2 words that sum up the core of my life for the first 50 years of it


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I think all kids want there parents love, approval and pride no matter the situation. I had that form my mom and maybe my dad at times yet what i reliable now what i really wanted or needed was there help. The older i became and them more i needed it the less proud I believe they became of me. I also pushed them away and i still do to this day with my mom. Now i dont want to hear or say she is proud of me. I wonder if it is wired in to us that we need that approval or validation from our parents. It sure seems to be a continuous struggle to some degree for me.

The thing though you should know though is there are many others that see you as the great person. Yeah i may not know you personally or know anything more about you than what is shared here but i do admire you and see you as a person who helps others. I know it is not the same as the the pride a child wants from family but i think we have to realize we have family outside of blood and that is just as Important.
The most loving moment that I have in memory is from the day I graduated boot camp from the Navy -The look in her eyes that day was very different from what I was used to seeing - it was a look of love - even a couple of tears - and my mother hugged me long and hard after the ceremony was done (my mother was never a hugger) - my mother was actually proud of me - something I was very unused to - I felt on top of the world that 1 day
My Mom Was sexuallized by her father as a little girl and us kids got the broken little girl We called Mom so I relate to your share she loved us with all she had even though it was through the distorted lenses and brokeness she had inside .she had no real abillity to protect her kids against these things her power was stripped away . But She tried I suppose had she had more resources or took advantage of what was out there maybe it all would of went differantly . alot was not talked about back in our days and hers . and the silence abuse instills in the abused doesn't help either .


My reaction as I read this thread is one of empathy for what you have been through but also shame at myself for even thinking that what I went through was abuse. The shame I have felt all of my life for participating and going along with my sexualization made me try to become invisable as I hid in fear of being discovered.
If an adult initiated or brought you into sexual awareness or touched you to create stimulation its Abuse whether you cooperated or not
does not matter .

One of the ways I find a healthy way to mature my perspective on the childhood abuse is ............
to gain a true healthy outlook for myself and compassion and even anger and rage ...
I will Give you an example When i was about 6 or 7 I had an uncle Frank who was my moms eldest
brother . My family and I were moving from Iowa to Sacramento .
I never met him before and Mom wanted to stop by his place on our way through .
they lived a Trailor park which had a pool .
I was not yet comfortable nor did i know how to swim at this point in my youth . ( held onto side or stayed in shallow )
(Old enough to know I could die through drowning )

I was lying on the side of the pool drying in the Sun on the warm walkway .
this adult alcoholic who i never met before nor did i know ...Who was suppose to be one of my protectors as a family member
walked up to me and asked why i wasn't in the pool .......
being truthful I replied Cause I don't know how to swim .
He said there's only one way to learn .
he than pick me up over his shoulders ignoring my begging and pleading .to please don't throw me in ...
Threw my in the deep end of the pool .

Now as I kicked and thrashed to not drown i sank to the bottom as i panicked during this unsolicited
swimming lesson as he put it .
my eldest brother frank who was apparently named after this man jumped in and pulled me up
as did my uncle after my brother had already rescued me .
I did not learn to swim that day .....
but i did learn to Panick and rely on others to rescue me . and i couldnt trust adult family members .

Today ..i look at my sons or daughters or nieces and nephews at the same age i was and ask myself and visualize me
or anyone else picking one of them up and doing the same to them and i see how destructive that would be to them
its not my place to teach them and they look to me for protection and love me .than i visualize it happening to them
how would i feel if i was witnessing the same HOW WOULD I FEEL FOR THEM ?

you see as a little boy i had no abillity to give myself what i needed but i must modify those distortions or they
live in me unresolved poisoning my life today ....as i resent that MF...