3 lousy numbers

[Broken]

I dont feel good about myself. I tried calling some places for rent and could only manage to call three today. This is going to take forever. Im going to leave a message on my therapist answering machine, if i talk maybe i can get a little more motivated.

I want out so bad, my mom keeps touching me and making me uncomfortale. Im supposed to be an adult now, but i dont know what to do. I have just as much power as i did when i was a kid. I hate this fucking world. Sorry, your screwed, your completely fucked and we dont care. Thats what the world says to me everyday. A lot of people are always saying nobody loves me. For me, thats true. Everyone in my life uses me one way or another. My friends are all hoplessely lost, my father makes me feel guilty for not writing him in prison, my grandmother sends me gifts so i will call her, then makes me feel guilty for not calling. My mom used me for her own gratification, her boyfriend is jealous of me and my mom, and the rest of the world looks at me like im a freak. I have no love in my life from anybody but myself, and a bunch of strangers. Its just the truth. I like coming here because people are always trying to care about other people, even when they dont know if they will make it till tomorrow. I gotta go, ill be back somtime soon.

 

I can identify strongly with your situation, to put it mildly. You're going to have to practice liking yourself. Truth is the World out there does'nt mean shit. So you're not liked? Other people think badly of you. But who the hell are they? They've been appointed by God to judge you? I went thru this for decades with my mother & sister. You'd think they were both lesbians the way they joined forces against me. But wait a minute. My mom used to jack me off and in the early 80s my sister came to my house,asked how long since I'd had sex then offered herself to me. So I'm gonna fret about being acceptable to these two? I don't think so. If your dad's in prison,right there's a hint that you should'nt fret about rising to your parents' acceptance of what constitutes normalicy. While our parents are living we view them as gods. After they croak it becomes easier to see them as they really were. My parents were useless shit. My father was a pathetic whimp. All the women in my family were psychotic nutcases. It's taken 44 years since "it" began to like myself.