2 survivors in a relationship?

2 survivors in a relationship?

ndanon

New Registrant
I met a guy who I connected with on all levels, only to find out he was molested as a child by his step-mother.

Shocked as I was for him to trust me enough to tell me this, I too was molested as a child by my brother (one incident) and a recurring incident by my step fathers best friends daughter.

could this relationship actually work being that we both are victims of abuse and we understand each others trauma?
 
Yes of course. Any relationship can work - many require more work at keeping the lines of communication open than others do, but it is worth remembering that we all have baggage that we spend a lifetime dealing with.
If you are in the position where you are already talking about some of this difficult stuff then there is not a reason in the world to back off from what could be a wonderful and long lasing relationship.
Sure there are times when it will be difficult - a bit like porcupines making love.
I was best man at a wedding a few weeks ago where both the bride and groom were sexually abused as kids. Sometimes it is embarassing when you see their sparks fly - that was up until the wedding.
I know that they are still in the honeymoon period but it is great to see them settle down secure in the knowledge that the other knows and accepts the fact that they are both "damaged goods".
I would say "listen to your heart" forge the relationship despite the history and not because of it. Don't let it be the thing that defines you as a couple. Survival of the abuse as a couple is a rare commodity; you, we, I, need every encouragement that we can find to better enable us to persist in making these relationships last and last, knowing that the acute phase of recovery is always going to be difficult. But then if you have both done that then my view is that it is easier to deal with situations when the cards are all face up on the table.

Endure and Prevail

ADen
 
Thank you ADen, that helped greatly. I was curious as I been in several failing relationships where my trauma effected it because the other party could not understand my withdrawal and behavior. But with another survivor we both understand and accept each others "damaged goods"
I think in this circumstance I feel more connected being that we both relate to one another.

-Is it common for a trauma survivor to connect better with another survivor?
 
In my experience whenever survivors get together (regardless of their sex) there is a form of harmonic resonance that enable each to identify with the feelings of the other even when the abuse experience is quite different.

There is also some subliminal vibes that seem to be given out when selecting our partners in that we often later find that there have been childhood traumas - not necessarily sexual - that cause similar adult effects.

My closest friends now, are pretty much all male adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. this does not mean that all we do is complain about how bad a life-hand we have been dealt. We go to each others barbeques, go camping together, fix each others fences, visit each other in hospital, go to the police, court, weddings, funerals etc etc.

We are doing our recovery in an informal community of a band of brothers. Our wives and partners have met - occasionally meeting up without the men and our kids know these folk as well. Others kids go bowling and to the cinema together.

It is OK to do "normal" with other survivors. It makes it all the easier to pick up the phone at 2 in the morning to tell someone that understands that I have just had another night terror, or that someone has woken up and at long last remembered the name of one of the perpetrators, or just to talk when we can't sleep.

We have learnt the lesson taught by Mike Lew in his book "Victims No Longer" that because what happened to us as children happened in isolation and secrecy our recovery is BEST effected in opennes and community.

I hope that as you look around the pages of this website you will be encouraged to find local people that you can meet with and have a coffee.

Our experience is that remarkably little time is spent reliving the episodes of abuse - in fact this most happens one on one in private where it is easier to create a safe place to revisit those lavatorial experiences.

We spend far more time talking about how we are being affected today; how we have found ways of taking charge of the internal negative thought processes and choosing to look for the opportunities.

And far more importantly, we remember to have fun; to remind each other to breathe; to ensure that we live beyond the boundaries previously set by the effects of the abuse.

Well ndanon, it is time for me to get to bed; its almost midnight here in Australia and I am due up for work in about 6 hours.

ADen
 
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