37 years old and just starting to face my demons

37 years old and just starting to face my demons
M

my_own_prison

Registrant
Hi, I'm a 37 year old married father of three girls. I've been married for 10 years. For the past several years, my marriage has been going south. In my quest to discover what has been happening to me, I began to realize that my life has been a huge lie since I was molested as a child. My molestation was very severe and first began when I was 6 years old. I was molested for a period of 5 years by two men. They were both neigbors. I never told a soul about it until I married my wife. She was the only one who knew until recently. Several years ago, I met a woman co-worker who was also abused. She is the one who has shown me the courage to start facing my inner demons.

I have only just begun to scratch the surface of just how manipulated my life has been by my experience. How much of my life is a lie. I suffer from alcoholism and sexual dysfunctions. One of the major decisions I need to make now is whether or not to stay in my marriage. My wife "picked" me up in a bar and because I felt so unworthy to ask women out, I stuck to her like she was the only woman in the world. I have begun to realize that I would never have picked my wife if I hadn't been so affected by my child abuse. Am I alone with my marital problems?? Has anyone else out there found that they married the wrong person for the wrong reasons and the reasons were lies manifested from their child abuse? I have a long road ahead and my healing will cause pain for others. I have so much I want to say but I'll save it for other post.
 
Welcome here. I am, as always, sorry that you must have this place, but I am glad you find it.

I am not married, so I truly can not relate to that part of what you are asking. I was always afraid of girls, and have had two girlfriends so far, and never gotten intimite still. But I am lucky that both I have had have been very good.

I hope that you will find support and understanding here. You are beginning to realize affects of the past on the present, and that is a good thing. I wish you good luck, and again, welcome you here.

Leosha
 
I am glad that you have decided to face this. I do not know what your current situation is with your wife, but it doesn't really matter how you met. What matters is how things are, and what both of you are willing to do in the future. A good relationship involves both people thinking of both themselves, and the other person at the same time. Communication is always key. Yes, your past has effected your entire life, but now, you have a chance to take control over that, and make a better future for yourself, and your family if that is what you desire.
We welcome you and will try to help you.
 
My_own_prison,

I wish you didn't need to be here. I'm glad that you are able to come here and you are working to get your life together.

I'm 43, with three kids, but my oldest and my youngest are boys. Our marriage was in deep doo-doo (I can say that here, can't I?) when I finally told my wife about the man who raped me when I was 16. That turned out to be the tip of the iceberg.

I fell in love with my wife the second I saw her. I pursued her, even though she was still dating a guy she had once been engaged to marry. I think that is a difference in our stories. But whether you will remain married to your wife or not, it is good that you are, as you say, "starting to face your demons."

It's not an easy process. It hasn't been easy for me or for any of the people I've grown to love at this place. But it's not impossible. The demons are not so strong as they want us to believe. Just by starting down this path, you have dealt them a blow from which they might never recover.

I hope that you will be able to get to a therapist who can help you with these issues. Many of us have found that it is very important to work with someone who respects our ability to survive and is aware of the hurt done to us. You might find that you can approach the issue(s) in your marriage with more confidence if you make some progress on the abuse and its effects (alcoholism, sexual dysfunctions) first.

Wherever your path leads, I wish you the best. We are here and you are welcome.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hello and welcome. Like the others, I wish you had never had gone through something that would make you search for a site like this. But you are most welcome.

I cannot answer the marriage questions having never had a partner, but I can tell you that you will find uncommon support, advice and care amongst us.

Welcome and I am here should you need me, as are all of my brothers here.

Peace,

Marc
 
The name you have picked to use here makes me feel very sad. However, we ALL totally understand!!!!!! :mad:

Your pain and suffering, confusion and doubts are all a part of what each of us must go through.

Please seek out a good therapist. PLEASE do mkae any descisions about your marraige just yet. I think there might be more to her and her support than you think, I do not know. Divorce is such a major issue.

I recently posted that I asked my wife for a divorce because I felt I could not be the man she deserved and that all of my pain, depression, anger, moodswings, flashbacks, fear, et ctera, was NOT FAIR for her to have to deal with.

As always, I found MUCH support here, and my stubborn wife of 16 years said no way!

PLEASE stay with us, read the postings, go to the Professional site from the Home Page to read articles, post some more.

We are all friends and brothers due to our past and our pain.

Welcome aboard!

PEACE and GOD BLESS!

TJ
 
Oh, by the way, I was 38 when I first started dealing with this!

TJ
 
Welcome.

I was 37 when I first admitted to anybody that this had happened to me. The first was my pychiatrist and the second was my therapist I went to for depression over my failing marriage. The only reason I told them is because they asked. I then told my now ex-wife.

It wasn't until after I turned 38 did my T start working on my SA, until I was ready. I did my first work here until my T thought I was ready. I started out 38 as a mess, I will end it being so much better. It's never too late to go forward.

Take care and be honest with yourself,
Bill
 
my_own_prison

Is the name after the Creed disc?

I am sorry that you need a place like this, but welcome to the family.

I have no advice on your marriage, as I am still a bachelor. But I would suggest praying over it, if you are a spiritual person. You might be suprised what can happen.

Again, welcome to the site, and I hope your journey will lead to healing and a sense of peace!

Casey
 
Welcome to our site.

I am 46 and didnot admit the abuse to myself until I was 40. I was abused by an uncle from 2 til 14, then another uncle verbally abused me after that. I totally blocked out all memory of the sexual abuse of the first uncle.

I am married and I know the abuse I suffered had affected my choice of a wife, but it was not a bad choice. Please give yoourself time to deal with your abuse issues and don't just try to sweep out everything in your life. your marriage may survive or not, but do give it a chance.

Hope you find this place to be the place of hope and peace I have found it to be.

Ken
 
yesac76,

Yes...It does come from Creed. That song speaks volumes for the guilt and pain I feel. It's so wierd. I was only 6 yrs old when the sexual abuses by my neigbors started. I know it wasn't my fault. Yet, for some reason, I carry the guilt around with me as if I was the one responsible for my abuse and the others after me. I don't know why I never spoke up. I feel ashamed of my weakness. Only if I would have spoken up. I could have saved those other children the pain and humiliation of lost innocence. I could have spared them the deceit and self destructiveness I and my loved ones have endured. How many more did they abuse after me? If it was just one more, it was one more too many. 6 years ago I did discover that one of them did get arrested. But it was years after I was an adult. Years that he spent defiling other children and forever changing their lives.
 
welcome. i have struggled with marriage, on my second. i feared the day would come when i realized that i chose the wrong one. the thing i've learned is that there is no right mate. no two people are perfect for one another, but you can make a happy life together if you are willing to work.

before you make any major changes in relationships, first heal yourself to the point where you are making good choices for good reasons. then work on your relationship skills. you may find you have a wonderful mate, and arent seeing it yet. if when you have done all the work, it comes down to leaving, it will be for the right reasons at the right time.

you know, it is hard to find someone to support and nurture you through this stuff. the fact your wife is there and loves you, speaks a lot to her character. sometimes relationships that are good for us seem to lack the spark. they are more warm and comfortable than electric. our abuse is looking for something more that isnt out there, some perfect fantasy that isnt around. be careful of discounting what you have before you really know yourself.
 
My_own_prison,
Only if I would have spoken up. I could have saved those other children the pain and humiliation of lost innocence.
Click to expand...
I finally talked to the police in March of this year about the abuse from 1976-77. I learned in the last couple weeks that the man who raped me when I was 16 later spent 30 months as a "House Father" at a residential school for troubled boys.

Shall I kick myself in the ass, or would you like to do it for me? Will it do those boys any good? Will it do you or me any good?

You did what you could when you could do it. Many men are reading the words you wrote and not yet able to do what you did. Many others do not even realize yet that they need to find this kind of help.

Make things better for yourself. I'll make a deal with you. Whichever of us first learns how to change the past will let the other know, ok?

Please do not underestimate the great strength you have to have survived such horror and seek a real recovery. It took a lot of courage for you to look at the past with open eyes. You deserve full credit for doing that.

Thanks,

Joe
 
My wife gave me an ultimatum 6 weeks ago. Quit drinking or leave. I quit drinking. It has forced me to face my past. I have become reclusive and distant. My wife has already been dealing with this behavior for several months because I thought it was her that was my probem. I had spent several months blaming my wife for her inadequacies and now I spring my abuse on her as the real culprit. She is very angry with me because I have made her accept our marriage failure as her responsibility. I think she wants me to leave. I totally understand. I don't want this poison to infect my kids. I was so distraught Friday and Saturday that I self medicated again first the first time in over 6 weeks. I got drunk and told my brothers about my abuse. They didn't want to believe me. Then they wanted to minimalize it. Statements like "just get over it and move on, you have a good life now." and "how bad could it have been?" Well, I gave them a few details and they began to "feel my pain". My oldest brother is taking it the hardest. Of course he got drunk and then he said he wants to "eat my cancer" so I can move on. I told him no one can do that but me.

I went out and bought two books yesterday. "Wounded Boys Heroic Men" & "Abused Boys - The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse." I am looking for a Therapist today too. I am grateful for this forum. I don't feel so alone now.
 
Hi

Sorry we had to meet under these circumstancies, welcome to malesurvior anyway.

I hid my abuse for over thirty years it was aided by large amounts of alcohol and other chemicals. When I got some sobriety behind me it was then that I started to recall snippets of conversations, images, smells from thirty plus years ago and music triggers me like no other one thing.

Today I'm hanging on to my sobriety by the skin of my teeth at the moment, I'm having a couple of shi**y days (mood swings) and the abuse is as raw as ever.

Im not one for giving advice except this stay close to this room there is some wonderful caring people here and there is no catch. Just shared experiencies.

Take it at your own pace

Regards

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"
 
BTW

Mic Hunters book "Abused Boys" is an excellent book. It helped me understand how and why I was feeling the way I was. It wasnt full of pscho-babble either.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"
 
Think about it carefully, but it may be beneficial to both of you if you ask your wife to join the Friends and Family section here at MS. There is excellent support here for her too. Keep in mind that if you do, she will be able to read any public posts which you make and vice versa.
 
You could have written my story, it is almost exactly the same.

The difference here is that you started working on this at thirty-seven rather than my thirty-two and you still have a chance to save your first marriage where as I completely ruined my first.

Everything you are going through is absolutely normal. It sucks, but its normal.

I got the ultimatum on drinking as well. You made the right choice now STICK WITH IT! Things will be tough sometimes but stay away from the alcohol that is your first step. You are ahead of me in that respect. I quit drinking without ever knowing why I was drinking in the first place.

You seem to have decided to stay in your marriage since you chose to stop drinking, now begins your healing. It is a long road but it is well traveled by others, and you can make it too. Do you have a therapist? If not get one but read this article first:

Article on how to find a therapist

Show your wife that you are here and working on your recovery, and tell her that if you guys want to make this work, and you both stick this out and make the commitment to recovery, gradually over the next three to five years (give or take) you will become a man thats even better than the you she wanted to marry in the first place.

Find a good therapist, use them, and remember, they work for you.

Stop self-medicating, you are worth it and you dont need that junk to get by, if you have cravings try the supplement L-Glutamine. You can find it at GNC or just about any health food store and it stopped my cravings cold.

Keep coming here, you may feel you are addicted to this site at some point, which too is normal and passes, but please remember not to let it come between you and your wife.

Click the quote at the bottom of my post and it will take you to my story, my wife has a few things to say in there as well.

If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. Our stories are so similar its scary, but if I can do it anyone can, you just have to really want to make it and commit to it.

Good luck man.
 
It is a tremendous feather in your cap that you have begun to work on these issues. It does not matter that you are 37, what matters is that you want to change your life for the better.

I have read about your problems with your wife in both this thread and my own. I think you might want to allow some healing occur before making any rash decisions. If you are in danger, then of course get out.

An important thing to consider is that you are overwhelmed and beginning a search for a true identity. You do not want to put yourself through any more unecessary pain nor do you want to start projecting your thoughts on to other people (for example 'my wife deserves to be loved by someone who is beter than I').

G/L and keep sharing.
 
btw, my own prison;

you are definatley preaching to the choir (being me big time here).

only after being so hurt with my recent live in when she betrayed me a few months ago did i start to work on my s.a. she said i did not meet her needs. she was right in a way be it her emotional needs and sometimes sexual needs and closeness needs. it has been 31 yrs of hiding my s.a. and i am 41. i had two un-scucessful marriages prior to this whereby i never even told them either.
i also picked the wrong ones and married for the wrong reasons. first one, met in a bar too. married after we had broke up and she started dating someone and i could not stand the thought of her sleeping with someone so i pleaded to get back with her and proposed and soon got married. lasted six years.

my second was a rebound from her, i still did not get close. i a married her because i was lonely too. met her a a drunk party too. she had a alcohol and pill problem too but i did marry her anyway. i ignored that, i just needed to be loved and to have someone i thought. that un-raveled after a few years after she abused more and i grew even more distant and aloof.

i also have abused alcohol (even this past saturday unfortunately), when i was younger did a lot of drugs- can't now because of drug testing i suppose plus i am glad i really don't need that now.

i have now found a t and she has helped me a bit. we discussed and i have found out that i medicate myself with women and/or alcohol. i set myself up to be hurt or i hurt others. the real notion here is that i must love myself and be able to be happy by myself before i can have a decent relationship or a sustaining one with another. so that is where i am at yet.

i am blessed that i have one great beautiful daughter and that is my key objective and motivation for me "getting better".

as for splitting up, i would first go see a counseler as mentioned above and/or get her to visit this site or some others. maybe you can save one or make this one good where i screwed all mine up and am now lonely, sad, and anxious without my past girlfriend and it has been 9 weeks now and i am still grieving.

anyhow, i hope this helps a bit. i understand exactly where you are at.

hang tight man, this is aprocess and we have got to get through it.

guy
 
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