32, first hetero attractions

32, first hetero attractions

jonmark411

Registrant
Hi all,

I'm 32, recovering from CSA when I was very young. I was active on this site about a decade ago, but kind of dismissed it all as a distraction. I settled on being gay as that's what felt comfortable, even though it blew my family relationships apart due to their religiosity. I threw myself into my work and I do honestly enjoy my work a lot. I manage a farm because I always dreamed of an escape as a child growing up in an urban wasteland.

I've always been considered 'straight' or 'straight-acting' by peers and co-workers, so it would generally surprise people when they found out I was gay. I was never allowed to date girls growing up, and probably somewhere on the bisexual spectrum, but ignored them mainly because I think my attraction to girls triggers a lot of anxiety.

All that to say I thought I was gay until a year ago. I haven't dated guys in years, I had one relationship with a guy that was pretty rocky, but not terrible. I feel we bonded more over shared trauma and rejection.

I met a girl at a wedding the year prior to this particular evening and was pretty smitten in my own ignorant way. Meaning I shoved any thoughts and feelings about her and women in general deep down into my psyche and ignored them.

A year later, another married female friend pushed us together at a party. It was maybe a five minute interaction between this girl and me. (woman, she is a mom already). Probably the most awkward moment of my adult life. She did most of the talking as I was about to hyperventilate and pass out I was suddenly so nervous in a way I've not felt about anyone in a long time.

I walked into that conversation being pretty well ok with being gay. In the moment I just felt like a beast in the presence of the beauty. All the trauma and feelings came rushing back in ways I haven't felt in years. At the same time I felt a desire for her that I had never felt before, and felt a huge rush of positive sexual and romantic attraction.

I did take her out, it hasn't gone anywhere as she is a single mom that wants to keep her kids in proximity to their dad, but I've now started to notice attraction to other women as well. Still haven't acted on it.

I'm still hooking up with guys, mostly either trauma reenactment type hookups or just because I'm lonely and live in a very rural area. I'm trying not to hook up so I can stop the cycle, but haven't had much luck. I don't really want to date women until I can get to a better spot in my self understanding. Not sure exactly what that looks like.

I don't have any particular question, but if any part resonates with you, I'd love to hear more stories from other people's experiences.

Thanks,
The 32 year old virgin
 
Jon, Welcome Back! I’m glad you came back. I’m sorry you had to experience the trauma that brought us all here. This is a continuing ongoing healing journey. I haven’t changed my sexuality but my gender identity has changed. Well not changed but I am coming to terms with what it always has been. Looking back it’s painfully obvious that I was transgender but not when I was going through it. As I go further along in healing my life makes more and more sense. Why I did so many self destructive things. For me I was just re-enacting the abuse or venting my rage about it, usually towards myself. It seems like a positive sign that you felt attraction but no shame. I really hope that this is a sign that you’re healing some part of yourself and will continue to heal. Peace
 
I think this is great for you to see that you can be attracted to women and not be defined by the effects CSA causes you. I too was molested at an early age and it caused a lot of emotional problems. I was feminized in the abuse so I wanted to please my guy friends and guys in general in a way that brought me a lot of guilt and shame. But then there would be times where I was attracted to girls and felt like a normal guy and I liked that. Goes to show that we can change.
 
This reminds me of myself. I was sexually and verbally abused by my brother who made me believe that I was gay (mostly due to the reactions of my body). I believed him as he was my only trusted person in my life at that time. So in the end, I reenacted my abuse using gay pornography over nearly 20 years. I always knew in my heart that I was attracted to women. I watched hetero and gay pornography. I had interest in girls and had some dates but it never ended in a more intimate relationship. I think mostly due to the fact that I could not trust anybody - not even myself.
In fall 2022, I began to open up with regards to my past and I started seeing a therapist. Now, it is the first time that I will have a date with a woman who I would like to get to know better.
 
I think this is great for you to see that you can be attracted to women and not be defined by the effects CSA causes you. I too was molested at an early age and it caused a lot of emotional problems. I was feminized in the abuse so I wanted to please my guy friends and guys in general in a way that brought me a lot of guilt and shame. But then there would be times where I was attracted to girls and felt like a normal guy and I liked that. Goes to show that we can change.
Like you, I was emasculated (or feminised) during my 1st adult abuser and then subsequently reaffirmed in further abuse by a different man with words such as "your a natural", "your lips or your ass was made for....." which has left me with so much guilt and shame. I believed I was gay, and more so, that I was weak and there merely to please men.

I realised that I wasn't attracted to men or guys my age when I was around 18 or 19 but it didn't stop me searching for dominant older men to reaffirm what I had been conditioned to believe. I married a wonderful woman who taught me what a loving caring relationship is. But I still get triggered and occasionally slip which leaves me distraught, hurt, guilty, and awash with shame. I am currently seeking help and awaiting therapy to try to overcome or at least learn to live with my CSA.

I believe that the gender you are attracted to is irrelevant, it's whether that relationship is positive and affirming.
 
I believe that the gender you are attracted to is irrelevant, it's whether that relationship is positive and affirming.
I agree with that - as far I as see it LOVE is a gender-neutral emotion.
 
Thanks for sharing JonMark. As an child sexual abuse survivor molested by both men and women, sexuality has always been a minefield for me, even to this day, 45+ years later. I find women attractive and some I feel very attracted to. I've been in relationships with many of them. I was very nice looking when I was young and handsome as I grew older and I'm masculine but gentle. Women were drawn to me like flies and I could have any one of them I wanted. I've dated gorgeous women. I've obsessed over them, cried over them even after breakups. But I've never been in love with not a single one of them. When I met my current partner I finally experienced love. It's when you lay side by side in bed, gazing into each other's eye and the world just melts away and there's no other place you'd rather be. And you could stay in bed for days. And then even a few years later the thought of losing them is such a devastating thing to think about, you just try not to and enjoy what each day brings you and enjoy the time you do have together. That my partner is not a woman doesn't really mean anything to me. Even after 13 years of intense therapy, trying to parse memories and trauma associated with abuse always complicates how I feel about my attractions. Shame is a horrible thing. It serves no useful function and the world would be so much better without it.
 
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