13 years and then MST

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*** Triggers ***

My step-father first molested me at age 4. And I still remember it vividly. Including the tub with the red water my mother put me in because I was bleeding so badly. He continued for another 6 years, even though I tried to tell a counselor what was happening and he didn't believe me. He kidnapped me and took me to Salt Lake City after my mother kicked him out. I will never forget the red room (all of it) in a hotel? Where he told me "All I have for you are these peanuts and my love." I remember what "love" was. I got torn in my backside and he took me to a doctor who sewed me up and turned him in. Lived with a foster family for a couple of weeks until they kicked him out of the state and sent me with him.

When we were finally taken away, after years of sexual, physical, and mental abuse, I was put in a foster home where the foster dad would watch me change while he masturbated. He would then cum on my face and stick his dick in my mouth while pulling my hair. I was then sent to a second foster home where the father raped me every night for 3 years.

Then sent to a ranch with a psychologist because I was declared insane for trying to convince people what was happening to me.

That psychologist raped me for four years until I escaped into the military.

And then I was gang-raped in the Philippines in 1976 by five guys.

And people wondered why I couldn't hold a job after I got out of the service. Why I never had friends. Why I would never leave my house except for work and grocery shopping. Never had a relationship because I had no trust in anyone.

I came here in 2004 for the first time. Right after I faced my abuse for the first time and cried for two hours on the rape crisis line and they suggested MS. That was the beginning of my recovery. But all those years took me a long time to even trust a T, much less anyone else.

Five years ago, I started having break-throughs. Continuing on, I finally found a place where I am now that I am at peace and have some contentment. I have friends now. I trust people. But I learned to set boundaries.

I will forever be grateful for this place that I found when I was so lost and so hurting. It was the beginning, but not the end. And the journey continues.
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