4 is way to young to be sexualized

[happyjohnn]

ok So iam new here. I have been reading many stories of suvival and my heart goes to all my brothers who have endured more then any person should have to go through.
*****TRIGGER WARNING****

I am certain that this post will have triggers. It is not my intention to add to any persons pain or memories but i also need to be authntic and tell my truth.

First let me tell you where i am now. I am 57 yo. Raised Mormon, identify as Gay. never been married , Have a difficult time with relationships, Feel broken at times, Been in therapy off and on since i was 24. Trigger Trigger. I was sexualized at the age of 4 by my swim instructor. It ranged from touch to full on penitration. yes at 4 he penitrated me.

It was not a one time event. by no means. 2-3 times a week until i was 7 . It stopped because we moved. i stuffed it deep into my unconscience, but as we al know that doesnt last.

When i was 24 all hell broke loose in my life. My dad, who i was not close with. ok so he was always there but never really there. I am the youngest of 6 kids and my dad was not very involved in my life. At this time he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.

I had injured my back and was getting ready for back surgery. My mom and dad and i were at the hospital doig my pre op stuff. We noticed my dad was slurring his speach. so after my paper work was done we walked down to the ER and had him admitted for stroke. The next day was my surgery. My mom and i arrived for my pre op and the Shuttle Challenger had just exploded. This was not only a tragedy but both my parents worked on the shuttle program. so i was on the 2nd floor and my dad was on the 7th floor and my mom was riding the elevator for several days. durning his stroke assesment they found a 2" cancer in his lung and a 1/2" cancer on his adrenal gland. The next year was spent as his primary care giver.

As he got sicker i started to fall apart. Vague memories feelings doubts, I finally sought out some therapy. I felt it was the stress of my dads failing health I was only 25 to young to loose my dad. My therapist started to tap into my underlying problem. My swim coach had started to abuse me at the age of 4 and i was remembering it. OMG the memories. the pain didnt all happen it once but as the memories came back it was overwhelming.

At sometime i will go into more about the memory process and recovery but for now just wanted to put it out there. yes i was 4 when i was completly violated and no one saw the signs the warnings

 

[Darren White]

That was a terrible thing to happen to you. Do you have a therapist at this moment? Because having to deal with this alone is not easy.
Welcome!
I am glad you found us and joined. We are here to support you. We are here for each other.

 

[happyjohnn]

That was a terrible thing to happen to you. Do you have a therapist at this moment? Because having to deal with this alone is not easy.
Welcome!
I am glad you found us and joined. We are here to support you. We are here for each other.

I have a wonderful therapist. He understands about my abuse, my same sex attraction. Being mormon. All of it. I am so glad to have some extra support from my brothers here

 

[Visitor]

I'm so sorry John. What you describe is horrific... and you've carried the memory of those traumas your entire life. How could you possibly find it easy to be in relationship with anyone. But you've come to the right place to contend with those memories and to finally claim your life. Since you've been reading on the site you're aware you're among kindred spirits. We all belong to a club NONE of us would have wished to join... but who are all glad it exists.

The photo of me on the left is at age 2. The trauma began in my crib but at age three I was invited by neighbor boys to join in their sexualized play. For the next four years I was a plaything for boys and adults of a three generation family of pedophiles. I too escaped at age seven when my family moved. The combination of those traumas at home and next door were the roots of the hell realm I call my life. I read what you share and can't help but think about what happened when I was four years old... I'm glad you found us and introduced yourself. All the best on your healing journey John. I look forward to seeing you on the board.

 

[happyjohnn]

I'm so sorry John. What you describe is horrific... and you've carried the memory of those traumas your entire life. How could you possibly find it easy to be in relationship with anyone. But you've come to the right place to contend with those memories and to finally claim your life. Since you've been reading on the site you're aware you're among kindred spirits. We all belong to a club NONE of us would have wished to join... but who are all glad it exists.

The photo of me on the left is at age 2. The trauma began in my crib but at age three I was invited by neighbor boys to join in their sexualized play. For the next four years I was a plaything for boys and adults of a three generation family of pedophiles. I too escaped at age seven when my family moved. The combination of those traumas at home and next door were the roots of the hell realm I call my life. I read what you share and can't help but think about what happened when I was four years old... I'm glad you found us and introduced yourself. All the best on your healing journey John. I look forward to seeing you on the board.

Thank you for your love and support. So many people don't realize that this trauma is real. That it happened.

 

[Visitor]

You're right... I didn't remember any of it until I was in my fifties... but my life was royally fucked up and I didn't understand why. Now I do... the sexual trauma changed everything about life... I felt unsafe in the world and ran away over and over again, often with sexual acting out rooted in the trauma I didn't remember experiencing. We get to talk honestly about such things here and it is a tremendous relief. You are not alone with ANY of this my friend.

 

[happyjohnn]

You're right... I didn't remember any of it until I was in my fifties... but my life was royally fucked up and I didn't understand why. Now I do... the sexual trauma changed everything about life... I felt unsafe in the world and ran away over and over again, often with sexual acting out rooted in the trauma I didn't remember experiencing. We get to talk honestly about such things here and it is a tremendous relief. You are not alone with ANY of this my friend.

thank you so much it feels good to be supported and valued and mostly believed myfamily still thinks it didnt happen because then they dont have to deal with it

 

[Visitor]

Because memories can be challenging to uncover and when they do they are tend to arrive as fragments rather than fully developed stories, we are left with confusion and shame. When others don't remember or can't deal with the possibility something bad happened in the family, we're alone with our confusion. But it seems we can never be inoculated against memories arising and calling for attention. I had thought for some time that I'd been sexually abused but it wasn't until I went to see a therapist who used EMDR that the memories came to the surface. It was the first session and I suddenly felt as though I was being dragged from the chair by my ankle... that was the beginning of a series of body memories, flashes of color and texture... that continued for three years until I experienced being raped by an adult when I was seven.

Interestingly, that discovery happened shortly after my mother died, so I never talked with her about any of this. What a journey it has been!

 

[happyjohnn]

Because memories can be challenging to uncover and when they do they are tend to arrive as fragments rather than fully developed stories, we are left with confusion and shame. When others don't remember or can't deal with the possibility something bad happened in the family, we're alone with our confusion. But it seems we can never be inoculated against memories arising and calling for attention. I had thought for some time that I'd been sexually abused but it wasn't until I went to see a therapist who used EMDR that the memories came to the surface. It was the first session and I suddenly felt as though I was being dragged from the chair by my ankle... that was the beginning of a series of body memories, flashes of color and texture... that continued for three years until I experienced being raped by an adult when I was seven.

Interestingly, that discovery happened shortly after my mother died, so I never talked with her about any of this. What a journey it has been!

Because memories can be challenging to uncover and when they do they are tend to arrive as fragments rather than fully developed stories, we are left with confusion and shame. When others don't remember or can't deal with the possibility something bad happened in the family, we're alone with our confusion. But it seems we can never be inoculated against memories arising and calling for attention. I had thought for some time that I'd been sexually abused but it wasn't until I went to see a therapist who used EMDR that the memories came to the surface. It was the first session and I suddenly felt as though I was being dragged from the chair by my ankle... that was the beginning of a series of body memories, flashes of color and texture... that continued for three years until I experienced being raped by an adult when I was seven.

Interestingly, that discovery happened shortly after my mother died, so I never talked with her about any of this. What a journey it has been!

i started remembering when i first went into therapy at 25 used hypnosis . i still am putting pieces together and dealing with some things. have some new memories with EMDR but mostly putting pieces together. Had EMDR earlier this week and it brought up a ton of feelings cried for 2 days . go back to my therapist next week put humpty dumpty together agin. it is a process and a journey.
thank you for your love and support at some point in time i will go into more details my family was oblivious to what was going on

 

[Visitor]

Deep respect for the work you're doing. This is how healing happens. And this is a wonderful place to receive support. Keep sharing and men here will respond. Together we get better. What a privilege to share the healing journey with one another.

 

[happyjohnn]

As i get comfortable i will add to my story. The good and the bad

 

[Visitor]

I've been here two and a half years ago and it took me a few months before I shared what was most shameful to me about my journey. I'd shared it with a therapist and after sharing it here spoke with a number of very close friends about it all. Shame can be a powerful deterrent to truth telling, but it seems to be true that doing so is the path to freedom. But we need to feel comfortable with our audience before we tell the whole truth. As you read more deeply here, you'll understand that is exactly what is happening. There is a forum with the title Survivor Stories often used for that purpose. I wrote about my darkest secrets on the Sexual Identity Issues forum. On the Survivor Stories forum no responses are permitted. On most other forums you'll have comments. My revelation has been read over four thousand times and has 67 comments, many of them my own. You'll make the call for yourself how best to proceed. As an aside you may with to become a member of this website. The small contribution you make is first an investment in your own healing, but also an investment in the future of this site which for survivors is valuable beyond measure...

 

[randomnumber]

Welcome. You are not alone. I too was abused starting at 4. I always remembered my abuse but never thought of it as abuse until my world started falling apart in my 20s. Trying to figure out why I was so attracted to men and why I was so bad with intimacy. I accept myself as gay but still struggle with serious intimacy issues. I started therapy at about 26 and have been in therapy off and on for years, though more off than on. I hope you can find help on here. I know you will find support from all of us.

 

[happyjohnn]

Welcome. You are not alone. I too was abused starting at 4. I always remembered my abuse but never thought of it as abuse until my world started falling apart in my 20s. Trying to figure out why I was so attracted to men and why I was so bad with intimacy. I accept myself as gay but still struggle with serious intimacy issues. I started therapy at about 26 and have been in therapy off and on for years, though more off than on. I hope you can find help on here. I know you will find support from all of us.

Thank you. I feel the support. I need to feel loved. Physically loved.

 

[Dolphin42]

Welcome happyjohnn. You've ended up at a great place to find others that can relate to your horrible experiences as a child. I'm sorry that happened to you. Yes, 4 is way too young to be sexualized. I was 8 when I was sexualized & penetrated, kinda forced to forget about it when my parents wanted it swept under the rug. Then my life exploded early this year, also age 57.

Be kind to yourself, this healing stuff does have it's ups and downs, but I'm doing a lot better than earlier this year, with much help from and thanks to M/S and the great men here. I also am gay, but only in the last few years have I been able to address and explore that part of me.

 

[happyjohnn]

Welcome happyjohnn. You've ended up at a great place to find others that can relate to your horrible experiences as a child. I'm sorry that happened to you. Yes, 4 is way too young to be sexualized. I was 8 when I was sexualized & penetrated, kinda forced to forget about it when my parents wanted it swept under the rug. Then my life exploded early this year, also age 57.

Be kind to yourself, this healing stuff does have it's ups and downs, but I'm doing a lot better than earlier this year, with much help from and thanks to M/S and the great men here. I also am gay, but only in the last few years have I been able to address and explore that part of me.

The love and support has been great. I feel more unstable recently. But I will balance out soon. Being alone is not helpful. I want a gay relationship but that conflicts with my religion.

 

[Visitor]

You'll find a forum here called Spirituality and Survivors that might be a good place for you to sort out what your faith asks of you as a trauma survivor and whether your faith is helping you heal or putting road blocks in the way. I have no idea how you've come to your faith, but the religion I grew up with added greatly to my suffering simply because the trauma led me to behaviors called sinful. Those behaviors certainly weren't helping me but they existed not because I chose them but because they were rooted in the trauma and that was the best my body could do under the circumstances. Being labeled a sinner didn't help, nor does asking God's forgiveness. All we've ever done as survivors is try to find safety for ourselves, which is extremely difficult to do when we are bathed in terror produced by the trauma experiences. We need to put healing first and that involves releasing judgments from any source... religious, familial, community.

 

[happyjohnn]

You'll find a forum here called Spirituality and Survivors that might be a good place for you to sort out what your faith asks of you as a trauma survivor and whether your faith is helping you heal or putting road blocks in the way. I have no idea how you've come to your faith, but the religion I grew up with added greatly to my suffering simply because the trauma led me to behaviors called sinful. Those behaviors certainly weren't helping me but they existed not because I chose them but because they were rooted in the trauma and that was the best my body could do under the circumstances. Being labeled a sinner didn't help, nor does asking God's forgiveness. All we've ever done as survivors is try to find safety for ourselves, which is extremely difficult to do when we are bathed in terror produced by the trauma experiences. We need to put healing first and that involves releasing judgments from any source... religious, familial, community.

Yes im aware that my religion has not always helped me. I feel the only way I will feel peace is in a gay relationship. Im 57 and I look for a younger guy so that I feel I can heal

 

[The Bluefoot]

Welcome happyjohnn, I am also 57 and gay. Yes, 4 is way too young to be sexualized. I was 6 when I was sexualized & 9 penetrated by different people. My parents never knew any of the abuse I suffered from from age 6 to 17 1/2. Sexual, and physically. As for the Mental abuse I sure they did not call it abuse, They just though I had mental problems, Learning Problems and behavior Problems. They listened to the doctors and educator's which were all wrong. I was adopted and I have Klinefelter Syndrome. A Therapist in kindergarten School Thought I was abused in foster care and told my parents to take me to see a psychiatrist to do play therapy go touch bad touch. Its to be done with dolls, instead we used me. and the sexual abused started.

When I came to this group 2 1/2 months ago I knew I was abuse by 2 different people about 40 times. Once raped by the baby sitter BF and in the Boy Scouts by the Scoutmaster. Since then I have remember 6 different people more then 300 times. And I hope this is it. But I don't know. I have been in therapy since I was 5. Only once I stop for 9 months.

This is a great place to share everything about life. I have not opened up everything yea, As I am still a fear in some parts of my life. But I have learned that some many of us have been to hell and live there daily and we can share our hell with each other. Some manage well and others don't. I am in the middle. I cry now less since I share on line here and now working with an other member to start an in person support group. I have made two friends already.

As for religion which I don't talk often about, I was raise Jewish, Married a non Jew, have an adopted gay son who does not believe in god at all, and we are all Male Survivors thou I am the only one in the group. Religion gets in the way of many things in life,. causes a lot of problems in the world thou I believe its still important to have religion in the world in general. As for healing from the abuse we have suffered from we need to heal first then deal with family, friends and yes friends sometimes a head of family is easier, then job, religion last. This is just my way of thinking.

Its your healing journey thanks for finding us and I hope you read more here and we get to talk some times too.

 

[happyjohnn]

Welcome happyjohnn, I am also 57 and gay. Yes, 4 is way too young to be sexualized. I was 6 when I was sexualized & 9 penetrated by different people. My parents never knew any of the abuse I suffered from from age 6 to 17 1/2. Sexual, and physically. As for the Mental abuse I sure they did not call it abuse, They just though I had mental problems, Learning Problems and behavior Problems. They listened to the doctors and educator's which were all wrong. I was adopted and I have Klinefelter Syndrome. A Therapist in kindergarten School Thought I was abused in foster care and told my parents to take me to see a psychiatrist to do play therapy go touch bad touch. Its to be done with dolls, instead we used me. and the sexual abused started.

When I came to this group 2 1/2 months ago I knew I was abuse by 2 different people about 40 times. Once raped by the baby sitter BF and in the Boy Scouts by the Scoutmaster. Since then I have remember 6 different people more then 300 times. And I hope this is it. But I don't know. I have been in therapy since I was 5. Only once I stop for 9 months.

This is a great place to share everything about life. I have not opened up everything yea, As I am still a fear in some parts of my life. But I have learned that some many of us have been to hell and live there daily and we can share our hell with each other. Some manage well and others don't. I am in the middle. I cry now less since I share on line here and now working with an other member to start an in person support group. I have made two friends already.

As for religion which I don't talk often about, I was raise Jewish, Married a non Jew, have an adopted gay son who does not believe in god at all, and we are all Male Survivors thou I am the only one in the group. Religion gets in the way of many things in life,. causes a lot of problems in the world thou I believe its still important to have religion in the world in general. As for healing from the abuse we have suffered from we need to heal first then deal with family, friends and yes friends sometimes a head of family is easier, then job, religion last. This is just my way of thinking.

Its your healing journey thanks for finding us and I hope you read more here and we get to talk some times too.

Hey blue thank you. Are you married to a man. Did you know your son was gaycwhen you adopted him. The people who were assigned to help were the the ones that used you. That is so wrong. I wish we all could get together and heal each other