1in6 lie/agenda about orientation and abuse

[Rurai]

On this forum, you have generalised about the causes of homosexuality and said that there may be no such thing as being gay. Believe anything you like we know as survivors how to delude ourselves, but don’t expect me as a gay man to remain silent when you declare your beliefs to be facts. You have been on this site for 10 years fighting your ssa good luck with that.
Some ladies doth protest too much methinks

 

[Pollux]

Save the attacks for the outside world. Attacking other survivors for discussing sexual identity issues in terms that one doesn't like is just an attack on another survivor. There's no justification.

Attacks? I certainly wasn’t attacking anyone. Have I done anything to cause you to feel this way? If I did, then I apologize because it wasn’t intentional.

I certainly belong in this forum because I constantly waver between SSA and gay.

 

[EdfromNYC]

Attacks? I certainly wasn’t attacking anyone. Have I done anything to cause you to feel this way? If I did, then I apologize because it wasn’t intentional.

Sorry that it read that way. I didn't mean it toward you - at all. I meant it in a general way.

You've been great. As have others. The attackers who see things through a very skewed lens no longer affect me in the same way. Many aren't interested in discussing differing perspectives but some definitely are. Many seem to be looking for a place to discharge anger and angst over their own issues. They don't comprehend this is a SEXUAL IDENTITY ISSUES subforum where SEXUAL IDENTITY issues will be discussed in many ways by many different men. They seem to be unable to see men who discuss their identity issues as fellow survivors.

Again, sorry if it read that I meant this toward you. I did not.

 

[Pollux]

Thank you, I’m slowly venturing back into MS and I don’t want anyone to feel threatened by anything I might say...

 

[EdfromNYC]

The ignore user button is a great tool, fyi.

Thank you, I’m slowly venturing back into MS and I don’t want anyone to feel threatened by anything I might say...

I take breaks too. But you're not threatening in any way. People like yourself who have also openly discussed their identity issues have allowed me to have my issues without fear.

 

[NC-Survivor]

@EdfromNYC - thank you for your Authenticity in this matter. These are complicated issues in complicated times. Thank you for being true to yourself and what you believe.

 

[NC-Survivor]

said that there may be no such thing as being gay

as you have quoted it, this actually sounds like a personal opinion and theory, not a statement of fact. All should have the right to state opinion and possible theories without attack.

 

[MACH123]

I think (a dangerous beginning) that wanting the #meetoo protection of the law as a disenfranchised minority's a matter of survival for gays. If that weren't so, you could say homosexuality is normal or it's not or it's caused by CSA or it's not and nobody would care. Such is life. If I were needing to live as a gay person I'd probably feel different. Now though people on the Heteronormative side of the spectrum feel threatened in turn. Things get decided in the courts still thank goodness for law and order I hope it lasts! Certain things are so divisive they seem impossible to discuss but we continue to try.

 

[GeorgeMartin]

I thought for years that my abuse in childhood played a part regarding my sexuality and orientation. Finally I had to toss that societal BS out the window. They abused me because they wanted to. I was not attracted sexually to any of my abusers at 4-5-6-7-8-9-10 etc years of age.
My sexual orientation and sexuality is a gift, not from the abusers, but from GOD. That abuse clouds and confuses the child/adolescent young person, along with the abuser's grooming and nonsense. 'Feeling' one's position on a particular topic is not objective evidence. Science demands that we not use subjective "evidence".
There is no Homosexual Agenda. At least not for most gay people. There is no Gay Gene either. We are a manifestation born into this reality as Two Spirit People, to bring a message from God. We are meant to be here in this reality just as everyone and everything else that is. With this gift comes great responsibilities. Apparently some people refuse to listen or have an inability to do so, because their caught up in their own EGO's.
People are gay because they are. There doesn't have to be a reason or explanation for why or how or when, that they are.

Sexual abuse by same-gender offenders, whether in the home or from outside the home of a child, is on the offender. We boys to men to elders grew up in sexual trauma, but that does not MAKE us 'gay' or 'trans' etc in Indian Boarding Schools. Because there are MANY a gay person who isn't sexually abused in childhood, and are still gay. We don't choose to be gay etc. We just are. So crucify us sayeth some, because our very existence is a sin. That last part is someone's opinion based on their beliefs and perceptions. And yet we keep getting born by God's Will to heterosexual parents. What with global warming / climate change, my thoughts won't matter on this planet in 50-75 years. I will be deceased in 5-10-20 years, and so will the 7th Generation. Thankfully, the Earth will still be here in the universe. 1in6 is becoming more like 2in5.

 

[Jacob S]

abuse doesn't orient, it disorients.
It can make straight people think they are gay.
It can make gay people think they need to demonstrate straight behavior.
It messes up the journey to self discovery.
But once someone finds who they are, it's our job to believe them and congratulate them for coming that far.

 

[flying]

abuse doesn't orient, it disorients.
It can make straight people think they are gay.
It can make gay people think they need to demonstrate straight behavior.
It messes up the journey to self discovery.
But once someone finds who they are, it's our job to believe them and congratulate them for coming that far.

This I agree with, it disorients us. This is what it did to me. I've always known who I am, but the abuse made me doubt myself and and it confused everything in me to where I didn't know what was what. Today I am happier than I have been, I am not gay and I am not straight. I am me.

 

[EdfromNYC]

These last few posts are of varied experience and opinion - AS IT SHOULD BE. And I have my experience and my opinions which are always changing with more information and more growth. I see differences in the last three posts. AS IT SHOULD BE. And I don't have to agree with any one of those last three posts when talking about ME. I can feel any way, think any way or come to any conclusion that I want about me and have opinions or thoughts about others and not have to agree and I don't have to follow the current social script on how I'm supposed to discuss this or what I'm "allowed" to say. I can take something from each of the last three posts and leave something from the last three posts. AS IT SHOULD BE.

There is no dogma here and there should not be. Anonymity seems to license some people to be venomous and attack other survivors because they "feel" attacked (they aren't attacked but they "feel" like they are because someone dares have another view) and it has happened so many times on this site. It just shows that these threads are only so safe AS IT SHOULD BE and there will be as many opinions as there are men.

One aspect of maturity is being able to mentally, emotionally, spiritually, cognitively tolerate that others (especially male survivors) will have different experiences, feelings, opinions and outcomes than yourself. And if you are threatened by another who differs from you, that is on you. If you attack other survivors, that is 100% on you. If you cannot handle differences of opinion, that is on you.

 

[Pollux]

The ignore user button is a great tool, fyi.

I take breaks too. But you're not threatening in any way. People like yourself who have also openly discussed their identity issues have allowed me to have my issues without fear.

I don’t use the ignore tool. I just ‘try’ not to respond to comments that are triggering. If I do, I ‘try’ to disarm with ‘a kind word turns away wrath’. I don’t like conflict, It makes me run and isolate. But, I do read comments of others that disagree with me and that I disagree with. There is a lot to learn from others perspective.

 

[EdfromNYC]

I don’t use the ignore tool.

I do use it sparingly but the system shows me when there is ignored content on the page and I'll peruse it and see if there is any interest to me or to the conversation. I only ignore 2 users who I find are threatening. They aren't threatening to my well-being. They threaten to derail threads that they don't like and it's in my best interest to ignore them. That's what they deserve for trying to provoke or derail rather than support.

This isn't about disagreement. This is about personal attacks that do nothing to contribute to dialogue. There are very few that don't want dialogue. They want to attack and put others on the defense and they want to ensure things are discussed in terms agreeable to them. I don't engage with them since they are not honest with themselves. I can wish them peace and healing - which I genuinely do - but not engage with their attacks and diatribes. Been there, done that.

 

[Pollux]

I completely understand.

 

[flying]

I've been thinking about this discussion and I feel like there is a lot of judgement. We are all trying to heal. Sexuality is a very personal issue and each of us should be able to travel this journey at our speed.

A disclaimer, in my early twenties I was very outgoing about being bisexual. I shared my thoughts and feelings with many people. Some of them judged me very harshly, said I was a liar, in denial about being gay, not to bullshit myself, they stopped talking to me. In 2005 or so there was a study where supposedly it proved bisexuality didn't exist. This study was crap. But it still hurt to be denied an existence again.

Today I don't use a label, I am me. I am mostly sexually attracted to women. I am sometimes attracted to men sexually. But I am learning that I have other feelings for guys that aren't sexual. These feelings got confused in the abuse. I miss my male friends, and connections with men as good friends. That is what I want from guys, friendship.

Also, the abuse severely confused me as to what I was feeling and what was reality. If a friend was being nice I would automatically think they wanted something sexual from me. Feelings of connection that feel good became terrifying experiences because I couldn't separate a good emotion from sexual arousal. Even though I'm more attracted to women and always have been, I've worried I was really gay. This isn't because of my sexuality, it's from all the confusion and mixes messages I got from the abuse. I thought, well I must he bi, that will take away the confusion. Nope, shame and confusion still there. It has taken 40 years to be still and listen to myself and really feel and understand.

I don't think the abuse changed my sexuality, but it confused and shamed me in that area. I think each person's experience is unique to them.

 

[EdfromNYC]

I read all sorts of sources and I came across one today regarding an 18 year old male who was sexually assaulted by another male. In the middle of the story, a stat appeared. Here it is "A 2003 study by the Australian Centre for the Study of Sexual Assault found that 84 per cent of male sexual assault victims reported concerns about their sexuality, gender roles and/or body because of their experience. " Gee, it's almost like there needs to be a forum for men with sexual identity issues after they've been sexually assaulted so that they can sort out their issues without fear of other victims coming in to demand that they discuss things in terms agreeable to the them.

 

[Pollux]

84 per cent of male sexual assault victims reported concerns about their sexuality, gender roles and/or body because of their experience.

This is actually encouraging to me, I’m not sure why but I’m having a great deal of confusion today. I feel very stupid for having problems with gender. I really creates issues with my faith as well.

 

[EdfromNYC]

This is actually encouraging to me, I’m not sure why but I’m having a great deal of confusion today. I feel very stupid for having problems with gender. I really creates issues with my faith as well.

Sometimes things like this, so simple and clear, also give me a sense of peace and recognition that I might not feel otherwise. It "normalizes" me and reduces a sense of "no one else is going through or has gone through this".

 

[EdfromNYC]

I am mostly sexually attracted to women. I am sometimes attracted to men sexually. But I am learning that I have other feelings for guys that aren't sexual. These feelings got confused in the abuse. I miss my male friends, and connections with men as good friends. That is what I want from guys, friendship.

This is so accurate for me. My feelings for guys aren't sexual either but they were sexualized at a particularly vulnerable time where I felt disconnected from everyone and desperately needed a connection to men. Once it was sexualized, through no fault of my own, I didn't tell anyone and believed something about myself that wasn't true. But it was a secret and it came between me and ALL men and I stopped trying to have male friends because I was afraid that either it would become sexual (which I didn't want) or I would be rejected (because I did have rejection from males in my life prior to abuse and post abuse I had a huge secret that would have caused a different kind of rejection - "if they only knew what I did"). Sex with my own gender was something that I did but it had all of the hallmarks of repeating the abuse and nothing more.

I missed out on real male friends. I can't get that time back and I'm in the process of accepting that but I am also accepting that I can make male friends now and I don't have to lead with the fact that I'm a survivor of male sexual assault. The way I think of myself is changing where I don't deny what I've gone through but I'm less inclined to let it hold me back.

I want real friendship, too. Thanks for writing about that.