.

.
D

Dan88

Registrant
My story is probably similar to yours. When I first entered recovery for sexual addiction, I told my sponsor something that I thought would surprise him. That the actual act of sleeping with a woman was almost irrelevent. It was the scheming and preparation that was overwhelmingly appealing to me. By the time I actually got into bed with a woman, I was already feeling sad. Wise man that he is, he pointed out that while I may have thought I was chasing sex, it was adrenaline I was actually seeking.

After talking with my doctor about it, I came to realize that when I was younger, I developed a terrific ability to withstand stress. The flip side of that is that normal, every day situations that don't produce fear are gruelingly tedious. As an exercise, I listed the adrenaline producing activities I've engaged in, and it opened my eyes. I have driven racing cars, driven illegally at high speeds, provoked lots of fights (many of which I lost badly), gone jogging in the housing projects at 1 a.m., taken and sold drugs, stolen, worked in deadline oriented jobs, etc. The list goes on.

As I got older, and settled, I closed off more and more of these opportunities for getting the adrenaline rush. I'm in no shape to go out to the bars and pick fights any more. I moved into management in a slower-paced environment. Etc. But then I discovered the perfect middle-aged adrenaline rush -- having affairs. It became an all-consuming drive. I sought women through personal ads incessantly. I can't count how many online identities I had. I got to the point where I would break it off with one woman and resolve never to have another affair. Within less than day, I'd have new personal ads up and running. I felt like I wasn't just leading two lives, I was juggling seven lives. My inability to stop this behavior ultimately led me to seriously consider suicide. It may sound insane -- I know it does to me -- but the mix of secrecy, danger, sex was irresistable to someone whose earliest sexual memories entailed that kind of secrecy and shame.

I have to admit that getting sober was a mixed blessing. I am of course happy that I'm not behaving the way I was. But it forced me to look closely at the ways abuse affected me, and that's been a more painful process than I ever wanted to face.
 
This may seem out of line or insensitive, it isn't meant that way. But I think it might have been more interesting to have a sexual addiction rather than a sexual aversion. Do you know how many times I could have gotten laid if I had only let my eyes fall in the right place?

I am just the opposit from you. That makes it difficult to give good advise. Too bad we cant strike a good ballance among us.

Aden
 
Aden

to balance the scales, I have to admit, I was the same as you, my aversion was part, that I thought I had caught an STD, and part of the way sex seemed so utterly filthy.

I even remember bauking at the thought in my early teens, there have been so many missed chances, even when I got there, the shit would always block emotions to some degree, or my different lifestyle of needing space, you know what I am saying?

There were so many women, some I lost, some, they lost me.

Can I ask is it the eye movement you think maybe the answer, I've largely managed to control that, without therapy.

take care

ste
 
Yes, it is in the eyes. Of course it is also in the intention. But the eyes are where the intention is made known. This is one of those few things about which I am sure. The thing is, it isn't in their eyes where you will see it. It is in your eyes that you will show it.

Hell, that is a load of crap! But it sounds good. The truth is, it is in the eyes where souls meet. The situations where you choose to make eye contact often determin the course of your life.

Aden
 
Interesting that you guys have the reverse experience. In recovering, one of the things they warn you about is how quickly addiction can turn in to sexual anorexia. Once you start to associate the drive with its origins, it can easily become so disturbing you avoid sex altogether, or you simply don't respond to the signals that bring about healthy sex.

I agree; what we all need is the healthy balance that comes from never having been molested in the first place. Barring that, I guess we get to keep looking for some balance on our own.

It strikes me that is the real crux of the problem we face in being survivors. We're always trying to create the mechanisms for responding "normally" to events and situations, but there really is no guide for doing that. While others can respond effortlessly and without being self-conscious, so much of my energy is tied up in figuring out if my natural response to something is appropriate that I'm warn out from just simple interactions.
 
So, does that mean that sexual abhorance can turn into sexual addiction? I am waiting!!!!!!!!!!!

That was a joke. Probably in bad taste. Sorry.

Aden
 
LOL!

I do know that anorexia can swing back to addiction. But usually we in recovery are hoping against it.

But if you ever need help in writing a personals ad, let me know !!!
 
It was not my intention to deflect the original point of this post. I am sure it is hard to deal with sexual addiction and acting out.

Were I cursed with the same thing, by now I would be dead. It is the reluctance to get involved that has kept me safe from things like AIDS and other nasty stuff.

Still, I wish that I had been more open to the sexual creature that I am.

Aden
 
Yes, it seems that going over-the-top with sex or not wanting it at all are 2 familair extremes to a lot of survivors.

That was some very eloquent writing there, Dan, by the way. I can relate to the tedium of normality that you mentioned - a settled relationship becomes so boring that I get claustrophobic. It doesn't have that adrenaline, like your sponsor suggested. And, of course, the more inappropriate the situation, the more adrenaline there is. My first girlfriend was engaged when I met her - my next girlfriend was married. I "saved" them, like a hero, from their uncaring insensitive men who didn't understand them - just like I did with my mother.

And so, like you all, I try to sort out which thoughts and feelings are the ones that I should listen to and act from. But that sounds like the beginning of another topic...

Howard
 
Is this not a snakes pit, the thread is a good one, so many of us must be acting out, directly or indirectly, to the type of abuse, who did it and repetition etc., etc.,

There must be thousands of combinations to this one, I am just reading mic hunters' abused boys, and it has given me a lot of understanding of my feelings.

I think because we go thru so much, depending on age, type of abuse, and who the perp was the multitude of things a child goes thru, living this shit depends on the outcome.

The younger age, the worst it is for the kid but not the perp, as the kid gets confuse, doesn't have the verbal skills or memory at the time, but that is only one point, it depends on whether the perp would be a common actor in the kids world.

If it is a parent, kids think it is OK because parents know everything, they can't be wrong, so the kid thinks it's right, when it is wrong, by that I mean the kid sees right as wrong and vice versa, what a confused kid you got there!

Mine happened before puberty and I didn't really know what was happening, when I reached puberty, it was like the abuse happening all over again, and there is so much confusion there also, what you thought of the world before and after gets thrown into absolute chaos and turmoil

No wonder we have it for life

ste
 
Aden, I hear you. I have an aversion to sex. Its been about 2 years since the last time. That is okay for me, Im no longer married. Someday I will have sex again, when the times comes, but Im not about to rush it. At the same time I could be considered addicted to sex. A celibate sex addict. I have forever replaced my desire to have sex with pornography. I got needs, but no need to have another person involved. Previous experiences had told me having others involved wasnt the way. I have never been able to have sex. I can make love to a person, but I cant just have sex, brings too much shit onto me.

Ive mentioned before the emotional distraught I had from having (non-abuse) sex for the first time. I felt so guilty for enjoying it. I felt like I had done the same thing to her that had been done to me. How could I ever have done that? It would be many, many years before I would end up doing that again. So porn was my release for my sexual desires. Demeaning porn, meant to know how bad a person I really was.

Ive come a long way, through T, this discussion board, and so much in the chat room. I dont know if I can just have sex, nor do I want to just find out. I am content with the part of making love. But this all really ruined porn. The demeaning stories that I craved, just turn me off now. Looking at pictures, I first look at the face of the participants. Ever notice how many look like they dont want to be there and are being forced? I didnt, but do now.

Each day goes on by. Some are good, some arent so good. Some days I learn a lot about myself, others I seem to forget. But we never forget, we just not apply it to ourselves. The good in us is there. Its just a matter of finding it and applying it. That Committee of Assholes can have the rest of my life off, they arent needed. I have learned, what I think is, a good moral conscience. That is all I need to follow. So much truth in Robert Fulgums essay All I needed to Know, I Learned in Kidergarten.

Take care and be kind to yourself,
Bill
 
I do not have 'rush' in any form of sexual manner. I have not yet had sexual relations, and still have great fear of it. But I have gotten 'rush' in other ways. If I am understanding that word right. I would get great release from harming myself in some way. And if it was to far, I could not really feel relief from it, I would have to go out and pick fight with someone to beat me up. I am rather lucky still that I never meet with anyone who will kill me. But that was what I need at the time. Now, I have not done that for some time, and have not even done self harm for while. Getting better with it. And maybe that is my 'rush' now. Because sometime I can even feel proud of myself.

leosha
 
does rush = acting out? I'm addicted to pornography. I "must" spend hours every night seeking the right "act" to saticefy my addiction. It's like a rush for me...but I am repulsed by my own addiction because I can't seem to stop. I've been speaking to my T about it. He hasn't offered a solution yet. Maybe he is still gathering information about it. I don't know. All I know is I try to stop but can't. I entered a 12 step program for drinking (AA) and I have tried to apply the same 12 steps to this addiction but it hasn't worked. The craving overwhelms me. On a positive note, I've been alcohol free for 30 days. If I could make it a week with out porn, that would be a small miracle.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top