2 CSA Survivors find each other

[medicb4]

I just found this site from Sweden (reason why below).

My wife and I are CSA survivors. I was "aware" but she has just barely become aware the last year. She has gone far enough in her own process since Easter (explosively) to break contact with her multiple perpetrator family. She went through a HUGE depression (including risk for self harm) but has now come through the minefield. This minefield has included the fact that for the 5 years we have been married (6 together) she has never once been "there" when we have had sex. I knew getting started that she had problems with sexual intimacy, but this threw me for a loop.

I know logically that her behaviour (Never saying no or resisting) makes it difficult for me to know that something is wrong. She says, her therapist says and all the books say that I am not a rapist, but I have had a MAJOR internal issue with this. For example I know that our son was concieved on a night when I came home from a Christmas Party ... And I know that my wife has ALWAYS had problems if there is too much alcohol on board (either of us) when we make love. So I can imagine her internally SCREAMING as I use her for my own pleasure, and then as a crowning touch she gets pregnant with a rapist - there is som guilt there too, you might say. I guess in the great picture it doesn't matter since my son is the joy of my life (and his sister - and she was mommy telling me to come to bed), and his mother says all is OK-But my brain is in knots.

About Me:
I was victimized biweekly by my mother for 1 year (starting the day she separated from my father) and that culminated in her killing herself. I have always known of and acknowledged the issue, but had not revealed "my dirty little secret" to my brothers and father.

The Psychological help I got was focused on the death of my mother - I either never got asked about or repressed the fact of my SA. FWIW I don't think the system failed me, but I wonder if there is any way to avoid the same happening again to someone else.

Anyways, The biggest reason for my now reworking the past is that there have been some new percolation in conjunction with therapy sessions with my wife's therapist (I have to find a therapist of my own now) about physical violence and other sexual experiences.

Another change was that I informed my father and brothers. Went very well, and a huge weight was lifted.

I was looking for Swedish sites, but my wife found them all already and has asked me to not read the 2 best ones since she is there. Even the public parts are not really intended for my eyes so since I know her handle and life history it won't be good for either of us to look there.

 

[Curtis St. John]

Welcome aboard, make yourself at home friend.

 

[dwf]

Hello medicb4,

Your story is told in such a quiet, matter of fact voice that it makes the tragedy of what occurred in your life even more poignant.

My heart goes out to you. How can it be that those who are supposed to be our protectors can end up ravaging us themselves?

Of course, the answer to that question is not nearly as important as , what do we, as survivors, do now that the damage has been done?

The history of you and your wife is quite amazing. You are both true examples of the resilience of the human spirit.

I am so sorry for all that you have had to suffer. Still I am glad that you have found this site.

Male Survivor is a safe and effective place for men to heal from the effects of sexual abuse.

I have found a lot of hope and strength here.

I wish the same for you.

At the top of each forum you will see the names of the moderator staff. We are here to help you in any way we can. Please let me or another moderator know if you have questions or concerns.

It is possible to recover from the effects of sexual abuse. I know because it is happening to me.

Much of the good that has come into my life during this time of healing has had its origin in this place - Male Survivor.

We are glad you are here. Please feel free to read and post as you wish.

Once again, welcome.

Regards,

 

[VN]

I should not speak so in this morning, with use of a computer to transfer(translate), it does(makes) for much more difficult to read. I most of all regret from this. I wished to tell greetings and welcome in you here. I think, that I understand most of all, that you speak concerning your history, and I am most pleased, that you and your spouse (spouse) have such respect (attitude(relation)) to each other, and to support another. I begin this process only, but I feel sometimes, that my girlfriend wishes, that it has been already finished. I do not know what to tell to it(her) about, when which happen. I very much regret about loss of your mother in which she(it) stops to be your mother, and also its(her) death. The majority of sexual abusing to me was my mother also. It does(makes) for rather inconsistent emotions. I hope, that you will find, that it helps to be to you here. Thanks, and I wish you good well-being.

VN

 

[medicb4]

Thank you Danny & VN.

The matter of fact voice is one of the things I have as both a saviour and a demon. Trained in Ambulance there is a certain value in being able to be detached from the facts of a case, but it has caused several people to doubt I am sure since the expectation is for hystrionics.

My wife says I paint my mother as real madonna when I talk about her in any context other than SA. She beat me too on several occasions (OK, once was when a friend & I "stole" a boat. He anchored it offshore and the 2 guys that used it watched me drive my boat directly back to our cottage. So they came and knocked on the door dripping wet. Master Criminal I am not.) and I have a lot of clarifications for the beatings.

I have started trying to get myself into the details of my abuse. I don't know where the trip will take me but I do now that I have a huge support network and I have no compunction in using it.