“Unchilding”

[JC1]

I’ve been thinking about a word that describes how this all feels at times. And this one seems to fit: “unchilding”.
When the abuse happened, it unchilded me. That’s the word I would use. One minute I was just a kid, and the next, I wasn’t. Something inside me was gone. I didn’t feel safe anymore. I didn’t even feel real. I stopped playing. I stopped trusting. It took away my freedom: the freedom to just be a child. I started carrying things no kid should ever have to carry. That’s what unchilding is- when the child in you is ripped out before you’re ready, and there’s no way to get it back. But, oh how I wish I could.

 

[nerograves]

@JC1 Sorry that happened to you man. Thanks for sharing this. That is a very accurate word. I looked it up, and it fits what a lot of us felt and been through. The dehumanization, trauma, and being forced to face adult realities at a young age changed the way we saw the world as kids. I know after I was abused as a kid, I got really into horror (games, movies, stories, themes). Prior to the the abuse, I avoided horror concepts, but around 9, I emersed myself in it and became jaded. I became uncomfortable around cameras and having my picture taken and would avoid it. My trust also stopped. I have trouble trusting people, even those I'm close to. I find my trust is either unstable or never fully there.

Looking back on my life as a kid has always felt like a broken picture. Knowing my childhood was obliterated, forcing me to grow up, made me feel empty sometimes. So, I'm with you on wishing I could get my childhood and teen years back. My abuse started at 8 but my life just skipped right to adulthood when I was 12.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I believe our CSA was quite different, but it's an accurate word to describe what happened to [perhaps most or all of] us. I know that one day in 1982 I was an innocent, naive boy...then literally the next day I was a hypersexual 11 year old sixth grader, addicted to dry orgasms. He created a sex addict out of the most naive kid in the world. I was, in fact, unchilded.

 

[Silly]

Was I unchilded or was I kidulted?

Joking aside, I totally grasp the meaning. Being super dissociative may have helped me hang on to a few bits of childhood though...idk?

 

[WeDeservedBetter]

I feel exactly what you said. I wrote a bit about this recently. I realize as a child there is a natural freedom to explore fearlessly that children have. Whatever age this fearless exploration is shown a threat to its existence, every experience from then forward is seen as a threat and something to fear. It feels like this part is fighting for its life. This is why i never felt like a kid and always felt old. This is why i always feel threatened along with whatever else is going on. All thoughts, feelings, experiences, memories, etc are filtered through this lense in some way. I believe every behavior and coping mechanism of any sort is influnced by this. This is a tough pill to swallow sometimes. This is what I've noticed inside me. I could write a hundred pages on everthing I've noticed in this. Thank you for sharing.

 

[GaD3!]

What you share makes much sense to me, although not applicable to myself. My abuse started at 18 months, I have no memory of that, but was told it happened. I do remember the abuse after that starting around age 3. In essence I never had that childhood innocence. Safety and trust? Love? I never knew those things. I hated being a child and at the mercy of adults. I was glad when I was big and strong enough to be a force to be reckoned with and I remember thinking as a teenager I would never let anyone ever hurt me again. I can still feel the flare of anger as I typed that. I have some of what should be good memories of childhood, although they are all tainted, like a dark haze over a nice painting. I always felt like I was on my own and there was no one there for me, at age 9 that was proven to me beyond a doubt. All in the past now, even though I still deal with it on a daily basis. Things could have been so much worse and I am thankful they were not.

 

[JC1]

The dehumanization, trauma, and being forced to face adult realities at a young age changed the way we saw the world as kids.

I so agree with this statement. Think it changed how we saw the world, period.

 

[JC1]

I know that one day in 1982 I was an innocent, naive boy...then literally the next day I was a hypersexual 11 year old sixth grader, addicted to dry orgasms.

Yes. So sorry. Sudden, dramatic, and so destructive!

 

[JC1]

Was I unchilded or was I kidulted?

Joking aside, I totally grasp the meaning. Being super dissociative may have helped me hang on to a few bits of childhood though...idk?

Silly, that’s another great word for it! It bothers me often that I basically have few childhood memories. Blank years that only hold memories of abuse. A few more have come back though, and I’m glad if you can hang on to the bits you have.

 

[JC1]

I have some of what should be good memories of childhood, although they are all tainted, like a dark haze over a nice painting. I always felt like I was on my own and there was no one there for me

Oh boy, i hear you on this. Tainted memories. Once the abuse started it led me to feel like i was so alone in all of it…except for him.

 

[dcwofhs90]

Once the abuse started it led me to feel like i was so alone in all of it…except for him.

I can relate to this. Living in a very small, rural farming town (no mayor or even a traffic light), none of my friends were close enough to walk or ride my bike to. Being an only child with parents who worked all the time, I was a very lonely boy. Then he came along...the rest is history...