2 weeks - trigger?

[justtired]

It has been 2 weeks of therapy and since I told my wife about my abuse.

Of course, the 2 weeks have been hard. I feel like she is looking at me differently. Like she is ashamed of me.

I had a dream last night, that I was in the middle of the abuse and my grandfather was standing over me telling me he was going to make me pay for telling about what happened. Of course, when I woke up I was, "excited".....I thought, well there you go, it is your fault and you liked it.

I just can't get over the fact that I would get excited. It is so frustrating.

 

[Paul1959]

It's not your fault. I suppose none of us can hear that too many times. Sure your body reacted the way it was supposed to. It doesn't mean that it wasn't a crime and you wanted it to happen. You were a little kid, and that little kid is still inside you needing you to protect him. Don't blame him - love him. Your wife is probably worried about you and concerned - not ashamed. Keep posting. It helps you work it out even as you post. It also reminds us that we are not alone. thanks
Paul

 

[roadrunner]

JT,

Of course, when I woke up I was, "excited".....I thought, well there you go, it is your fault and you liked it.

We are all sexual beings and will respond to sexual stimulation. In that dream you are reliving how you felt when you were a boy, and a boy's body will react even if he doesn't want and doesn't understand what is happening to him. When the abuser sees that happen he will crow that mantra about how "you liked it".

I got that a lot and it tore me to pieces - I felt so guilty and worthless. But then it was one of the first myths I dumped as an adult. Want to know why I remember that? It happened here.

On your wife, I bet the problem here is that you two aren't communicating about what you told her. She may be hesitant to raise her questions and fears, not wishing to offend or hurt you, and you seem to be fearful of talking to her, perhaps being apprehensive about what you will hear?

My experience is that it's so important to have an open line of communication with my wife. At first I got some questions I considered to be very awkward and difficult ("so do you think you might be gay now?"), but hey, it's on her mind and how is she to know unless she asks? If there's no communication, if the abuse is somehow a forbidden topic, then it becomes the elephant in the room and will interfere with all sorts of other things. You are probably seeing this already.

You need support and validation, JT. I would suggest you look for it first from her, if you can.

Much love,
Larry

 

[justtired]

Thanks. I had the same dream last night, same response...but when it happened I told myself, This is his doing, not yours! I said it over and over, and it helped.

Your support is needed so much, and I appreciate it.

I just am glad that you are so open to share, it helps!

 

[Leosha]

Your body responds to adrenalin in different ways. The dream, it was one of fear and stress, and it released the 'adrenalin rush'. Your body responded. It is something natural, and means nothing about your 'wants' or 'shame'.

The first part of this, the first times of dealing with all this and starting therapy, it is going to be hard. Just go easy on yourself, an know that all will pass.

Good luck.

Leosha