27 years of silence ends now (**Triggers**)
highflight
Registrant
Wow, this got long...and still it's vague. There is a section that has triggers both start and end of that section are marked.
I have been a registered member for almost 6 months now, and am finally reaching the point of feeling comfortable formally introducing myself and sharing my story (well see how much I can actually write). I started therapy shortly after registering, and am amazed at how valuable it has been. I knew my life was a wreck, but was totally unaware of the extent that this cancer was infiltrating every aspect of my life. It is refreshing to begin working through these issues exhausting, but refreshing.
Growing up, I dont think I ever felt particularly connected to anyone other than my family. In grades 1-6, we lived in a small logging community in the northwest, where my dad was a professional working for the governmentnot a hard stretch to understand how I felt like an outsider. Lived in Florida in 7th grade, where I went through the standard normalization process where I was a curiosity from somewhere else. Never made significant friends (other than in scouts) as we only lived there for 10 months before moving back up to the pacific northwest.
My parents loved me and provided everything I needed. I truly do not feel like I was neglected or unloved. So why I felt like a loner is a complete mystery to me. Scouts, really, was my only outlet, as it was easy to connect with people due to commonality of interests. Close to where I lived there was an incredible summer camp awesome is the only word I can think of.
It was there I first observed R. He was a staff member, totally charismatic, totally capable, and known by everyone. After a couple of years, I had the opportunity to join the staffwhere he was now the program director. That summer was the best. I couldnt believe that I could actually be part of this teamI wanted it more than almost anything. What was even cooler was that R had taken me under his wing a little. He got to know me, and talked with me he made me feel special. I didnt just know him, but I could call myself a friend of his. What more could a low self-esteem boy who never felt like he fit in ever ask for? It was great. I wanted it to never end. I would work here as many summers as I possibly could. I FINALLY belonged to something.
In the off-season, there were often work weekends where staff and other volunteers would go to camp to work on construction projects, maintenance, or other things. Now as a staffer, and newly 16 with a drivers license, I had the ability to participate sheer excitement to more fully participate in my new in-crowd.
*****TRIGGER ALERT SECTION START******
It was at one of those weekends, I believe in the spring of my junior year of high-school (16 years old) that my personal hell started. The night began like any other, lots of people crashing in one of the lodge buildings. This time a bunch were laid out on the floor of the main room, to include me. R was right next to meno big deal. At some point in the night, I woke up and froze. Someone was touching me and it felt good. In fact, it felt greatvery arousing. Even through the fabric of my underwear, no one had ever touched me like that. Then I heard him whisper shh and his hand slid under my waistband and I was even more aroused. I will forever remember his smell, a little like coffee and cigarettes and sweat, the feel of the whiskers on my face, his breathing. I was so incredibly aroused I must be enjoying itit feels awesome, I thought. just be quiet he said as he slipped off his t-shirtand then brought me to climax keeping the mess in his shirtand totally in secret. How this happened without anyone else hearing I have no idea but it did. People snoring in the background. My 23 year old friend just brought things to a new level. Male intimacy would forever be problematic, because my mind now thought this was normal or to be expected.
the next day, there was nothing said. Nothing. Period. I was so confused. I knew it was wrong, but it felt great. If I said anything, my future working at the place I loved would clearly be in jeopardy. Who would ever believe me? He was the idol of so many.
Then he was gone for a year. I kept my horrible secret to myself it was too much for anyone to know that I thought I must be gay. Girlfriends were challenging. Keeping up appearances was hard - I was always hyper-alert to what anyone might have heard or might think. Looking back, I was miserable (although I didnt know it at the time).
Then he came backand re-established his power and dominance over me. It happened again. But this time it was in full daylight when everyone else happened to be out of the lodge. Again it was just him making me feel great. His clothes never came off. It was terrifying standing there with my pants around my ankles and him mbating me what if someone came in? (It felt great, though). No talking, just action. The risk must have been exhilarating for him the bastard just the fact that he had this power over me that he could use when he wanted. 90 percent of the time, we were just friends, but then there were these 2 episodes where his needs were more important than me.
Miserable life as a high-schooler continued. And then I went to college. Nearby. He was still there. We hung out still. Something wasnt the same, though, and I thought maybe I wasnt doing enough, so one night things started getting frisky again, and I decided I would reciprocate. I actually handled him as wellnow I was complicit. It was awkward, I hated it, but still this must make me gay. Not long after, he completely broke contact, and I was so ashamed convinced that I just wasnt good enough. It must have been me.
****TRIGGER ALERT SECTION END*******
The tricky part in my life was that I was on ROTC scholarship, and all of this would have ended it. Secrets kept. Every time I made a new friend, this demon of a secret whispered to me that I needed to be ready to give everything to this friendship, and so I was constantly ready to make a connection in the physical way not recognizing that this was not normal or desired or asked for or expected. Once on a roadtrip with a lot of alcohol, I got naked in bed with a friend from ROTC lets just say I spent time trying to convince the navy that I wasnt gay, just drunk. I dont even remember if anything inappropriate happened other than that dude being totally uncomfortable. Miserable. Fake. Charlatan. This was my life.
For almost 20 years of my career - flying off of aircraft carriers, time in combat, the whole bit I lived what I thought to be a lie. I was a phony. If only they knew Thats what I thought. I was codependent in almost all of my guy friendships. Nothing ever happened, but I was ready for it to to the point that I felt rejected when nothing did. You can only imagine how fake it felt to live in the top gun type of world, knowing that for some reason you were ready (if needed) to get physical with ANY of your friends. I was confused and miserable. I dated, but never for long, and never successfully until 14 years ago. She was awesome, I almost lost her. I was afraid of what I thought I was the lie I was living and the secret I was keeping.
Ive been happily married for 12 years. So I guess Im not gay, even though I tried to convince myself that I might be. One of my habits, though, was to relive my abuse by looking at gay porn occasionally online. Id drift there with a wandering mind. Find a few pictures of 20 something guys enjoying each other, convince myself that I had enjoyed it too. Afterwards Id feel horrible, and self-loathing and self-hatred would start again. Its been a miserable cycle.
My wife found out about the porn (she already knew about the CSA), and confronted me. I responded with a panic attack (fearful of losing her and everything else) and a trip back down the familiar dark road to depression. I struggle daily to keep the faith.
Im now in therapy with a great psychologist specializing in PTSD and CSA. Were unpacking a lot. This onion peeling is exhausting, and some days certainly feel like the worst is yet to come. Im still terrified, but learning to place anger where it belongs on him and not on me.
Hes been called out. Hes been in the news in the northwest civil suit from several others since its been too long for criminal (grr.). Turns out I wasnt the only one. I wasnt special to him, just one of several. I just fulfilled a need. In the process, he crossed wires in my head about what was appropriate and what was not. My physical boundaries were non-existant.
Hi, Im Dan, and I was sexually abused as a teenager. It was not my fault, and I didnt ask for it.
I have been a registered member for almost 6 months now, and am finally reaching the point of feeling comfortable formally introducing myself and sharing my story (well see how much I can actually write). I started therapy shortly after registering, and am amazed at how valuable it has been. I knew my life was a wreck, but was totally unaware of the extent that this cancer was infiltrating every aspect of my life. It is refreshing to begin working through these issues exhausting, but refreshing.
Growing up, I dont think I ever felt particularly connected to anyone other than my family. In grades 1-6, we lived in a small logging community in the northwest, where my dad was a professional working for the governmentnot a hard stretch to understand how I felt like an outsider. Lived in Florida in 7th grade, where I went through the standard normalization process where I was a curiosity from somewhere else. Never made significant friends (other than in scouts) as we only lived there for 10 months before moving back up to the pacific northwest.
My parents loved me and provided everything I needed. I truly do not feel like I was neglected or unloved. So why I felt like a loner is a complete mystery to me. Scouts, really, was my only outlet, as it was easy to connect with people due to commonality of interests. Close to where I lived there was an incredible summer camp awesome is the only word I can think of.
It was there I first observed R. He was a staff member, totally charismatic, totally capable, and known by everyone. After a couple of years, I had the opportunity to join the staffwhere he was now the program director. That summer was the best. I couldnt believe that I could actually be part of this teamI wanted it more than almost anything. What was even cooler was that R had taken me under his wing a little. He got to know me, and talked with me he made me feel special. I didnt just know him, but I could call myself a friend of his. What more could a low self-esteem boy who never felt like he fit in ever ask for? It was great. I wanted it to never end. I would work here as many summers as I possibly could. I FINALLY belonged to something.
In the off-season, there were often work weekends where staff and other volunteers would go to camp to work on construction projects, maintenance, or other things. Now as a staffer, and newly 16 with a drivers license, I had the ability to participate sheer excitement to more fully participate in my new in-crowd.
*****TRIGGER ALERT SECTION START******
It was at one of those weekends, I believe in the spring of my junior year of high-school (16 years old) that my personal hell started. The night began like any other, lots of people crashing in one of the lodge buildings. This time a bunch were laid out on the floor of the main room, to include me. R was right next to meno big deal. At some point in the night, I woke up and froze. Someone was touching me and it felt good. In fact, it felt greatvery arousing. Even through the fabric of my underwear, no one had ever touched me like that. Then I heard him whisper shh and his hand slid under my waistband and I was even more aroused. I will forever remember his smell, a little like coffee and cigarettes and sweat, the feel of the whiskers on my face, his breathing. I was so incredibly aroused I must be enjoying itit feels awesome, I thought. just be quiet he said as he slipped off his t-shirtand then brought me to climax keeping the mess in his shirtand totally in secret. How this happened without anyone else hearing I have no idea but it did. People snoring in the background. My 23 year old friend just brought things to a new level. Male intimacy would forever be problematic, because my mind now thought this was normal or to be expected.
the next day, there was nothing said. Nothing. Period. I was so confused. I knew it was wrong, but it felt great. If I said anything, my future working at the place I loved would clearly be in jeopardy. Who would ever believe me? He was the idol of so many.
Then he was gone for a year. I kept my horrible secret to myself it was too much for anyone to know that I thought I must be gay. Girlfriends were challenging. Keeping up appearances was hard - I was always hyper-alert to what anyone might have heard or might think. Looking back, I was miserable (although I didnt know it at the time).
Then he came backand re-established his power and dominance over me. It happened again. But this time it was in full daylight when everyone else happened to be out of the lodge. Again it was just him making me feel great. His clothes never came off. It was terrifying standing there with my pants around my ankles and him mbating me what if someone came in? (It felt great, though). No talking, just action. The risk must have been exhilarating for him the bastard just the fact that he had this power over me that he could use when he wanted. 90 percent of the time, we were just friends, but then there were these 2 episodes where his needs were more important than me.
Miserable life as a high-schooler continued. And then I went to college. Nearby. He was still there. We hung out still. Something wasnt the same, though, and I thought maybe I wasnt doing enough, so one night things started getting frisky again, and I decided I would reciprocate. I actually handled him as wellnow I was complicit. It was awkward, I hated it, but still this must make me gay. Not long after, he completely broke contact, and I was so ashamed convinced that I just wasnt good enough. It must have been me.
****TRIGGER ALERT SECTION END*******
The tricky part in my life was that I was on ROTC scholarship, and all of this would have ended it. Secrets kept. Every time I made a new friend, this demon of a secret whispered to me that I needed to be ready to give everything to this friendship, and so I was constantly ready to make a connection in the physical way not recognizing that this was not normal or desired or asked for or expected. Once on a roadtrip with a lot of alcohol, I got naked in bed with a friend from ROTC lets just say I spent time trying to convince the navy that I wasnt gay, just drunk. I dont even remember if anything inappropriate happened other than that dude being totally uncomfortable. Miserable. Fake. Charlatan. This was my life.
For almost 20 years of my career - flying off of aircraft carriers, time in combat, the whole bit I lived what I thought to be a lie. I was a phony. If only they knew Thats what I thought. I was codependent in almost all of my guy friendships. Nothing ever happened, but I was ready for it to to the point that I felt rejected when nothing did. You can only imagine how fake it felt to live in the top gun type of world, knowing that for some reason you were ready (if needed) to get physical with ANY of your friends. I was confused and miserable. I dated, but never for long, and never successfully until 14 years ago. She was awesome, I almost lost her. I was afraid of what I thought I was the lie I was living and the secret I was keeping.
Ive been happily married for 12 years. So I guess Im not gay, even though I tried to convince myself that I might be. One of my habits, though, was to relive my abuse by looking at gay porn occasionally online. Id drift there with a wandering mind. Find a few pictures of 20 something guys enjoying each other, convince myself that I had enjoyed it too. Afterwards Id feel horrible, and self-loathing and self-hatred would start again. Its been a miserable cycle.
My wife found out about the porn (she already knew about the CSA), and confronted me. I responded with a panic attack (fearful of losing her and everything else) and a trip back down the familiar dark road to depression. I struggle daily to keep the faith.
Im now in therapy with a great psychologist specializing in PTSD and CSA. Were unpacking a lot. This onion peeling is exhausting, and some days certainly feel like the worst is yet to come. Im still terrified, but learning to place anger where it belongs on him and not on me.
Hes been called out. Hes been in the news in the northwest civil suit from several others since its been too long for criminal (grr.). Turns out I wasnt the only one. I wasnt special to him, just one of several. I just fulfilled a need. In the process, he crossed wires in my head about what was appropriate and what was not. My physical boundaries were non-existant.
Hi, Im Dan, and I was sexually abused as a teenager. It was not my fault, and I didnt ask for it.
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