Abused by my father

Abused by my father

KSIC

Registrant
I (30 year old male) was sexually abused by my father when I was young, I can't remember the exact age. But I think it was between the ages of 6-10.

It's strange, in my mind I've alway known this should have impacted be more than it did. I know that it happened, I know that it was wrong, I know that people who've been through these experiences have ongoing effects in their daily life if not delt with properly. I see the effect it has had on who I am, and how I present myself in this world. But yet somehow these experiences feel very distant, like a black and white movie from a distant past.





I've been in therapy for a while now and it's going well luckily! I hope to be able to connect with the pain and the experiences themself in order to take the next steps in my process.



The first time

I remember the first time, I remember it clearly, I've always remembered it.

At the time it was one of the best moments of my life. He told me: we are going to do something, but you can't tell other people, they wouldn't understand, it's our little secret.

I was so happy! Finally, a special moment with my normally cold and distant father. I remember how excited I was! I've longed for this for so long! I longed for his warmth, his love, his undivided attention and it was finally there! It was like getting a big birthday present as a child. I can still feel the thrill and hapiness of that moment.

If I've only had known.....

Now I look at that thrill and excitement with different eyes, I've hated myself for having felt that for so many years. I look at myself completely disgusted for having felt that as a child. Now I know I was just a little boy longing for warmth and love, and I understood myself for having felt it and forgave myself for having judged and hated myself for so long.



That's all I remember, there are memories which might be linked to that first time but I would't be able to connect them together. I just recall that emotion, that innocent child like emotion. It was the moment my innocence was abused, it was the moment where I got spoiled and my childhood was taken away from me.


Would you like to know how he planned out the first time?

He told me there were ghosts, good ones and bad ones. There were ghosts in the closet, in my bedroom, they were everywhere! He made me look in his closet. I remember being so afraid, I was shivering and cold, afraid the ghosts would hurt me. And that's when he offered me to sleep with him in his bed.

To be safe and warm, hugged and loved.

If I've only had known.....



How could you hurt your own child like that? How can you be so manipulative and cunning towards an innocent child, causing fair and despair? To later take that innocence away for your own pleasure?


Is there anyone who had a similar emotion about their first time?
 
I (30 year old male) was sexually abused by my father when I was young, I can't remember the exact age. But I think it was between the ages of 6-10.

It's strange, in my mind I've alway known this should have impacted be more than it did. I know that it happened, I know that it was wrong, I know that people who've been through these experiences have ongoing effects in their daily life if not delt with properly. I see the effect it has had on who I am, and how I present myself in this world. But yet somehow these experiences feel very distant, like a black and white movie from a distant past.





I've been in therapy for a while now and it's going well luckily! I hope to be able to connect with the pain and the experiences themself in order to take the next steps in my process.



The first time

I remember the first time, I remember it clearly, I've always remembered it.

At the time it was one of the best moments of my life. He told me: we are going to do something, but you can't tell other people, they wouldn't understand, it's our little secret.

I was so happy! Finally, a special moment with my normally cold and distant father. I remember how excited I was! I've longed for this for so long! I longed for his warmth, his love, his undivided attention and it was finally there! It was like getting a big birthday present as a child. I can still feel the thrill and hapiness of that moment.

If I've only had known.....

Now I look at that thrill and excitement with different eyes, I've hated myself for having felt that for so many years. I look at myself completely disgusted for having felt that as a child. Now I know I was just a little boy longing for warmth and love, and I understood myself for having felt it and forgave myself for having judged and hated myself for so long.



That's all I remember, there are memories which might be linked to that first time but I would't be able to connect them together. I just recall that emotion, that innocent child like emotion. It was the moment my innocence was abused, it was the moment where I got spoiled and my childhood was taken away from me.


Would you like to know how he planned out the first time?

He told me there were ghosts, good ones and bad ones. There were ghosts in the closet, in my bedroom, they were everywhere! He made me look in his closet. I remember being so afraid, I was shivering and cold, afraid the ghosts would hurt me. And that's when he offered me to sleep with him in his bed.

To be safe and warm, hugged and loved.

If I've only had known.....



How could you hurt your own child like that? How can you be so manipulative and cunning towards an innocent child, causing fair and despair? To later take that innocence away for your own pleasure?


Is there anyone who had a similar emotion about their first time?
KSIC, first Welcome! I’m fairly new hear as well. I want to tell you that I to was abused
by my father, I to have felt some of these same emotions. It was our father, the one who was to protect us, teach how to be a good man,
play ball with us, and all the things a father
should have done for us. They chose a different path! How sad! Just know you are not alone. Everyone of us here has been
betrayed, and had horrible things done to us.
There can be a lot of help here for you to process those emotions and with the help of
your T. Please feel welcome and tell more of your story as you feel comfortable. Read through the Forum. I’m so sorry that you were
betrayed by your father, but I glad you found this place. MS is for people like yourself.
Wish you the best and reach out anytime. LRD
 
I'm sorry for what your father did to you. Parents are supposed to be someone we can trust to offer the love & support we need as children, & I'm sorry that your father betrayed that trust. I can very much relate to some of what you described. Although for me it was not my father. It was the love & support I desperately wanted from a father that led me into the arms of my abuser (teacher). He offered his time, attention, what I thought was affection & love, & I fell into his trap. I can't imagine how anyone could manipulate & abuse a child in this way.

Welcome to MS! You'll find understanding & support here in whatever you're dealing with & wherever in your healing process you find yourself. Best wishes as you continue to deal with these issues.
 
Hi welcome to the site.
I relate to the longing of the little boy. I felt tricked every time my dad pretended to be giving me attention, it always ended with abuse. I hated myself for wanting his affection it never came but I never gave up hoping. I like you was only doing what every child is programmed to do; trying to form a bond with the adults around. The drive to attach to a parent is instinctual and the child cannot choose but to obey its instinct.
welcome again
 
KSIC, first Welcome! I’m fairly new hear as well. I want to tell you that I to was abused
by my father, I to have felt some of these same emotions. It was our father, the one who was to protect us, teach how to be a good man,
play ball with us, and all the things a father
should have done for us. They chose a different path! How sad! Just know you are not alone. Everyone of us here has been
betrayed, and had horrible things done to us.
There can be a lot of help here for you to process those emotions and with the help of
your T. Please feel welcome and tell more of your story as you feel comfortable. Read through the Forum. I’m so sorry that you were
betrayed by your father, but I glad you found this place. MS is for people like yourself.
Wish you the best and reach out anytime. LRD
Thanks so much for your reply!

It's strange but good at the same time to be able to connect with men who went through the same. I've never really talked to somebody with similar traumas before. It's very encouraging to see so many people here wanting to help each other and to listen to each other.


Thanks again! I really apreciate it.
 
I'm sorry for what your father did to you. Parents are supposed to be someone we can trust to offer the love & support we need as children, & I'm sorry that your father betrayed that trust. I can very much relate to some of what you described. Although for me it was not my father. It was the love & support I desperately wanted from a father that led me into the arms of my abuser (teacher). He offered his time, attention, what I thought was affection & love, & I fell into his trap. I can't imagine how anyone could manipulate & abuse a child in this way.

Welcome to MS! You'll find understanding & support here in whatever you're dealing with & wherever in your healing process you find yourself. Best wishes as you continue to deal with these issues.
Exactly, it's like they proposed a deal: if you do what I want, I can provide what you're looking for (emotionally). But as children we don't fully understand the consequences of that deal, the impact it would have on us, or what it is that we're giving up. A true devil's deal.

Thanks for your words, I hope to be able to go further into my healing process and I feel like communicating with others about these traumas is very helpful. I apreciate the time people here are taking in being there for others and being part of their healing process, it's heartwarming to see to be honest.
 
Hi welcome to the site.
I relate to the longing of the little boy. I felt tricked every time my dad pretended to be giving me attention, it always ended with abuse. I hated myself for wanting his affection it never came but I never gave up hoping. I like you was only doing what every child is programmed to do; trying to form a bond with the adults around. The drive to attach to a parent is instinctual and the child cannot choose but to obey its instinct.
welcome again
Thanks!

It was the same for me, I longed for that attention and his approval. Maybe the more he rejected me, the more I was looking for his approval. I gave up when I was about 16, I hit the gym and started looking for new friends. As soon as my father realised he couldn't control me anymore he wanted me out of the house as fast as possible. I did feel good taking back control over my desires, or at least how I acted on them.

It does make me feel kind of lost somehow, I do know what kind of man I want to be but somehow I have no idea how to actually be like that in daily life. I've never learned how to make a healthy bond with a man, as a child I did have plenty of good people around who wanted to help but I was so focussed on getting the approval of my father that I never really spend attention on the good figures I had around. And now I shut down completely when bonding with somebody how might be able to give advise or step into a fatherly (coaching)role, I do have friends but it's more on the surface communication.

All my therapists have been women as well, somehow it's still scary being emotionally close to a man.
 
KSIC,

I am familiar with the emotions you described during the 7 months of abuse my father was absent. My buddy and his father allowed me to join in on their secret stuff they did.

For a boy whose dad had left the feelings of being included accepted were overwhelming so I continued going over next door every Friday and Saturday over night.

Welcome to this site guys here do understand all you are saying I hope you know we support you.
 
Are you gay or bi or straight. Have you tried to have a family of your own? A good relationship with a man can be on different plates. I was sexual abuse my many but not my father. But still wanted his approve of me and did not get it much in life. Only his last 2 years of life did he finally tell me he was happy for me but never told me he was proud if me. He told others but not to me.
 
Thanks @iaccus and @Sawyer49 !

@The Bluefoot - I think I'm bisexual, but I have no idea. I love women, and sometimes have feelings for men as well. But I promised myself I would never act out on them until I dealt properly with my abuse. I'm afraid it's an urge to reanact my abuse, so I would want to be a 100% sure if that's the case or if they are actual deeper feelings which belong to me and not my past.

I do have my own family, I have a wife and 2 wonderful kids. They have been such a vital aspect of my healing process. Since I was a kid my biggest wish was to have a happy family.

I'm happy for that your dad did tell you he was happy for you, and I understand you would like to have heard to words about him being proud of you directly from him. It's amazing how powerful words can be
 
Thank you for sharing Ksic. I was abused by my father in the shower. I remember feeling surprised and confused about what I saw before it happened and can't remember anything about it afterwards. I was always confused about why he was so distant from me. Even today I feel like the only time he talks to me is when he wants something from me. You are safe and appreciated here for who you are and wanting and willing to be open.
 
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