General Thoughts to Share 23:32 pm - just to remember myself

[raffa_will_fight]

There are not many. But I realise I have some amazing people in my self. Everyone with their personal story, different background, some with different ethnic background.
But listening, sharing and not judging has us be close for 30 years now. That’s pretty cool.

It’s kind of funny I thought about one of the rules on MS (no writing or commenting under the influence of drugs/alcohol) when I started to share very little parts of why I was how I was during the last year. And why I will be like that for quite some time.
But (I hope I say nothing wrong or not permitted), some “stuff” opens up that part that I can’t open in therapy. My T told me about the studies done on microdosing of certain chemicals, and that could be an answer to those very stubborn brains that just can’t let go.


Anyway. I am lucky. They’re not many, but they are genuine. They hear me, try to understand me. And I know their concern is real, and their advices are given with their heart.
It’s just that their advices are impossible for me to follow. I am different, my way to process is different. “Just clean the kitchen once a week”, but it’s hard to explain the difference between being lazy and not being able to get from A to Z like them.

But it’s fine. They try to understand and to hear what I say. And I guess I am getting good at pondering who can handle how much.

Still feels weird to know some people irl know something happened. And after seeing some reactions I don’t even know if I would ever disclose any detail. I fear they would see me differently.

To those who disclose their abuse to people in your life: did you feel like their view on you changed? That they started to treat you differently or kind of hold back on jokes or things they normally usually said?

 

[broncosfann1979]

I was promptly shut down and so never brought it back up. To help one of the abuser's girfriends, I let her know about some of it. Her response was simply shocking. She shrugged it off and said, "He has needs". I had to leave and that is the most I spoke of it until coming on here.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I was promptly shut down and so never brought it back up. To help one of the abuser's girfriends, I let her know about some of it. Her response was simply shocking. She shrugged it off and said, "He has needs". I had to leave and that is the most I spoke of it until coming on here.

I am so sorry bronco… but I get you.
After the third abuse, the rape, I tried to tell a friend. “This is what you get for drinking and dressing like this”.
Terrible. Like is terrible also her view of herself. Some behaviours I just don’t get

Makes me happy though to know you have this place now to let everything out. You are heard and seen here. And there are a lot of awesome people taking some of that weight off your shoulders.

 

[broncosfann1979]

I am so sorry bronco… but I get you.
After the third abuse, the rape, I tried to tell a friend. “This is what you get for drinking and dressing like this”.
Terrible. Like is terrible also her view of herself. Some behaviours I just don’t get

Makes me happy though to know you have this place now to let everything out. You are heard and seen here. And there are a lot of awesome people taking some of that weight off your shoulders.

I sometimes wonder if broken people simply lose the resolve to get upset about this. Its like asking someone with a broken leg to start running. Having the appropriate response opens their wounds and that is too much. I know that I was none too pleasant to some during those darkest of years (ages 9 to 16). I could have helped them but was too angry / too depressed to care about them.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I sometimes wonder if broken people simply lose the resolve to get upset about this.

I apologise but I don’t understand “lose the resolve to get upset”. Resolve as in…?

Its like asking someone with a broken leg to start running. Having the appropriate response opens their wounds and that is too much.

You had me out my hand on my heart while reading this short and simple but sooo deep explanation of what all those “have you tried to…?” “You just have to let go” “it’s already a year you are like this, time to be your old self again”.

My first thought each time is “oh really? I never thought IN 45 YEARS to just let go”
Sure, my brain hid everything creating this weird fake adult persona, and now slowly shares with me the memories of what made me this weird.

But I get that this is hard to get when all you know about CSA is what you sometimes read on the newspaper. I really get it. I am blessed being able to say that those few I have in my life are really trying to listen and understand. At least the little “indications” I let out. Like “Something happened when I was a child”.
And I became aware of a physical behaviour that is automatic and happens every time I share a frame of what happened to someone irl. Like I don’t want to be responsible for their reactions at what is mine to deal with. (Does that make sense?)

 

[broncosfann1979]

I apologise but I don’t understand “lose the resolve to get upset”. Resolve as in…?


You had me out my hand on my heart while reading this short and simple but sooo deep explanation of what all those “have you tried to…?” “You just have to let go” “it’s already a year you are like this, time to be your old self again”.

My first thought each time is “oh really? I never thought IN 45 YEARS to just let go”
Sure, my brain hid everything creating this weird fake adult persona, and now slowly shares with me the memories of what made me this weird.

But I get that this is hard to get when all you know about CSA is what you sometimes read on the newspaper. I really get it. I am blessed being able to say that those few I have in my life are really trying to listen and understand. At least the little “indications” I let out. Like “Something happened when I was a child”.
And I became aware of a physical behaviour that is automatic and happens every time I share a frame of what happened to someone irl. Like I don’t want to be responsible for their reactions at what is mine to deal with. (Does that make sense?)

I can respond with something more detailed and profound on monday. Sometimes I try to be too succinct (short and to the point). That comes from the abuse. did not want anybody to ever find out so I learned to keep conversations very condensed. If I talk too much about myself, it will come out.

Yes, you do make sense. You are far braver than I. My wife and kids know nothing about this.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

succinct

I am going to use this as often as possible I LOVE rarely used words, which do though condense 3 words into one.

I can respond with something more detailed and profound on monday. Sometimes I try to be too succinct (short and to the point). That comes from the abuse. did not want anybody to ever find out so I learned to keep conversations very condensed. If I talk too much about myself, it will come out.

Absolutely understandable. I feel you.
Answer or comment however it feels right for yourself.
I sometimes just forget where my comment started and let the thoughts just get out. Sometimes I see something and get more aware of how I process things.

I am not used to share about me or to feel allowed to speak of how my day was, or what had happened. I am trying to look into this to find an acceptable answer.
And here I feel safe and seen, but that gets me sometimes too excited and I can’t stop.

You do you, is what an old friend used to tell me.

And I so can relate to you not telling your family. I have absolutely no need to, and I will do everything to keep it that way. They will never even come close to have to take on any of this weight.

 

[savage_sid]

I’ve told a few people.
I have disclosed very few details, if any.

My wife was the first person I ever told about the abuse. I initially thought she was supportive and finally felt safe to open up, however she has used that as a lever, expressing to me that she blames my not disclosing to her on the failure of our relationship. Our divorce will be final in the next week or so.

My T was the next person I disclosed to. Then I found MS and it was incredibly validating.

I later told my sister - she was angry for me, it made me feel very loved.

I told my brother, he was somewhat distant about it, but listened, didn’t judge.

I got the same reaction from one of my kids.

The other two of my kids were supportive, each in their own way. Very caring and empathic.

Each individual is an individual - they will react in their own way.

I’ve also disclosed to a couple close friends.

In pretty much every case (but the first) disclosure has deepened the relationship, but has not defined it. I am glad I told those that I did. I take the approach that this is part of who I am, and if you cannot handle that, it is your problem and not mine. I’m working on healing myself and I have no time for those who cannot accept me for who I was, am, and am becoming.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I am glad I told those that I did. I take the approach that this is part of who I am, and if you cannot handle that, it is your problem and not mine. I’m working on healing myself and I have no time for those who cannot accept me for who I was, am, and am becoming.

Thank you for sharing. And I admire your strength.
“first me!”
And it would be the advice I’d give to a friend.
In my case, just starting to put everything together, I need to do part of this on my own (which I am not, I am here).
My parents are almost 80. And my sister is already managing more than she should have to. Her health is extremely tight to her metal health.

Your are right: how you react is not my problem.
But it is. Because I know how I react to their reactions. Parents will suffer when they know what their child has been through, even more when they start asking themselves why I had the impression I couldn’t say anything. Every time was with my uncle, the time with the teens. And the rape.

But I am making little steps. And for those my lifelong friends are the perfect shoulder to lean on irl.

 

[broncosfann1979]

I am going to use this as often as possible I LOVE rarely used words, which do though condense 3 words into one.


Absolutely understandable. I feel you.
Answer or comment however it feels right for yourself.
I sometimes just forget where my comment started and let the thoughts just get out. Sometimes I see something and get more aware of how I process things.

I am not used to share about me or to feel allowed to speak of how my day was, or what had happened. I am trying to look into this to find an acceptable answer.
And here I feel safe and seen, but that gets me sometimes too excited and I can’t stop.

You do you, is what an old friend used to tell me.

And I so can relate to you not telling your family. I have absolutely no need to, and I will do everything to keep it that way. They will never even come close to have to take on any of this weight.

Not to get too wordy but here goes.


A broken person can be many things. Unmotivated, unorganized, lethargic, etc. Something traumatic has permanently altered their trajectory. Something has stopped their proverbial train from going forward. Forward is where you experience life and grow from it. A lot of folks that I have met do not want to hear more terrible stories. My unscientific theory is that they feel as if I am rubbing salt in their open wounds. Or they are just numb. They know it is happening to someone else but they never healed and so lack the necessary strength of spirt to combat it. A little piece of their emotional constitution died during their own trauma and never came back.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

And this everyone handles in a different and personal way. Some need peace and silence, maybe some simple right words to take the next step.
And others get all exited about being here, finally letting go, finally reading “I know what you go through”. Seeing others understand.
And that can make some (me) go often over the line, be it under a post or in DMs. Not really used to be part of something other than my close friends and family. But this one part I can share only here. And that feels… new