1st post

my husband of nine years reveled to me that he was sexually abused as a child for a couple of years. I know the abuser. I have been with my husband for 19 years, we used to see this person long before we were married, I always thought he was a little odd. we haven't seen him in years now. My husband is at a point where he would like to talk to his parents (they learned of abuse shortly aafter me) about feelings he has had since he was a child. That they did not care enough to know that something very wrong was going on right under their noses. His father being very selfish made matters worse by belittling him and having his needs always come first. He is afraid to talk to them though in that he will yell and walk out. I say they owe him they need tio answer his questions now. maybe he will feel a little better if he gets answers and may realize that they really do love him very much. anyone have anything similar going on now or in the past?

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your husband... He's lucky to have an obviously caring person who is standing beside him.

It takes alot of strength to confront people who were supposed to have protected you as a child.... It may work out fine, I know at least one Survivor who told his parents and is closer to them than he ever was....

On the other hand, you and your husband should be prepared for no reaction, or a negative reaction from his parents... From your description of his father, I wouldn't expect a very supportive reaction to your husband's revelation.


Is your husband in therapy to deal with his past? He needs to make sure he has a good support system in place and is really ready to approach his parents...

Food for thought...

tat2bear

 

I have to agree with the other post reply that you should be prepared for a negative reaction. Parents go through sometimes the same things victims do "deniel" etc. I was abused by my brother when I was little. My Father caught my brother in the act and then after a few years he repressed everything that happened. My Mother as well. It has come out twice now and then repressed twice now of what my brother has done to my sister and I. Now they admit yeah he did abuse us but "he asked for forgiveness" so everything is "ok" and I just need to forget about it and love him etc. My point is your husband should be prepared for the worst. And if the worst happens that he just needs to go on and realize that he doesn't need his parents support to move on and be healed. With you in his life being loving and supportive is all he needs. What helps the most is I came to realize is to start loving yourself and be postive and get rid of all the negative things or people who are around me. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and even if that means distancing yourself from parents who want to shame you or not be supportive and help you through the abuse you suffered. Thats the only way I am getting through in my life. Best of luck to you and your husband.

 

This problem, just like alcoholism, or drug addiction, is about standing in the truth. Just because his parents refuse to acknowledge this, doesn't mean that it didn't happen. It did, and it did harm someone.

Getting hung up in getting them to do what is right is only going to add to the frustrations of this event. More then likely, this is not the first time these parents refused to acknowledged that they were wrong, or had not done a good job. Interestly enough, thru their denial they are continueing this pattern.

Move on. You can't change someone else, only ourselves. And here is where your power lies, they can't change the reality of the fact that it happened!

Focus your time and energies in changing the patterns of behavior that this act has caused. Fear? Lack of Trust? Whatever they are, staying in them only continues to give the abuser the power. Take it back!

God can and will heal these wounds, if first you ask.

Peace to you and your husband,

Renee