Member, Male
Hi Niels,

Man, the bottom just fell out of my stomach - I am so sorry for how your disclosure was received. Drinking or not, that was an extremely insensitive remark and totally inapropriate.

My head is swimming right now with so many ways to respond to your post, but I think you already know anything else that I could add. You have my whole heart today.


Staff member

People can be quite heartless, especially in matters of trauma and abuse. My mother did some horrifying stuff in my presence when I was little. I know people who would freak out and shy away from me for good if they found out.

This is awful that happened to you. Are you still in touch with any of these people?



Hi Niels,

I just read this now and had the same reaction as Joel... Sick in my gut. I'm not sure I could forgive a statement like that.

So far, I've been lucky. No one has obviously or openly ridiculed me, but lack of support is an ongoing and pervasive theme in my life. I'm glad I've connected up with you guys here.




I can relate to Niels experience. I was sexually harrassed at my work place. about a few weeks after. A Trucker picked me up hitchhiking. Probably, the previous experience wasn't too bad. But, I was still dealing with it. And I just wanted to work. And make some money. so, I won't end up relying on anyone anymore. And like all guys that work at places. They like to make sexual joke. First, among themselves. And when they realized, I was getting emotional they directed them at me. And I was getting homophobic, because I was scared, that the abuse could change me. I wanted to go where there was not abuse. And I believed a job should protect me. They just played mental games. There gay, and they want me. And you cute. It was just a joke. They were not after sex. Just one person, who started it all. Did it out of being mean. And I happened in Salt Lake City, and it was a Mormon run business. But, the owners, were okay. Just stupid ignorant workers. And the ones who thought, they could get away with it. I wasn't taken seriously, till I reported it. But it hurt. Because even I never it wasn't real. It was as if, I could not get to a place, where i was safe. And people shouldn't be so cruel. They are. I reported it. Best thing. I ever did. I felt power off it. And they all said. They were sorry, except the stupid person, said it against his will. And they said something else mean. But, it wasn't sexual. Just mean, and ignorant people.
Then, the mean person who got everyone, in the mob mentality. Invited me to the Mormon Church. This would of never happened, or it would never of gotten that bad. It I didn't get emotional because they more I cried and scream. The more pleasure they got from it. Just plain mean. Because it wasn't funny to me. Jokes about sexual abuse about myself, and about other people. Or, themselves is not funny. It makes me sad, and I need to take serious. What the person says, if they were abused. Or, commit abuse, or anything of that nature. Not make some big job out of it. It is not funny. But, the truth, is that maybe one person said it because they wanted to hurt me, and that was there method. And the other didn't realize it. They were just ignorant. I'm sorry, if I hurt anyone from this post.

dark empathy

Wow! this topic turned up at just the right time.

Niels, I'm really shocked to here that. I've luckily been able to keep my own disclosure as quiet as possible, and would never considder telling anyone I didn't trust explicitly, ---- but there have been times I've almost fallen into the horrible trap of blirting things out through anger, ---- such as one occasion recently when someone saw the way I reacted to suggestive humor and told me to "Grow up and stop acting like a stupid kid"

What really complicates matters, is on occasions that person has been my mum, in fact it was my reaction to the hole subject combined with my extreme fear of anyone seeing me waring anything less than a T shirt which let her deduce what had happened to me.

I really hope you can get away from what these idiots said to you niels.

Recovery, I can absolutely! relate.

everytime I here the S WORD i PHYSICALLY FLINch, much less extensive jokes on the subject.

I know exactly why I have this reaction, ---- so often when I was a teenager it preceeded bad things happening, but stil it really is a pain.

I can be fine, having a perfectly normal conversation then someone will make a joke on those terms and it's as if I've just been clubbed over the head.

Mostly, when people discover this reaction they either get confused, say it's sweet (a remark that always confuses me), or think I'm phobic on the subject or have some odd victorian morals.

A couple of times I've had people actively set out to be cruel about it, ---- and that can be bloody awful sinse it's so close to what happened to me as a teenager.

Probably the worst times though, ---- as you said yourself, are when people just don't notice.

Last night I was at a rehearsal for the production I'm doing. part of the plot involves the entire female chorus wanting to marry one bloke and singing choruses such as "twenty love sick maidens we"

One chap, ---- someone I've actually been good friends with said "Why does he need to marry them? being gang banged by 20 girls at once, ---- wow!"

As people will guess given my own experiences, I nearly screamed, it was like being hit with an iron bar.

I totally withdrew for the rest of the rehearsal, trying not to cry, ---- which fact nobody actually noticed, then came home and broke down completely. For the result please see poem 26.

The worst thing is, I feel no anger towards my friend for this. Afterall, neither he nor anyone else knows how much that sort of comment would affect me, and it's just my own stupid fault I react like that.

If I wasn't such an idiot I wouldn't have a problem, ---- and the mess I got into last night was entirely mine.

Please be kind to yourself my friend.
We all have our wounds.
You did not give your wounds to yourself.
It was not your fault that you were abused as you were.
Please try to love and accept yourself as you are, a wounded
and healing man.
I do.I care.



It is unfortunate that people in our society just can't handle the fact that these things do happen and try to cover up their own insecurities and ignorance with "humour"

I must admit that I too used humour to cover my pain and keep my secrets away from any public awarness. It is only recently that I have broken my silence. Not only being sexually abused by and uncle I was subjected to constant verbal abuse with sexual connotations by my mother. I am just begining to understand the wounds that have been created by it. When I tried to bring it up with my first wife all I got a response of " just get over it and grow up" , needless to say we are no longer married.

Where I work there is a lot of foul mouth and sexually based jokes. I have tried to ignore and not respond when hearing it and it is having an effect. I heard one employee even say "better be a clean joke, Steve is in the room."

By not engaging in such talk and sexual "humour" has had an effect. If they think I am a prude or something similar, so be it. It's not them that stares back at me from the mirror.

It is a sad but true fact that the communitities that we live and work are still driven by myths and stereotypes. The truth to men/boys and sexual abuse is breaking ground, albiet slowly. We still have to work on the basis of this with the Men don't Cry or Feel or have any emotions root.


dark empathy

Michael, thanks.

Self love is something I find nearly impossible.

Steve, I can again relate completely. I've had a lot of those "Better be a clean joke" type experiences myself.

People are actually surprised when they find out that ethically i'm very much of the "if it doesn't hurt anyone else, then do it" school of thought, and at that stage I have to literally explain that there's nothing wrong with the thing in general, ---- it's just a wrong reaction in me.

I actually think there's just as much wrong with assumptions in the masculine sterriotype as in the feminine one, ---- another reason why I considder myself male only in the sense I considder myself five foot eight.


I don't like a lot of the male stereotype thing. I think it sells men short in regards to their (our) potential and makes it a lot harder for them (us) to be an emotional person. As I get more comfortable allowing myself to be me, I don't hide that I am an emotional person (I always was as a kid, and a deep thinker to boot); I don't always overtly show it, but you can see it in my eyes. And if someone has a problem with that, well I just revert back to stereotypes and let them know with those same eyes that I will beat their *** if they don't let up ;)

P.S. I'm not really that much of a tough guy but it was fun to say that. I'd rather the world be more emotional and we communicated in honest ways and worked our issues out. The media promoted passive aggressive feeling denying we got a false front to sell you, how much do you got? reality is causing a lot of the worlds problems. I'd rather just feel.
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