23 and Me (triggers)

23 and Me (triggers)

AlexBoyd

Registrant
First of all, I apologize for the length of this poem. It's my first attempt to write about this event. I've never tried to make sense of it for many reasons, but I'm afraid the time has come for me to start the effort.

23 and Me

I couldn’t see the forest for the trees,
But he saw me on the trail,
And I saw him, a trucker walking his dog.
He was what I needed,
Here at this place where men went
To satisfy ghosts we don’t mention.
I was 23 and not a year had passed
During the previous 17 without sex.
Be a scorekeeper. Be a judge.
I was insatiable. I was stupid. I was...am.

He liked me, the sign was there,
Which instantly made me need him.
He suggested we solidify our
Acquaintance in the cab
Of his truck with 18 wheels.
He opened the door and held it for me,
Like a gentleman. A dog lover,
And a gentleman.

It started simply enough,
Calm even, for lurid stranger relations,
But then he wanted to see it,
Just bend over and let me look,
He whispered.
Now on all fours.
Like lightning, I found myself pinned
In the bed chamber, like a coffin,
With him thrusting inside.
It was unnatural for me to say, but I tried:

No.
Stop.
Wait.

Even making deals to do other acts,
My hands failing to stop the piston,
What I remember the most:

He laughed!

Saying he would finish what I had started,
Snarling the familiar filth from my boyhood,
Until his grunting ended.

In the exact moment he pulled out,
He simply said, “Now get out.”
As I pulled on clothes,
I remember so vividly
The dog, now curled
In a ball on the floor,
Moving his eyes
Up to me, giving that
Look of resignation,
That look of pity
Only dogs can give.

In the filthy restroom nearby,
Swarming with men,
I sat, trying to eliminate
A gentleman’s DNA
And pull myself together,
As several sets of eyes
Spied through cracks in the stall,
Hoping to find what they needed.
 
I desperately need sleep so I can't give your work the attention it deserves. I promise to come back to it, rested, tomorrow morning.
 
Dear Alex,
In this past week I have witnessed from you boldness, which impressed me greatly, humor, which made me laugh (thank you again for that!) and now outright bravery! That’s a helluva week my friend! This poem is possibly the bravest , most courageous writing I have seen in quite some time. Most of all, my heart breaks for that extremely young adult (I understand, just not as brave as you to talk about) who was raped and abused. Your poem, your story is written concisely and takes the reader into your horror, shame, guilt and pain. I hope, deeply hope, writing this is another beginning for you, that you are proud of releasing this horror, that speaking it out here allows your mind some space that was taken up by these terrible memories and painful knowledge. You are kicking it Alex! That’s how I see it. Congratulations, truly feel the pride that I have for your courage. It’s commendable and I desire some of what you have. (Also, remember I am the one who has regretted deleting my posts, my story, so don’t even think about doing that to this incredibly brave post) Great job my friend.
 
Phew, powerfully painful poem AlexBoyd. I deeply respect you and your decision to write and share this part of your journey to a full recovery. Finding our way out of the wilderness is both difficult and confusing. It is not unique to find one's self on a dead-in, dark road, wondering how the hell did I get here.

I’m proud to be considered, by you, a friend and look forward to a mutually supportive relationship.
 
This was very courageous to write, Alex. The words you wrote made me furious at this man. And in between the lines, and the silence I read the desperation of the 23-year old you.
 
@Rick K Yes, it has been a rollercoaster of a week for me with poetry exploration. I have not been working for several days and I guess that's what happens when I have too much time to think about this stuff. Thanks for your support and encouragement.
 
The poem is hard to read not because I don't want to read it, but because I don't want this ever to happen to anyone. And it makes my heart heavy to know you have been through this. And you depicted this exact small details that makes us see the picture very clear. It is indeed very brave poem, probably the bravest one I have read lately. Thank you for confiding it with us and I hope you will be able to find within us the support you need.
 
I read this,
I have been this,
Seeking the control of being able to choose,
To lead and not be led.
Just to end up the same,
The victim with no power again and again.

I stand with you,
sharing your needs for power
To reframe what has no frame
No logic and gain,
Sharing your pain,
and know I will be there again and again.

Thank you for sharing your words my friend, as you can tell I don’t do poetry but I do empathy and shared experiences.
 
Alex,

You are the Superman of Imagery. The sense of calm, foreboding and inevitability describing the lamb led to slaughter is beyond disturbing.

I watched it happening but could not stop you. The warning stuck in my throat. As he held open the door, I was there with you, again reliving something so many of us wish to forget.

Amazingly, you had the strength to write it . . . the will to purge it . . . and the strength to trust us. You, my friend, are a Superhero.

Henry
 
Finding our way out of the wilderness is both difficult and confusing. It is not unique to find one's self on a dead-in, dark road, wondering how the hell did I get here.
Yes, that's a good way of putting it. I fear that I've started down a dark and muddy road and my car will get stuck. I'm thankful to have friends here who are willing to help me push the car out of the mud.
 
And in between the lines, and the silence I read the desperation of the 23-year old you.
Thanks @Darren White for pointing that out. As I went back and re-read it, I realized I was needlessly adding empty lines where I had trouble writing. Maybe those spaces are not so blank.
 
Thanks @Iv0_An. I would not have even considered posting this poem in here if it were not for the supportive group that's been building in this forum recently. Honestly, I was feeling lost at the site until this new brotherhood I have discovered in the poetry forum.
 
I read this,
I have been this,
Seeking the control of being able to choose,
To lead and not be led.
Just to end up the same,
The victim with no power again and again.

I stand with you,
sharing your needs for power
To reframe what has no frame
No logic and gain,
Sharing your pain,
and know I will be there again and again.

Thank you for sharing your words my friend, as you can tell I don’t do poetry but I do empathy and shared experiences.
@JethroTull it was my hope that someone would be able to relate and, in that sense, I'm glad you were able to find a shared voice in my poem. And thank you for sharing your words--if what you wrote is not poetry, then I don't know how to recognize poetry. "To reframe what has no frame"...a brilliant way to state it!
 
@HenryD thanks for the incredible compliment. Personally, I think we are a site of Supermen. Everyone of us faces challenges. Simply getting out of bed and facing a new day can be a task that requires the strength and powers of a superhero. Many people in the world are lucky to take things for granted that require remarkable energy from us. What's a normal daily activity for some, can be like kryptonite for us. Thanks for reading my poem and going along with me on that unfortunate day.
 
I fear that I've started down a dark and muddy road and my car will get stuck. I'm thankful to have friends here who are willing to help me push the car out of the mud.
No mud…..No lotus.
That’s what my grandmother taught me. You’re dealing with your “mud” Alex, in doing so you will find your lotus. Keep up the difficult journey, you are not alone.

Thank you Darren for the instruction on how to quote!
 
@Rick K that's a beautiful way to look at a muddy situation.
 
That’s what my grandmother taught me. You’re dealing with your “mud” Alex, in doing so you will find your lotus.
Rick K, sounds as if your grandmother is a wise women. I love the saying and will carry it with me in moments of darkness.
 
You’re dealing with your “mud” Alex, in doing so you will find your lotus.
@Rick K
I find this incredibly beautiful and inspiring. Would you allow me to use it in a poem someday?
 
Your grandmother was taught by the best. These are the words of the wonderful Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen Buddhist spiritual leader, who said, "No mud, no lotus." Without suffering through the mud, you cannot find the happiness of the lotus. Without grit, there is no pearl. I have read a few of his books. They are beautiful.
 
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