Why am I the one who is paying for this

Hey @LinEar - I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this. I'm sure it's something all of us here have struggled with, though, or still struggle with. It is a truly devastating injury we've all suffered.

That's the way I think of it - as an injury. That seems to help me somewhat. At my workplace, I work alongside a couple of guys who, as teens, completely severed their spinal cords. They can't walk, or move their hands very well. Our injuries are no less devastating, except our injuries are mainly to our brains, nervous systems, and souls.

I'm sure my co-workers experienced waking up in the middle of the night, as you did, asking themselves "Why did I go skiing that day?" or whatever. Life can be pretty difficult for them. It's no less difficult for us, in a different way.

My point is that life isn't fair, and some people, like us, really get the crap end of the stick. My co-workers went through difficult physical therapy and use powered wheelchairs to get around; they don't just lie in bed all day. We can do the same by getting help and working hard to heal ourselves. It is possible.
 
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Hello, LinEar - I think it's true, we all ask that question. Often in the middle of the night. Sometimes in the middle of the day. As was said in the above post - life isn't fair, and don't we know that. How I wanted things to have turned out differently, and it has taken me a long time to come to the place where I can say that they didn't turn out differently, they were hurtful, shameful and frightening and I'm left to deal with it all. Just like you. Just like every other man on this site........
 
Same...
 
Hey, while agreeing with everything written above wanted to share something which has recently started to shape in my mind. This idea of paying or making them pay with the revenge for the abuse is haunting me for years. Recently i started to drift into a very strange direction of disconnecting my life conditions from the abuse. Abuse is kinda theirs, and the abuser is the one who deals or not deals with it within the boundaries of their life, i am dealing with my life. Yes, they were able to cross my boundaries and hurt me, only thing i care about i am strong if things go bad again.
I know it might sounds like i am in denial, but in my mind it is a deeper level of acceptance of the past. In a way i don't want to give a f.. about the abuse because it's not mine, what worries me is PTSD i am learning to deal with and my fragility in relations with other people - this is what i am focused on right now, yes i understand clearly i got the PTSD as a consequences of the abuse, but this link in a way has no internal meaning for me anymore. So what?..
It doesn't mean i don't investigate the past, specially parts which are still in the amnesia/never being told, but i do it to heal myself.
Sorry if it sounds weird, but i hope it might help.
p.s. re-read my message and wanted to emphasis/add tldr part of what i am talking about: i don't need to sort out THEIR abuse, it's theirs to sort out. i "only" need to heal my wounds. ofcourse it's extremely hard, but at least we i don't carry it ALL.
 
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SS, your post not only DOESN'T sound weird, it sounds like healing. We're not doing this work to memorialize the sexual trauma, to build an altar at which we worship every day. The tragedy of the trauma is precisely that we keep carrying it with us. We keep making choices, indulging in feelings all of which were generated by the trauma. We act out the trauma both through behaviors and in our minds. Honestly, it can't be different than that UNTIL it is different. We first tell ourselves the painful truth. Being able to step out of the trauma takes great courage, but it is only when we do that that we can acknowledge the truth of what happened. We do that with deep compassion for ourselves for our response to all of it, because invariably we did things that brought us shame. And when we tell the truth we also can begin to do exactly what you're doing... living your life while continually disentangling yourself from the snares laid down in the abuse... again, in your behavior and in your mind. Doing this allows the trauma to remain in the past, with the perpetrators. You liberate yourself, liberate this moment and live. Yes, the trauma was horrific and it consumed much of our lives... but we're here because we want our lives back. We heal our wounds even as we claim our aliveness. You're doing exactly that. Deep respect SS.
 
The question why am I the only one who paid is one that I think a lot of survivors ask themselves. My abusers all got away scot-free, save for one, and that is not because of me, but because the sick bastard continued his evil ways.

I feel like I was handed a life sentence, and all of them avoided any consequence for what they did to me. Is it fair? No. It is grossly UNFAIR. But I can spend my days contemplating the unfairness of it all, or I can spend them reclaiming my life. The choice, for me, is a no-brainer, though it took me YEARS to get here. We are in this together. Let us never forget that.
 
Thank you Jaxson. I've been contemplating the "life sentence" feeling lately. I'm working on reclaiming, it just feels as though I'm stuck and not making any progress. My T says otherwise, and I think she's telling the truth, but it's hard to know.
 
@LinEar You aren't alone. I experience it when I see a man who is in robust health, enjoying living in the present, and is highly successful. I often wonder what I could have accomplished if my mind, body, and brain hadn't been so profoundly damaged by the CSA age 4. I must work hard against falling into the trap of:
What could have been.
What should have been.
But will never be.
I must forge my own way in life. I must live in the present. I'm burning daylight so I don't have the time or energy to be concerned with the abusers any longer. They're dead. I am also getting rid of all of the toxic relationships and acquaintances that have kept me from enjoying life in the present. I did not realize how truly sick I was until I started brazenly getting rid of them, unceremoniously and unapologetically. Not one of them has admitted to their abuse nor have they apologized. So be it. It's on them now. As for me. I am now at peace and I am safe.
@LinEar, keep going friend. You are on the cusp of a major event that will greatly impact your recovery in a wonderful and positive way!
 
The thing I struggle the most with is this nagging thought that it is my fault if my attacker hurt anyone else because I didn’t stop him by pressing charges. I just can’t handle that kind of guilt.
 
Visitor said:
We're not doing this work to memorialize the sexual trauma, to build an altar at which we worship every day. The tragedy of the trauma is precisely that we keep carrying it with us. We keep making choices, indulging in feelings all of which were generated by the trauma. We act out the trauma both through behaviors and in our minds. Honestly, it can't be different than that UNTIL it is different. We first tell ourselves the painful truth. Being able to step out of the trauma takes great courage, but it is only when we do that that we can acknowledge the truth of what happened.
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Thanks for this, Visitor. These words really hit home for me...had me thinking "that's IT! that's it exactly!"
 
copernicus said:
Thanks for this, Visitor. These words really hit home for me...had me thinking "that's IT! that's it exactly!"
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I think all of us who are fans of Rainer Maria Rilke need to stick together... :eek:

I appreciate your contributions and the fact you chose to become a member. MS is like a desert oasis... the place where we find sustenance after a life-long struggle with our demons. I think of joining as confirmation that I need this place and am willing to make an investment so it will be here in the future for me and for other men who've known the horror of sexual trauma. We can't do this alone.

Be well and stay safe.
 
Visitor said:
I think all of us who are fans of Rainer Maria Rilke need to stick together... :eek:

I appreciate your contributions and the fact you chose to become a member. MS is like a desert oasis... the place where we find sustenance after a life-long struggle with our demons.
Click to expand...

You're absolutely right about Rilke. One of my all-time favorites, and so beautifully translated into English. I'm with you on Eliot's Four Quartets, also. My sig-line runner-up was Part IV from "Little Gidding" :

The dove descending breaks the air
With flame of incandescent terror
Of which the tongues declare
The one discharge from sin and error.
The only hope, or else despair
Lies in the choice of pyre of pyre-
To be redeemed from fire by fire.

Who then devised the torment? Love.
Love is the unfamiliar Name
Behind the hands that wove
The intolerable shirt of flame
Which human power cannot remove.
We only live, only suspire
Consumed by either fire or fire.

Beautiful and relevant...but too long for the bottom of a message! As for membership, it was an easy choice. My guess is that I'll be hanging around for a while, and I absolutely want to make sure the site remains here for whoever else in the future might need it as desperately as I did the day it came up for me on Google.
 
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