37 years old and just starting to face my demons

37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Guy,

I've heard from others that in order to be at peace and happy with my marriage, I have to find inner peace and happiness. How does one find inner peace? My marriage councelor has told me that if I leave this marriage, I will just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. He said I set unrealistic expectations on my marriage. He also told me to seek help for my SA before making any decisions.

I'm afraid the decision to stay may not be up to me. I feel like she wants me out. I have a hard time approaching my wife. I feel ashamed and don't even want to kiss her or touch her. It wasn't always like that. Actually, I didn't start to feel that way until I truely started to open my eyes and see my past for what it was. Once I opened up to her and told her my story, she just sat there not saying a word. Later she came to me and said she didn't say anything because she wanted me to say what I needed to say uninterrupted. She finally did come to me and say that she didn't feel discusted by me or hold me responsible, but I can't help to think she does feel discusted.

I feel ashamed and I don't know how to approach her. She has her own issues as well. She came from an alcoholic family and her mother was verbally abusive. As a result, she has always shielded herself from emotions. She doesn't know how to be supportive. I feel like my marriage is in a no win situation. For some reason, I feel the desire to be alone though.
 
My_own_prison,
I've heard from others that in order to be at peace and happy with my marriage, I have to find inner peace and happiness.
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I hope there was nothing I said that would give you that idea. I agree that peace will have to come from within you, but happiness is a lot to ask of anyone. What does it mean? Feeling great? Feeling good? How long? 100% of the time? More than half the day, each day? Only on weekends? Does it get monotonous? What then?

Peace, on the other hand, seems to be something that might come to me when I am able to accept that the world is as it is, people are who they are, and that's ok. I may be way off the beam here, because I'm not at that point or anything else that I would call "peace." My description of what I think it could be seems a reasonable goal to me. I really do not know how to describe happiness, but I think it would be something much more transient.

What I think I am learning about relationships (besides "get off that computer and come help with dinner" :) ) is that it takes two people working at being the best partner that they can to make a good strong relationship.
she didn't say anything because she wanted me to say what I needed to say uninterrupted. She finally did come to me and say that she didn't feel discusted by me or hold me responsible
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Unless you are a lot better at mind reading than I am, why not believe her? It sounds like the kinds of things that are good to hear. Maybe her own hurts make being the kind of "ideally supportive" partner that you would want simply impossible for her right now. As long as you are willing to work with each other, you have the chance to become better partners for each other.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Well, like everybody has said. Do not make any drastic decisions concerning your relationship at this point. You will find much help and support here. You will also find some constructive criticism in places too. What you are going through with your own feelings concerning your SA and how it makes you feel toward your wife is normal. You not wanting to add to anything that she is going through is completely normal too. BUT, all of this is decisions which you need to make together. They are decisions which should not be made without you having the knowledge which you can gain from being here. If you want to have a good relationship, both of you need to think of both yourselves and each other at the same time. You need to communicate things with her about yourself and you need to listen to her. Let her make her own decisions concerning how much she wants to be part of things. Boundaries are also important. Learn what yours are, and learn what hers are, and mutually respect each others. One thing that I can guarantee to you is that you need to learn more about yourself, your SA, and how it affects your life, and communicate this with her so that she may make informed decisions WITH you before making any drastic changes in your life.
 
Welcome brother,

I think I've got to agree with everyone else. Don't do anything drastic at this point in your recovery concerning your marriage. I know it's painful, but maybe it's a pain that both of you could work through together.

Congrats on getting of booze. It distorts perceptions and numbs us from our feelings. When I first got off it I was just as or even more distant from people than while I was on it. Eventually, you'll start to get in touch with something you haven't been in touch with in awhile, your emotions.

I can't say it enough, but I think our emotions and feelings are two of the most important things to recovery because they were the things taken away from us.

Keep on posting. Whatever comes to mind throw it out here, you'll be able to connect with someone.

Take it easy,
Fusion
 
My Own Prison:
I'm 34, Father of one 7 year old Son, and like you "have only just begun to scratch the surface of just how manipulated my life has been by my experience." I just found this site and have been working with a therapist for about 6 months around childhood sexual abuse. Though my fiance and I aren't yet married, we own a house together and are engaged (close enough for me!) What brought us together over 3 years ago was similar to your situation - she pursued me because I felt unworthy and unattractive to women. Our relationship at first was based on NOTHING healthy, but we have survived each other's chaos and are both now working on recovery from addiction, childhood sexual abuse, etc. It's been rough and we've nearly split up several times in the last 9 months. We have BOTH, like you, questioned whether we were "with the wrong person for the wrong reasons." Together we chose to work on ourselves and our relationship before we made any final decisions. Our therapist has encouraged us to work separately on our own recovery while at the same time trying to include each other in our process. It's painful and scary but it has brought us closer and we are both grateful to still be together. I'm glad you found this place and are beginning the healing process. I wish none of us needed to be here but at least we know WE'RE NOT ALONE and THERE IS HOPE. I too have a long road ahead and fear the pain my recovery will cause others. But I'm not walking alone, nor are you.
 
It makes me sick to my stomach to think of how this evil disrupts lives. How it kills innocent people. How it forces them to make irrational choices; choices upon which they predicate their own future, and as well the future of their off-spring, only to have it all crash headlong into an impending abyss.

Gawd knows I have been there. I married someone, thinking that all the ill effects of SA, the alcoholism, workaholism, ragism, all the self-destructive behaviors, would politely go away, when in reality it politely became window-dressing and wallpaper for our existence. I chose a partner, and she allowed herself to be chosen, and likewise the other way around, and when the we later found out the script did not fit us, our life, or rather our imagined life, came crashing down all around us. Luckily no one was crushed, and little damage, though lots of fallout.

Still, in confronting the silent truth, for the first time, I felt suddenly guided by a principle much stronger and wiser than myself, or all the collective wisdom of my family and family-in-law and the local village combined. In choosing to allow a life to spring out of the cocoon of lies upon layers of lies, a new road of hope lay down before me. An authentic me could emerge in such a way as was impossible when living under the cloak of secrecy and lies.

For many who have survived, it is possible for them to salvage everything. Bully for them!!!!!!! Me and mine did not fall into that category for a myriad of complex reasons, the primary reason, that it was never meant to be.

my_own_prison: you are in the right place to begin to ask yourself pertinent questions that will guide you to make the correct choices for a new future life, whether that be to maintain what you already have begun, or to choose another path. Being here with these wise and good-hearted people will make the swiftest route possible for and with you. Having found MS, begin to trust your fledgling instincts and those of us whose arms are here for your support.

Someday, from a vantage point of no regrets, you will look back and see that you made the only possible choice that could be made. Then you will turn and go on to create and live the life you, up to now, had never imagined possible.

All the best,

Ron
 
I appreciate outpouring of support here. I am over whelmed by it all. I have taken everything everyone has said into consideration. I will not make any major changes to my life right now other than getting a T and starting my recovery even though I do feel a strong urge to be alone.

My wife wrote me a letter today. It opened with "Hello Stranger...and I do mean stranger". She said she was proud of me for starting this journey. She went on to say that she didn't know what her roll is in all of this. She said that I made the remark "eveything in my life has been a lie" and she took that to mean my marriage to her was too. (It's true I did feel that way). She said she knew my probems would become an issue when she married me but that she saw something in me that I haven't seen yet. She finished by saying she wanted to help but didn't know if I wanted help from her because she felt I had lost hope in her.

I wrote her back and said that she was right, I am a stranger right now. I said that I didn't know who I was only that the person I had been was a lie. I told her that right now, I am seeking to find that 6 year old boy that was left behind and bring him back to the present. I also told her that I didn't know who she was either. She has hid her emotions and kept me at arms length for many years. I told her I didn't know the first thing about her. What her favorite food is, her favorite color, what her dreams and desires are. What turnes her on, makes her happy or sad. I know next to nothing about her.

I have explained to my wife that this is going to be a roller coaster ride. I told her I would have episodes of drinking. Mood swings from happiness to anger to sadness all in the same few hour period. I told her that some days I will act like nothing is wrong, while other days I may be a total recluse and hide from everyone. I said until my T helps me regain control of my life, this is what it will most likely be like.

She had wanted to know if I felt my marriage to her was a mistake and if I had already written her off. I said that the reasons that I married her are unimportant now, the fact is we are married. I said that I do care about her but that right now, she is not the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I said if we can become friends and partners then I would be very happy to spend the rest of my life with her. I said the best thing she could do right now was to seek counseling for her own problems because she has her own emotional issues to deal with as a result of her mother who was a nasty drunk when she was growing up.

I feel like running away...Is that normal? Why do I want to be alone so bad? Seems like it would be just the opposite. Actually, no...I think that I married my wife because I feared being alone. Maybe its my minds way of telling me it's ready to face my past. It's saying that I don't fear being alone anymore. It could be because my wife emotionally abandoned me years ago and I have alrady been alone for awhile.
 
Your desire to run away is completely normal. Remember, it takes more strength and courage to face things openly and honestly. You ARE strong. If you aren't, the perps win.
 
Running away..NORMAL? Of course it is. I think it shows you've got some blood running through your veins.

Everyday, at least once, I think about running away. Quitting my job, moving back home, etc. Who in their right mind would want to go through what any of us have to go through? Remember, what happened to us wasn't normal. So how is recovery supposed to be. By the way, how far are you willing to run? No matter where you go or what you do you got to face yourself in the end.

You mentioned that you told your wife in a letter that you'll have bouts of heavy drinking. I know I probably sound like everyone else, but try and I do mean try not to drink. Drinking is running away. You're here already, which means that you've decided not to run. It's gonna be hard brother, but it'll be worth it.

Take it easy.
Fusion
 
You've been running since you were 6. Aren't you tired of it? Isn't that part of why you are here? No matter where yo go, or how drunk you get, or anything else that you do or use to run from things, you will eventually find yourself in the same place no matter what. You will find that running has given you nothing but false hope. The false hope of escaping yourself. Eventually, you will realize that no matter how much you run, or how you do it, or where you do, you cannot hide from yourself forever. Whether you get drunk, or move, or dissociate, or isolate yourself, or do any number of things that people who have suffered CSA do, you will never escape by running. Running will only make things worse on yourself and everybody who cares about you.
 
My_own_prison,

"You can run, but you can't hide."

I know, you've heard it. But it's too true. Running seems easy, but it's not away that we run. We just dig ourselves a pit and sink into it. Like running in a mudhole, the faster we try to go, the faster we sink.

There are books (and workshops) for couples on Imago Therapy. It's the idea that most couples end up together with exactly the right person to help them heal their old wounds. Problem is, neither realizes that the other has these wounds, and we end up hurting each other because, due to the mutual ignorance, we don't get what we need. Ok, that's grossly oversimplistic, but I'm a geek, not a T.

I'm not an expert on relationships, or couple's counseling techniques, or anything like that. But some of the techniques, which you can actually learn and practice, in Imago Therapy have been helpful here. It's no more coldly dispassionate to learn how to communicate than it is to learn how to deal with nightmares, or keep your mind off booze.

Good luck to you and your wife. You just may be at the start of a wonderful, sharing relationship.

Thanks,

Joe
 
I tried running, I'm way too slow. The only alternative is turn around and face it down, fight like you mean it.

And with support and therapy the fight is so much easier.
She said she knew my probems would become an issue when she married me but that she saw something in me that I haven't seen yet.
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Yes, what she saw is a man she loves, and that's definitly worth fighting for !

Dave
 
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