Abused by my father
I (30 year old male) was sexually abused by my father when I was young, I can't remember the exact age. But I think it was between the ages of 6-10.
It's strange, in my mind I've alway known this should have impacted be more than it did. I know that it happened, I know that it was wrong, I know that people who've been through these experiences have ongoing effects in their daily life if not delt with properly. I see the effect it has had on who I am, and how I present myself in this world. But yet somehow these experiences feel very distant, like a black and white movie from a distant past.
I've been in therapy for a while now and it's going well luckily! I hope to be able to connect with the pain and the experiences themself in order to take the next steps in my process.
The first time
I remember the first time, I remember it clearly, I've always remembered it.
At the time it was one of the best moments of my life. He told me: we are going to do something, but you can't tell other people, they wouldn't understand, it's our little secret.
I was so happy! Finally, a special moment with my normally cold and distant father. I remember how excited I was! I've longed for this for so long! I longed for his warmth, his love, his undivided attention and it was finally there! It was like getting a big birthday present as a child. I can still feel the thrill and hapiness of that moment.
If I've only had known.....
Now I look at that thrill and excitement with different eyes, I've hated myself for having felt that for so many years. I look at myself completely disgusted for having felt that as a child. Now I know I was just a little boy longing for warmth and love, and I understood myself for having felt it and forgave myself for having judged and hated myself for so long.
That's all I remember, there are memories which might be linked to that first time but I would't be able to connect them together. I just recall that emotion, that innocent child like emotion. It was the moment my innocence was abused, it was the moment where I got spoiled and my childhood was taken away from me.
Would you like to know how he planned out the first time?
He told me there were ghosts, good ones and bad ones. There were ghosts in the closet, in my bedroom, they were everywhere! He made me look in his closet. I remember being so afraid, I was shivering and cold, afraid the ghosts would hurt me. And that's when he offered me to sleep with him in his bed.
To be safe and warm, hugged and loved.
If I've only had known.....
How could you hurt your own child like that? How can you be so manipulative and cunning towards an innocent child, causing fair and despair? To later take that innocence away for your own pleasure?
Is there anyone who had a similar emotion about their first time?
It's strange, in my mind I've alway known this should have impacted be more than it did. I know that it happened, I know that it was wrong, I know that people who've been through these experiences have ongoing effects in their daily life if not delt with properly. I see the effect it has had on who I am, and how I present myself in this world. But yet somehow these experiences feel very distant, like a black and white movie from a distant past.
I've been in therapy for a while now and it's going well luckily! I hope to be able to connect with the pain and the experiences themself in order to take the next steps in my process.
The first time
I remember the first time, I remember it clearly, I've always remembered it.
At the time it was one of the best moments of my life. He told me: we are going to do something, but you can't tell other people, they wouldn't understand, it's our little secret.
I was so happy! Finally, a special moment with my normally cold and distant father. I remember how excited I was! I've longed for this for so long! I longed for his warmth, his love, his undivided attention and it was finally there! It was like getting a big birthday present as a child. I can still feel the thrill and hapiness of that moment.
If I've only had known.....
Now I look at that thrill and excitement with different eyes, I've hated myself for having felt that for so many years. I look at myself completely disgusted for having felt that as a child. Now I know I was just a little boy longing for warmth and love, and I understood myself for having felt it and forgave myself for having judged and hated myself for so long.
That's all I remember, there are memories which might be linked to that first time but I would't be able to connect them together. I just recall that emotion, that innocent child like emotion. It was the moment my innocence was abused, it was the moment where I got spoiled and my childhood was taken away from me.
Would you like to know how he planned out the first time?
He told me there were ghosts, good ones and bad ones. There were ghosts in the closet, in my bedroom, they were everywhere! He made me look in his closet. I remember being so afraid, I was shivering and cold, afraid the ghosts would hurt me. And that's when he offered me to sleep with him in his bed.
To be safe and warm, hugged and loved.
If I've only had known.....
How could you hurt your own child like that? How can you be so manipulative and cunning towards an innocent child, causing fair and despair? To later take that innocence away for your own pleasure?
Is there anyone who had a similar emotion about their first time?