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- Thread starterjacobtk
- Start date
roadrunner
Registrant
Jacob,
Keeping abuse secrets is a terrible terrible burden. It recalls the days when we had to keep silent as boys, and continuing to keep the secrets now just perpetuates the pain and trauma they involve and leave us with deeper feelings of guilt and shame.
My friend, there is no such thing as an abuse secret that is better left unsaid. Left unrevealed to certain people, sure. But left totally hushed up, no.
Talking is the way forward, and I really do believe there is no other way. By talking we break the silence; we reject the blame and drag the secret out into the light where it can be looked at and examined.
We say, for example, "He did X to me and I am so ashamed". Then we discover that the deed was his doing, not ours; if we felt we were "in on it", that was all a part of his tricks. If we feel we should have said no or stopped it, we discover that kids don't have this power or responsibility. The shame is the abuser's, not ours.
Jacob, I don't mean to pick on you, but can I use something you say as a kind of example of a broader difficulty? Here it is:
I think there are two reasons for this, both of them going, as usual, right back to the days of our abuse.
One is that we learned as abused boys that we had to accept endless pain and trauma. We didn't have a choice. And in any case, we were also learning how worthless we were; we didn't DESERVE to be safe - from pain or anything else. As adults all this continues; we accept pain that doesn't belong to us and are too ready to tolerate situations that work to our harm. For example we tolerate disrespect, hesitate to stand up for ourselves in even trivial things, and accept exploitive, unfair and toxic treatment at work and in personal relationships. We remain silent because it would "hurt the family". We tolerate shame that doesn't belong to us because we have already done that for years. We don't take care of ourselves health-wise or deal with medical problems promptly. I could go on and on, Jacob; it's a very large package.
The other reason is that as abused boys we learned the false lessons that our needs would not be met, that these needs were not important, and that we ourselves were not important. Our lives were overwhelmed by the task of keeping silent and making sure that no one would know. ALL at our own expense, of course, but what did it matter? No one cares; why should I? Now as adults we find it difficult to identify what we need and ASK for it. We fear it is unmanly to do so; a "real man" is self-sufficient and for sure he doesn't have problems like abuse. Only pussies go to therapists. We fear rejection, disbelief, shaming, blaming, and so on. And at the end of the day our self-esteem and confidence are not high enough for us to recognize that we ARE a priority! We don't see that we deserve to recover regardless of other considerations.
My point, Jacob, is that you feel as you do because of what you have suffered. But the truth of the matter is that "everyone else" will not be hurt if you talk about your abuse experiences, and the possibility that some will be embarrassed or inconvenienced should not deter you. Those who really matter should support you; if they don't, you are not under any obligation to accommodate their selfishness.
That doesn't mean that you should get up at the next wedding and disclose to the world. And it doesn't mean disclose everything all at once. But the harsh reality is that abuse secrets that remain in the dark will continue to hurt and harm us. It is absolutely not our job to bear this burden. We have to reject it as pain and shame that doesn't belong to us, and we have to ask for the help we need to do so.
Much love,
Larry
Keeping abuse secrets is a terrible terrible burden. It recalls the days when we had to keep silent as boys, and continuing to keep the secrets now just perpetuates the pain and trauma they involve and leave us with deeper feelings of guilt and shame.
My friend, there is no such thing as an abuse secret that is better left unsaid. Left unrevealed to certain people, sure. But left totally hushed up, no.
Talking is the way forward, and I really do believe there is no other way. By talking we break the silence; we reject the blame and drag the secret out into the light where it can be looked at and examined.
We say, for example, "He did X to me and I am so ashamed". Then we discover that the deed was his doing, not ours; if we felt we were "in on it", that was all a part of his tricks. If we feel we should have said no or stopped it, we discover that kids don't have this power or responsibility. The shame is the abuser's, not ours.
Jacob, I don't mean to pick on you, but can I use something you say as a kind of example of a broader difficulty? Here it is:
As I said, there is no such thing as an abuse secret that should remain buried and told to no one. If I have been badly injured I see a doctor, go to the hospital and do whatever it takes to recover, including taking time off work and expecting my family to adapt to the new circumstances, even if this means dramatic changes. Why should recovery from abuse be any different? Why do we hesitate to claim our right to recover?
I think there are two reasons for this, both of them going, as usual, right back to the days of our abuse.
One is that we learned as abused boys that we had to accept endless pain and trauma. We didn't have a choice. And in any case, we were also learning how worthless we were; we didn't DESERVE to be safe - from pain or anything else. As adults all this continues; we accept pain that doesn't belong to us and are too ready to tolerate situations that work to our harm. For example we tolerate disrespect, hesitate to stand up for ourselves in even trivial things, and accept exploitive, unfair and toxic treatment at work and in personal relationships. We remain silent because it would "hurt the family". We tolerate shame that doesn't belong to us because we have already done that for years. We don't take care of ourselves health-wise or deal with medical problems promptly. I could go on and on, Jacob; it's a very large package.
The other reason is that as abused boys we learned the false lessons that our needs would not be met, that these needs were not important, and that we ourselves were not important. Our lives were overwhelmed by the task of keeping silent and making sure that no one would know. ALL at our own expense, of course, but what did it matter? No one cares; why should I? Now as adults we find it difficult to identify what we need and ASK for it. We fear it is unmanly to do so; a "real man" is self-sufficient and for sure he doesn't have problems like abuse. Only pussies go to therapists. We fear rejection, disbelief, shaming, blaming, and so on. And at the end of the day our self-esteem and confidence are not high enough for us to recognize that we ARE a priority! We don't see that we deserve to recover regardless of other considerations.
My point, Jacob, is that you feel as you do because of what you have suffered. But the truth of the matter is that "everyone else" will not be hurt if you talk about your abuse experiences, and the possibility that some will be embarrassed or inconvenienced should not deter you. Those who really matter should support you; if they don't, you are not under any obligation to accommodate their selfishness.
That doesn't mean that you should get up at the next wedding and disclose to the world. And it doesn't mean disclose everything all at once. But the harsh reality is that abuse secrets that remain in the dark will continue to hurt and harm us. It is absolutely not our job to bear this burden. We have to reject it as pain and shame that doesn't belong to us, and we have to ask for the help we need to do so.
Much love,
Larry
the only thing i can say, is if you can ever reach the point where nothing remains hidden, it is like being set free. i feel like as long as i am carefull to keep everyting open and honest from here, i can finally live without hiding anything. it really feels good.
you are right, some secretes do hurt others, and my wife was hurt. the thing is, now we can be ourselves. i dont hold anything inside that can hurt her any more. now i am free.
you are right, some secretes do hurt others, and my wife was hurt. the thing is, now we can be ourselves. i dont hold anything inside that can hurt her any more. now i am free.
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
In my post to Jacob I am speaking to you as well. I know things look bad right now, and this won't be the only time this happens. But the situation isn't hopeless and it isn't true that live always sucks. But at the same time I can see exactly why you feel that way.
One way in which we accept pain and trauma that doesn't belong to us is that we deny or ignore all the signs of how worthwhile and important we are. Of course we do that: abuse has taught us to forget that shit and focus on how worthless we are - good for nothing but a fuck.
But the lesson was false and the reality is otherwise. You are a cool guy with a great sense of humor (too sarcastic though
) and from your interest in motorcross I guess you must be good with mechanical things. But mainly, your courage is astonishing. I know you don't see it as a big deal, but for a teenager to come in here and talk about the things you have, well, that takes a lot of guts. The list could go on, but my point is you ARE important. You ARE worthwhile. And you are NOT a hopeless case.
You aren't alone in the way you feel. ALL of us have different circumstances, histories, and so on, but we all share certain things and these problems stand among them. I hope you will give it some thought and try to believe me when I say that ALL of us have felt as you do at some point.
Hang with us, Trev. You WILL get through this.
Much love,
Larry
In my post to Jacob I am speaking to you as well. I know things look bad right now, and this won't be the only time this happens. But the situation isn't hopeless and it isn't true that live always sucks. But at the same time I can see exactly why you feel that way.
One way in which we accept pain and trauma that doesn't belong to us is that we deny or ignore all the signs of how worthwhile and important we are. Of course we do that: abuse has taught us to forget that shit and focus on how worthless we are - good for nothing but a fuck.
But the lesson was false and the reality is otherwise. You are a cool guy with a great sense of humor (too sarcastic though
) and from your interest in motorcross I guess you must be good with mechanical things. But mainly, your courage is astonishing. I know you don't see it as a big deal, but for a teenager to come in here and talk about the things you have, well, that takes a lot of guts. The list could go on, but my point is you ARE important. You ARE worthwhile. And you are NOT a hopeless case.You aren't alone in the way you feel. ALL of us have different circumstances, histories, and so on, but we all share certain things and these problems stand among them. I hope you will give it some thought and try to believe me when I say that ALL of us have felt as you do at some point.
Hang with us, Trev. You WILL get through this.
Much love,
Larry