1st time talking publicly
adoptedson
New Registrant
Hello. I am a survivor and ran across this site in an article in my college newspaper. I have been looking for a long time for private place to talk about my experience. I'm glad I'm here.
My story is a long one, and I'm not even sure what it is that I want to say. I guess I'm just looking for a place to unload my feelings from time to time. I'll try to keep this first post short.
When I was a child I was sexually abused by my adopted father. It didn't happen often, but it happened off and on for several years. I don't recall how old I was when it finally stopped, but I imagine it was when I was about 8 or so.
My parents have been married for 40 years, but they do not have what would be considered an emotionally close marriage. I don't remember ever seeing them display affection toward each other, and although they share a bedroom they have slept in separate beds for as long as I can remember. I have a sister who is also adopted, and as far as I know my mother was unable to have kids of her own.
The first time I ever told anybody what had happened was during a very emotional breakup with a former girlfriend about 4 1/2 years ago. What's interesting is that she saw it coming. I didn't actually tell her directly, but she had guessed it herself and asked me about it. After I admitted it to her, she told me that I needed to talk to my father about it.
The next day I called my father and told him that I needed to talk to him. I went to my parents house for dinner the next night, and after dinner I had a private conversation with my father. I told him that my girlfriend and I had just broken up, and that I had been having problems being intimate and emotionally attached with her. I told him that I thought it was because my mother and he had a marriage that was emotionally empty, and also because he had molested me when I was a child.
This was the first and only time that I had ever confronted him about it. He acknowledged it, and we talked about it for an hour or so. We also talked abuut his relationship with my Mother, and told me that he has always had "bisexual" feelings, although my gut tells me that it is more homosexual than bisexual. At the time I told him that I had forgiven him for what he did to me, but I wanted him to know that he had hurt me and how it was affecting me.
Over the next couple of weeks we had a couple of conversations about it, and he asked me if I had followed through with talking to a professional. (I had told him that I was considering doing so, but have yet not done so.) But the topic has never been raised again.
I think for me just the act of telling another person, and then confronting my father, has been a very healing experience, but I obviously still have issues and concerns. My parents and I have never been close, so I don't talk to them often. But I feel a sense of obligation to them, especially since they are my adopted parents. I was adopted out of some very bad circumstances, and I know that I owe my life to my adopted parents. So I often feel guilty for keeping my father at arms length and not wanting to maintain a relationship with him.
To my knowledge, no one else knows about the abuse other than my father and I (and my ex). While I've often wanted to talk to my sister about it, just so she could better understand who our father is and why we have the kind of relationship we do, I've refrained from saying anything because I want to protect my father and not have this damage his relationship with my sister and her family. (My sister has two children, both girls, and during my confrontation with him, I expressed my concerns about him spending time with them. He assured me that he has never had any improper relationships with either of them and that it would never happen. Both of them are old enough now that I am sure they are safe.) I keep telling myself that once my father is dead I will tell my sister what happened. But I feel guilty again, because sometimes I find myself wishing that he would die soon, just to I could talk to my sister.
I think that if the abuse had not been sexual in nature, but rather physical abuse, I would be more willing to talk about it. I haven't been in another serious relationship since this last breakup, but I know it will eventually happen. I'm prepared to deal with it when it does, but I know it's going to be difficult because anyone I become close to will eventually have to get to know my family and my father. So I may not necessarily want to reveal the sexual abuse, but be vague about it and reveal only that my father was abusive when I was a child.
All things considered, I think I've adjusted quite well, and just the fact that I have acknowledged it and confronted my father and am now willing to talk about it gives me hope that I'm not doomed to the the same miserable, emotionally empty relationship that my parents have had.
Anyway, I guess that's it. I'm glad I've been able to write about this. It's the first time I've done anything with this in over four years. Thanks for having this site and this forum available.
adoptedson
My story is a long one, and I'm not even sure what it is that I want to say. I guess I'm just looking for a place to unload my feelings from time to time. I'll try to keep this first post short.
When I was a child I was sexually abused by my adopted father. It didn't happen often, but it happened off and on for several years. I don't recall how old I was when it finally stopped, but I imagine it was when I was about 8 or so.
My parents have been married for 40 years, but they do not have what would be considered an emotionally close marriage. I don't remember ever seeing them display affection toward each other, and although they share a bedroom they have slept in separate beds for as long as I can remember. I have a sister who is also adopted, and as far as I know my mother was unable to have kids of her own.
The first time I ever told anybody what had happened was during a very emotional breakup with a former girlfriend about 4 1/2 years ago. What's interesting is that she saw it coming. I didn't actually tell her directly, but she had guessed it herself and asked me about it. After I admitted it to her, she told me that I needed to talk to my father about it.
The next day I called my father and told him that I needed to talk to him. I went to my parents house for dinner the next night, and after dinner I had a private conversation with my father. I told him that my girlfriend and I had just broken up, and that I had been having problems being intimate and emotionally attached with her. I told him that I thought it was because my mother and he had a marriage that was emotionally empty, and also because he had molested me when I was a child.
This was the first and only time that I had ever confronted him about it. He acknowledged it, and we talked about it for an hour or so. We also talked abuut his relationship with my Mother, and told me that he has always had "bisexual" feelings, although my gut tells me that it is more homosexual than bisexual. At the time I told him that I had forgiven him for what he did to me, but I wanted him to know that he had hurt me and how it was affecting me.
Over the next couple of weeks we had a couple of conversations about it, and he asked me if I had followed through with talking to a professional. (I had told him that I was considering doing so, but have yet not done so.) But the topic has never been raised again.
I think for me just the act of telling another person, and then confronting my father, has been a very healing experience, but I obviously still have issues and concerns. My parents and I have never been close, so I don't talk to them often. But I feel a sense of obligation to them, especially since they are my adopted parents. I was adopted out of some very bad circumstances, and I know that I owe my life to my adopted parents. So I often feel guilty for keeping my father at arms length and not wanting to maintain a relationship with him.
To my knowledge, no one else knows about the abuse other than my father and I (and my ex). While I've often wanted to talk to my sister about it, just so she could better understand who our father is and why we have the kind of relationship we do, I've refrained from saying anything because I want to protect my father and not have this damage his relationship with my sister and her family. (My sister has two children, both girls, and during my confrontation with him, I expressed my concerns about him spending time with them. He assured me that he has never had any improper relationships with either of them and that it would never happen. Both of them are old enough now that I am sure they are safe.) I keep telling myself that once my father is dead I will tell my sister what happened. But I feel guilty again, because sometimes I find myself wishing that he would die soon, just to I could talk to my sister.
I think that if the abuse had not been sexual in nature, but rather physical abuse, I would be more willing to talk about it. I haven't been in another serious relationship since this last breakup, but I know it will eventually happen. I'm prepared to deal with it when it does, but I know it's going to be difficult because anyone I become close to will eventually have to get to know my family and my father. So I may not necessarily want to reveal the sexual abuse, but be vague about it and reveal only that my father was abusive when I was a child.
All things considered, I think I've adjusted quite well, and just the fact that I have acknowledged it and confronted my father and am now willing to talk about it gives me hope that I'm not doomed to the the same miserable, emotionally empty relationship that my parents have had.
Anyway, I guess that's it. I'm glad I've been able to write about this. It's the first time I've done anything with this in over four years. Thanks for having this site and this forum available.
adoptedson