You are a survivor because you are here. You survived the abuse. And I know this is new to you. As I said before, you have courage. And incredible inner strength and endurance to just BE here right now.

Give it some time. You will understand better. Go easy right now.

I will PM you with some info on DID.

Peace,

Marc
 
Soccer,

You're here because you need to be. We can listen, we can share your pain and your successes but you will do this on your own.

Quite often (from what I understand) there is a catalyst that causes us to address the issues. For me it was my marriage falling apart. I started to question every aspect of my life and completely open up to my wife. After I told her about the abuse I started to do some reading on it.

Your catalyst was your girlfriend breaking up with you.
 
Soccer,

I don't know if your statement about what Dave said was what you meant by saying it's not fair or your situation with your g/f.

If it was the first, I can assure you that Dave would never say anything to hurt you.

If it is the latter, you're right. It's not fair.

Suggestion? Relax a little, give yourself a break. You deserve it! Things will get better.

Marc
 
hey soccer...

i know that all this is hitting you really fast, and your head is spinning, and you have no clue what to do abou tall this... but its natural, i assure you... its a hell of a lot of stuff to take in all at once, and i can assure you as well that there is no instant easy answer for all of this unfortunately... i have not been dealing with this stuff for very long either, but i knwo that it takes time... you have a really good start though, and a prettty good understanding of a lot of things righ tnow... you've got a lot of courage, and that is really awesome... cause thats a hard thing to come by for a lot of us, including me... i would just say to slow down before you drive yourself nuts trying to figure it all out in one night... the answers to alot of this stuff will come soon, but you have to have some time to digest what you've discovered, and some time to heal... this is an awesome site to come to, and i'm glad you found it, because you would find a group that is more supportive, and accepting and open than the group you have found here... so, come often, and share, and explore and you will find some answers, along with a whole lot of support, and advice, and people that have been though the same things as you. when i read your first post i thought you were talking from within my own brain... that how similarly i feel to what you were explaining.. i have been though a lot of that same stuff, and had those same feelings of confusion, and pain, and on and on... all i can say is to give it some time... dont go too fast... sorry you have to be here, but welcome...

take care,
cpt.
 
As to being a 'survivor'....A therapist told me today, "You are a brave man," something she has said to me before.

For me, the abuse I experienced has exacerbated the depression I have experienced and continue to experience.

When I call myself a survivor I include surviving suicide because over and over again I have come within a hair's breadth of it and found ways of going no further or getting around it. That has included coming here.

All survivors here are brave men, I think, including you. We sometimes, maybe often, accept the minimization of the effects of our experiences that we hear from others. The effects are not small, however, as you know.
 
Soccer Kid. Let me add my welcome. What happened to you was the worst thing in the world for you just like it was to all of us.

The thing to remember is that it was never your shame or guilt and also it was never your fault. You were sexualized at a very early age before you had a chance to experiment on your own. Quite frankly your trust was betrayed and that son of a bitch used your friendship with his younger brother to get at you.

Now the sex with guys disgusts you. In my case I turned to prostitution and it was my way of confirming that I was a piece of dirt. See my body betrayed my mind. I got aroused and had orgasms. Boy what a number they do on us.

You have just joined the greatest bunch of guys it has every been my privilege to know.

THe road ahead is not an easy one but we are all on it together.
 
Soccer'
I'm a Survivor because I'm here and dealing with my life, and going to group therapy as well.

What I've 'survived' is a dysfunctional life, sex addiction, ( NOT as much fun as it sounds ! ) sexual acting out with strange men, ( that's the main 'not fun' bit ) a 30 year marriage that I nearly lost, depression, and a whole load of other crap.

The alternative to surviving was going down, sinking into the dysfunction even further.

Are you a 'Survivor'? yes you are, for the simple reason you're doing something about the things in your life that you don't like anymore.
The guys have already said that surviving isn't easy, and it wont happen overnight, but it IS possible.

Don't go away, stick around and get some of the best support and help you're likely to find.

Dave
 
Soccer:

Like you said about reading symptoms of CSA, reading your post felt to me as if I were reading my autobiography. Not because any of the details either of the abuse or of your recent exzperiences parallel mine, but because your pain parallels mine. There is so much that is confusing. And I struggle every day with the question of how much of what I am today is because Iwas abused as a child. I, too, have just begun the process of recovery. And according to my therapist, I am where I am (that is I got through childhood and adolescence) by developing really remarkable coping skills. It's just that what I learned then doesn't serve me well now. So starting therapy, posting here, and not being too impatient with yourself: all these are just the things you need to be doing. I am confident that if we both keeping working at this, recovery will come!
 
Soccer,
you are survivor, not psycho (terrible word).

Have you speak about these memory blacks out with your T?
This can be very strong indicator for a lot of things.

There is explanation for these things but try to discuss with your T about it.

Do not panic, put focus on your school and your girl in parallel with work on yourself with your therapist.

You'll be ok, it will take some time but you are pushing very strongly forward.

Ivo
 
Zak,

sorry you are going through this mess. I went through the whole load of shit many years ago.
You are a survivor, hey you survived trauma in childhood, you survived it!

Don't forget, we all share the same autobiography in here, but we deal with it, we deal with conditioned responses, feelings of nausea when thinking of sex, and all the other responses, are you're mind coping with all the crap you faced.

Always remember. It was never you're fault, you feel guilty? We all do. But it never was our fault, even if you enjoyed it? It was never you're fault for being abused.

I am glad you find this site, and find you are not crazy, you are just going through normal response to this shit. Be strong, you get this far, it will work for you I am sure, you already been through so much hurt, time to leave it behind. I know it is hard, but it is not impossible.

There is no such thing as "impossible", why? Because you are a Survivor, you got there.

Take care,

ste
 
Soccer,
it wouldn't be appropriate to tell you something that I do not know, I hope that you understand this.
(that's the reason why I told you to speak with your T)

You have to be patient, please do not rush; try to relax and calm yourself a little bit (especially because of confusion that you are feeling at the moment).

I wish you the best,
Ivo
 
Zak,
I read your posts here and also visited your blog. I am sorry to hear that you are suffering so much. I too can relate to your pain and I get so angry and sad when I realize what all of us had to go through and all the shit we still have to endure as a consequence of SA.

I too don't like the "survivor" tag. And i am glad you brought it up because it helped me a lot to read what the guys have written here about that. Yes, now I see that for my whole life I have been carrying this pain inside and therefore have been surviving a lot of shit. I just hope one day we will all be able to feel that we are LIVING our lives and not only "surviving" anymore.

Like you I try to solve all my problems in one go and have all the answers I need at once. It is just not possible. I guess we just have to be patient, and find the strength to keep working at it, so we can find our way to healing.

I started looking into these issues two years ago but after about 5-6 months of therapy I felt better and thought that I could go on on my own, so I stopped therapy. Now I see it was a mistake. A few weeks ago these issues have re-emmerged in full force again and I have been feeling terribly ill. I feel onfused, I feel sick, I feel dizzy. Like you said in your blog, I also feel I could take a break from life.

Coming to MS is helping me a lot. I am so grateful to the guys I've met here. I hope you will soon get out of this acute phase you seem to be in (and I hope that for myself too) so that you can continue to work on your recovery but with in a smoothier way. (if that is at all possible)

peace and prayers,
Raphael
 
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