What's an emotional or physical trigger for you that feels really challenging to explain?
It stopped triggering when I made the connection between the smell and the camping past.
Why would you want those memories back? Personally, if I could permanently forget my past I would love to. But, unfortunately, I can vividly recall things that occurred when I was 2 1/2 - 3, my brother can remember an incident back to when he was 6 months old! (not bad thing, just dad taking picture of him on the kitchen table in his car seat, and I remember that too!)When I was young, I used to get nauseous at the smell of a particular ethnic food. I never understood why but now think I was smelling those foods being cooked while he was taking me up the stairs of his 5 story apartment building to the rooftop where I was abused. I’m still trying to get some of those memories back. It took me over 50 years to make that connection…
Believe me each one of my triggers I would gladly scorch out of my head with a soldering iron if I could. The memories associated with them are so disturbing that I don't know if I can ever tell the whole thing.Why would you want those memories back? Personally, if I could permanently forget my past I would love to. But, unfortunately, I can vividly recall things that occurred when I was 2 1/2 - 3, my brother can remember an incident back to when he was 6 months old! (not bad thing, just dad taking picture of him on the kitchen table in his car seat, and I remember that too!)
You look like at that point in your life , you were going to a boys private school? Where did your problems come from? school, or home life?Having my hair touched, brushing it is well and truly out. No one touches my head. Penguin / Bourbon biscuits don’t know why and probably don’t want to. People appearing around me unexpectedly and the smell of some medical creams, the smells are the worse, the smell of old sweat, of pipe smoke, just the thought make me cringe.
I felt the same way for a long time.The memories associated with them are so disturbing that I don't know if I can ever tell the whole thing.
There is a substantial percentage of my assaults that I am open about, yet learning to accept. These maybe difficult but I'm working on them. There are others though that I've alluded to with my therapist, I believe that in time I can also be forthright and talk to her about them.The smell of cheap whiskey and cigarettes.
Really intense bright lights.
Animal print fabric.
I felt the same way for a long time.
But I eventually realized that it isn't my shame or my secret. It was the perps they are the ones to be ashamed of what they did.
So I wrote it out and posted a very long survivor story. I needed to get it all out.
There is a substantial percentage of my assaults that I am open about, yet learning to accept. These maybe difficult but I'm working on them. There are others though that I've alluded to with my therapist, I believe that in time I can also be forthright and talk to her about them.
The things at this time I'm not open about I will learn new tools to process these memories in order to accept them without having physiological responses (etc nausea, vomiting, sweating). Then I might be resilient; accepting these disturbing behaviors of my abuser that I was her living puppet (by that stage a young teen that had been broken to the point that I became compliant) to torment.
When I get to that stage I will post in a more expanded story of myself and my abuse. But until then I think it's best to not open or dwell on the subjects.
I'm grateful for all my brothers here at Male Survivor but some things take time.
Mine is similar. Sleeping bags and tents, the older kind, brings back a flood of memories when I see them, or photos of them.For about three years it was wood smoke (campfire smoke). This was after I finally told about the abuse - most of which occurred camping on BSA outings. It stopped triggering when I made the connection between the smell and the camping past.
More recently it was the innocent professional light touch on the outside of my thigh when I was looking elsewhere by a physical therapist I worked with after knee replacement - It was the exact spot the perp first touched my skin at... She never again touched without warning after THAT reaction.
The sight and sound and SMELL of a Polaroid camera...there is a certain odor when they are developing before your eyes that takes me back. Although, luckily, haven't seen a Polaroid in years! Do they even still make film for them, I wonder?Hey Sid, great topic I'll get what I can out. If I start to feel triggered then I'll probably step back and repost.
The real common one that I share with a lot of CSA and SA survivors is being touched or approached from behind. I've talked in groups online about this seems real common. I am last experience with this was in my church about a month ago. It didn't help that she sounded a lot like my abuser. It just made me want to scream and run.
The smell of organ meat for example kidneys liver etc. I'm not going to explain why it just does, very strongly.
Badly done fake nails, my abuser had a tendency to sink hers into very tender flesh. I also had cases where they would come off inside me.
Sharp blow to center of forehead, found this one out when I bent over and caught the corner of the bathroom sink right dead center in my forehead. I sometimes had my head bounced off walls if I wasn't responding correctly, by my abuser.
The sight and/or sound of a Polaroid camera I don't think I have to explain this one.
Sweat getting into my eyes, feeling the salty burn. I'm not going to get into this one either.
I'm very particular about how clothes feel on me. May not be related to CSA. But I do react about it.
The sensation of fingertips on my face. Especially near my mouth.
Certain scents usually associated with bathroom soaps and or shampoos.
Thanks for the topic.
Love and respect.
Yes I saw new versions of the cameras. Still have that angular profile from 70's-80's.still sound the same as well. I was triggered by one that was a present for an adult child of a friend. I managed to dip out and be ill outside. Took 20 min to talk myself down enough to step inside again. Also saw a few at a local Walmart, just a heads up if you get triggered. BTW the packing has that multi colored stripes on it as well.The sight and sound and SMELL of a Polaroid camera...there is a certain odor when they are developing before your eyes that takes me back. Although, luckily, haven't seen a Polaroid in years! Do they even still make film for them, I wonder?