Has anyone found 12-step programs like SAA or SCA to be helpful in terms of sexuality, relationships, etc?
To that I can say: YES. SAA has been extremely helpful for me. I've been lucky in my group and my sponsor, and I'm grateful for that. If you're struggling with compulsive acting-out and find a good crew to talk to each week, it can be really effective. If you find that good group and want it to work, it will help you stop the compulsive stuff, figure out how to handle the consequences of all the relationship betrayal that acting out has caused, how to begin repairing those relationships, and give you a way forward that's healthy and affirmative.
In my case, I also found that the 12 steps broke down my resistance and allowed key memories of my abuse to return. I don't think that's one of the things that's "supposed" to happen, but whatever. It's been painful, but also makes me feel even more fully rooted in sobriety, which is great. My acting out was all about repetition compulsion, and I'm more than happy to have that shit out of my life. I've found that once I figured out exactly what I was trying to avoid facing and began facing it, the desire to replay what happened with the most painful feelings omitted felt a lot less compelling.
I've started attending meetings on Zoom. The main purpose was to have somewhere safe to go with my marriage and sexuality issues. But I've learned that it's also aimed at being a life-long journey, encompassing all areas, not just sexual stuff.
Zoom meetings are unfortunately weak tea, though better than nothing. One face to face meeting per week was fine for me pre-Covid, but in zoom-land I'm finding I need two. A zoom meeting's like a half-strength dose.
Re. the "life-long journey": One of the most valuable things about SAA for me has been the way in which it involves accepting that the feeling of compulsion will never entirely stop happening. It's a malignant coping strategy I've relied on for too long to ever fully be rid of. But the commitment to the group and the steps provides an excellent way both to deal with the compulsion without acting out when it inevitably returns and to forgive myself for its having returned. The two are equally important. This is, unfortunately, not something that "goes away." It's something we learn to live with in a way that doesn't hurt those we love and doesn't exploit whoever we previously acted out with (porn actors, sex workers, guys on grindr, whatever).
However, tonight I called someone from the list who said things that triggered my shame. I was able to hang up but it left me shaken.
Can anyone relate? Has anyone been helped (and/or triggered) by the people/ideas of the 12-step programs??
This has also happened to me. Lately I've been mentioning my CSA directly (of course without any triggering detail) in my SAA meetings, and I can feel the other guys get uncomfortable. There's one guy in particular who just basically ignores what I say whenever I share about it. That triggers me to some degree, because I feel concerned that he might have his own activities with underage guys to feel guilty about. At the same time, though, I remind myself that that's what the meetings are for: by being honest about what happened to me, I'm forcing him to see what he's done in his acting out, and in that way, ideally, I'm giving him a sense of the other side of the equation that will keep him from doing that crap in the future. Everyone in the group helps everyone else by being honest. The net result is less evil being radiated out into the world.
I'm sorry about your shame being triggered, also. That might be something to share about in this group, either in a thread or in a pm with somebody. My experience so far is that MS guys know from shame related to CSA, which is to say: mainlined shame, speedballed shame. So you aren't going to shock anybody, and you'll probably find more than one person here who has felt exactly the same thing.
