Does anyone wonder what became of the photos an abuser took?

[bryn89]

I know there are videos out there, possibly hundreds of them, and even more screencaps from the videos. Even as I was "performing" on my webcam, people told me they'd seen clips of me shared and sold on forums. I don't know what the quality was like, but I wouldn't imagine it was very good. I only had dial-up and a £10 camera. Maybe that has novelty value these days.

 

[H3llC@t]

This is a primary reason why I’ve come back to this forum. Just this weekend I learned that photos and film of me being assaulted back in the 1970’s were sold internationally. I am assuming the worst, that the CSAM was digitized and viewable online. I was afraid of this happening but got comfortable in not knowing, so now I know and I’m turning inside out. Fortunately I have wonderful colleagues and friends with connections, and will be talking with NCMEC sometime this week. I’m not the kind of person who can just move on and not worry about it being out there. I want it found and gone.

 

[.aseity]

I am very sad to read you are going through this all over again, that it has come up in your life, I truly hope your determination paves a path towards eliminating this exploitation. It is more than I can even imagine, to go out there and find justice. This is really important work you are involved in and I can't thank you enough for sharing, that it is being pursued . Be well and safe travels, johnathan

 

[Dan99]

I try not to worry about what happened to the photos of me and my brother. One time the perp told me he had destroyed them. It was out of the blue and I always suspected he got caught with them by someone and had to. I'd be surprised if they were all gone. For a while he ran his own darkroom. It wasn't until I was an adult that I figured out why.

 

[Greybeard]

Yes, I do wonder about them. I hope they somehow got lost or destroyed over the years, but that's not really reassuring. A few years ago I did come across one on the net, taken when I was 16. By that time I was over 6 feet tall, and so in the picture it really isn't obvious that I am under 18. Even so, seeing it was a shock that froze me cold. I was suddenly transported back in time, and remembered everything about that moment, how the room smelled, the temperature, everything. It was like it was happening to me all over again at that moment.

 

[BasementBoy]

I try not to worry about what happened to the photos of me and my brother. One time the perp told me he had destroyed them. It was out of the blue and I always suspected he got caught with them by someone and had to. I'd be surprised if they were all gone. For a while he ran his own darkroom. It wasn't until I was an adult that I figured out why.

@Dan99; that takes a lot of courage to talk to someone who had done those terrible things to you. That is unimaginable. My question is, how is your perp not in jail for openly admitting something that nefarious?

The more I think about this - I'm wondering if this conversation went on while you were still being abused or as a boy where you have no one to go to. That's the. scary thing about trauma - is that as a child you have no one to talk to or open up to for fear of retribution. The older woman who traumatized myself (not in the same catagory as yours) always called me a liar and talked down to me for my slowness or inepts compared to other children my age group.

Who would believe a liar?

Warm Hugs and Positive thoughts,
Honeeecombs

 

[Dan99]

@Dan99; that takes a lot of courage to talk to someone who had done those terrible things to you. That is unimaginable. My question is, how is your perp not in jail for openly admitting something that nefarious?

The more I think about this - I'm wondering if this conversation went on while you were still being abused or as a boy where you have no one to go to. That's the. scary thing about trauma - is that as a child you have no one to talk to or open up to for fear of retribution. The older woman who traumatized myself (not in the same catagory as yours) always called me a liar and talked down to me for my slowness or inepts compared to other children my age group.

Who would believe a liar?

Warm Hugs and Positive thoughts,
Honeeecombs

Hi Honeeecombs,

You are correct that the conversation happened while I was still a child. The photos were taken when I was 6,7,8. Not later, I don't believe.

The conversation about him destroying the photos would have been when I was about 10. It was a very odd, out-of-the-blue kind of thing for the perp to say. He just one day pulled my brother and me aside and said he had destroyed them.

I don't know the details, but I suspected he had been caught. Some of the pictures he took were rather mild and perhaps could have been passed off as arty. Others were explicit porn. In my imagining, he might have been caught with some of the milder ones by someone in his family or the church and promised to destroy them. That's just a guess, but i never knew him to have any conscience so I doubted he would do it on his own.

I suspect he traded these phots with other perverts. He would occasionally take my brother and me to other cities and introduce us to other perverts, My recollection is blurred about some of this because he would give us wine and pills, which I believe he said were phenobarbital. So some details are lost in my memory. But I do recall he kept the pictures in a distinctive briefcase, and he had that case with him on those trips.

I never understood how he connected with the network of pedophiles the way he did, but they knew each other somehow. In any case, I suspect they circulated the photos amongst themselves and I have no way of knowing whether they still exist in any form. But I agree with you, his word is meaningless.

 

[BasementBoy]

Thank you for sharing that with us @Dan99. You are safe here my friend. That is scary - and while I cannot relate in my own experiences; I know that people who go through horrific trauma such as that sometimes turn out to be the most wonderful people. We are all products of our abuse and trauma - I sum it as a group of individual's who know how to treat people better than others because we all know what it is like to be treated bad.

Amen,
Honeeecombs

 

[TJ jeff]

Pictures - I've never liked my picture taken - few people understand why

I should probably add to TJ's story post here some day - I've only discussed with a couple of others from this site about what happened with my friend I only knew for 1 year when I was 8 who I only knew as JP - basically I was abducted by his dad one late summer day as we were sleeping on the shore drying off from swimming in a local pond - looking back I know it was a set-up - it had been thought out in advance - somehow they had beaten the info out of JP that I was being abused at home - JP's folks were heavy druggies and abused him greatly - they made money by trading pictures for drugs - many pictures were taken of both of us that afternoon/night - sexual things done that I won't even talk about here - they left town as soon as the construction project his dad was in town working on was done - I have no idea what ever happened to any of those pictures but I'm sure they were worth lots of drugs - I never saw or heard from JP again - I doubt he lived to adulthood

 

[82Tango]

Pictures - I've never liked my picture taken - few people understand why

I should probably add to TJ's story post here some day - I've only discussed with a couple of others from this site about what happened with my friend I only knew for 1 year when I was 8 who I only knew as JP - basically I was abducted by his dad one late summer day as we were sleeping on the shore drying off from swimming in a local pond - looking back I know it was a set-up - it had been thought out in advance - somehow they had beaten the info out of JP that I was being abused at home - JP's folks were heavy druggies and abused him greatly - they made money by trading pictures for drugs - many pictures were taken of both of us that afternoon/night - sexual things done that I won't even talk about here - they left town as soon as the construction project his dad was in town working on was done - I have no idea what ever happened to any of those pictures but I'm sure they were worth lots of drugs - I never saw or heard from JP again - I doubt he lived to adulthood

So heartbreakingly sad. I still can't wrap my head around the depths of the cruelty and viciousness adult humans can do to children. I need to keep my serenity as much as possible so I don't like to think about it (bury my head in the sand). But when I read yet another achingly tragic account about it, I fall to pieces. So sad for the boy you were, TJ. And crushed about the life that your fleeting friend JP had. :-(

Regardless, thank you for sharing this with us. A reminder of what we are/were capable of living/surviving through as we struggle through life.

 

[lapchinj]

In the early '70's there was a magazine called "Naked Muppets" photos of mostly young preteen boys naked and sold in corner stores.

By the early '70s I was already in the USAF for a couple of years so I don't recall that magazine. But I ended up in plenty of other magazines that were sold on the local newsstands in Manhattan in the early and mid '60s. They were sold in bookstores and candy shops also. I'm sure that old photos along with old magazines are still out there. You can find adult porn from the early 1900's on line so I wouldn't be surprised if old child porn is also out there.

 

[Pollux]

I am fortunate in comparison. The pictures that were taken of my abuse were hidden by my mother and she destroyed when I found them at 12 years old. I've been through every negative left in all of my mother and perp stepfather's things after they passed. (I even bought a negative scanner). It took me many years to figure out why she kept them in hiding. She was using the evidence of my abuse as a way to control my stepfather or a bargaining chip if they ever divorced. I'm pretty sure they never got out or even exist anymore.

 

[Pollux]

"A skillful groomer, a skillful abuser gets into the child's DNA
and becomes part of the child, and the child can't cast him off
regardless of the age." -Dr. Michael Welner

Good lord, I just heard something about this in a support group yesterday and wondered if it was actually true.

 

[Pollux]

Pictures - I've never liked my picture taken - few people understand why

I should probably add to TJ's story post here some day - I've only discussed with a couple of others from this site about what happened with my friend I only knew for 1 year when I was 8 who I only knew as JP - basically I was abducted by his dad one late summer day as we were sleeping on the shore drying off from swimming in a local pond - looking back I know it was a set-up - it had been thought out in advance - somehow they had beaten the info out of JP that I was being abused at home - JP's folks were heavy druggies and abused him greatly - they made money by trading pictures for drugs - many pictures were taken of both of us that afternoon/night - sexual things done that I won't even talk about here - they left town as soon as the construction project his dad was in town working on was done - I have no idea what ever happened to any of those pictures but I'm sure they were worth lots of drugs - I never saw or heard from JP again - I doubt he lived to adulthood

I FREAKING HATE getting my picture taken.

 

[lapchinj]

I can't imagine ever talking to the police about it again. ...

Were they scanned and posted on the internet? I guess anything is possible, but if so I would rather just be an anonymous kid than have people know it's me.

In the '50s and '60s (and probably later) the police were part of the problem. Entire precincts in NYC were bought out. I can't see them being any better in the '70s or '80s either. I don't think that anyone will come up to us and say they recognized us in any photos.

 

[lapchinj]

Good lord, I just heard something about this in a support group yesterday and wondered if it was actually true.

It's true. My abuser became like my father and trafficked me for over 10 years. I loved him. He was my pimp - there I finally admitted that he was my pimp. Now I have to try and put the love aside also.

 

[Bornfree]

I learned, about 30 years ago, that pictures that were taken of me from age 12 - 14 were traded or sold. These photos (and others that I was not part of) were what got my abuser in legal trouble, leading eventually to his suicide.

I knew before this happened that a lot of pictures of me were taken, but I never considered that other people would see them. When they were taken, I didn't consider myself espeically handsome. I was not physically very mature. It still feels strange that people took risks to own these pictures.

This was all before the internet was a real thing. The photos were literal black and white prints. So I don't imagine many people had them. The police certainly got them, so they were out there somewhere.

I don't look anything like I did. I'm not worried about being recognized. Everyone that knows I was in the pictures has died. And unless somone scanned them, they never made it to the internet age. But I'm still kinda bothered that people might be looking at them.

Don't you wish sometimes you could download all those child porn pictures off the internet and they would then be gone forever? I know it hurts for boys to have these photos taken, you become exposed. Though I never had any photos of me taken, assaults and in a sense sexual bullying, and a rape by family doctor was enough to mess me up good. I remember a time at a nudist beach some guy asking me if I would let him take pics of me for 5 bucks. I almost let him. Part of that was because I really didn't have any friends, I was struggling in school and in phys-ed, and at home. I was 14. In a sense it would have been like someone wanted to pay attention to me for once. Yes, I'm glad it did NOT happen, but the fantasy is there unfortunately. That was almost 50 years ago, and I'm still messed up. It is hard to say that if I had either not had encephalitis, or, having had it, but had help afterwards so that I could have become successful in a career I would not feel so bad about what happened in my childhood/ teen years.

 

[Bornfree]

Pictures - I've never liked my picture taken - few people understand why

I should probably add to TJ's story post here some day - I've only discussed with a couple of others from this site about what happened with my friend I only knew for 1 year when I was 8 who I only knew as JP - basically I was abducted by his dad one late summer day as we were sleeping on the shore drying off from swimming in a local pond - looking back I know it was a set-up - it had been thought out in advance - somehow they had beaten the info out of JP that I was being abused at home - JP's folks were heavy druggies and abused him greatly - they made money by trading pictures for drugs - many pictures were taken of both of us that afternoon/night - sexual things done that I won't even talk about here - they left town as soon as the construction project his dad was in town working on was done - I have no idea what ever happened to any of those pictures but I'm sure they were worth lots of drugs - I never saw or heard from JP again - I doubt he lived to adulthood

I have heard so much over the years of such things happening. Horrors! Not sure if anyone remembers Clifford Olson from British Columbia back in the late 70's early 80's. Don't think he took pics, but he kidnapped a bunch of boys from ages 9 to 15, a few girls too I think, (I was only around 16 myself, and then he would do ******TRIGGER****** sexual things with the boys and then kill them. I cried so many times every time I heard what he had done and at times wished I could have been there instead of those boys, so that I could stop Olson from doing any more. Even today, so many years later, I cry when I think of what he did. How is one supposed to forgive a monster like that?

 

[Bornfree]

By the early '70s I was already in the USAF for a couple of years so I don't recall that magazine. But I ended up in plenty of other magazines that were sold on the local newsstands in Manhattan in the early and mid '60s. They were sold in bookstores and candy shops also. I'm sure that old photos along with old magazines are still out there. You can find adult porn from the early 1900's on line so I wouldn't be surprised if old child porn is also out there.

I remember that magazine being sold in newstands in my hometown. At the time, (being an abused kid myself) I was curious and wondered if I could get a couple of magazines. I was like 13 when I first heard. I never did go down to find out, and just as well, as it could have ended up me being trapped into posing for sex pics.

 

[axlr]

Some terrifying realities posed in this thread: my heart goes out to y'all.

I have heard so much over the years of such things happening. Horrors! Not sure if anyone remembers Clifford Olson from British Columbia back in the late 70's early 80's. Don't think he took pics, but he kidnapped a bunch of boys from ages 9 to 15, a few girls too I think, (I was only around 16 myself, and then he would do ******TRIGGER****** sexual things with the boys and then kill them. I cried so many times every time I heard what he had done and at times wished I could have been there instead of those boys, so that I could stop Olson from doing any more. Even today, so many years later, I cry when I think of what he did. How is one supposed to forgive a monster like that?

I feel this. I remember hearing descriptions of CSEM videos when I was 8, and just wishing that I could swap out places with the victims and take it for them instead. I still have that gut reaction with anything in this subject sometimes.

---

For me, I remember lots of cameras and recording and considering the psyche of my abuser and what he desired to do (break and humiliate me) I've most certainly accepted that it's probably out there somewhere. I don't remember whether he ever explicitly told me as much that he put them up but it wouldn't surprise me if he did. I've felt comfortable calling myself a victim of this exploitation and never really liked having my picture online. Even now, putting the pictures of my little boy self up is a hard task. It weighs on me to do it, with all the possibilities of how it could be used but it's an image I'd like to reclaim bit by bit.

If the images are out there I'd mostly hope to accept it. I think trying to take them down is like playing whack-a-mole, sure you can take them down here but what about there, and if I were in the scenario where I knew for sure that stuff was out there rather than just a hunch I'd try to just accept it as a reality. The images are a form of abuse and wishing them to not exist just feels like wishing the abuse itself didn't happen, which is a nice thought but impossible. It's a horrendous way of life for sure. My heart goes out to those who have more widespread images and get constant reminders of them from creepy pedos hunting souvenirs like serial killers. That's not a way to live life, in constant paranoia and reminders. Humiliating and horrible. I hope people in those situations can find some peace and privacy.

I realize now that even when I was repressing, I was coping with these things. My mind might've been doing it subconsciously but I was coping. These possibilities are terrifying but strangely familiar. I suppose that's a bit of a blessing.