Falsely Accused Victim (Possible Triggers)
Apologies for writing what may appear to be a novel, but I am trying to sort out some of my thoughts, and I hope no one minds if I share them here. It feels like a very complicated story.
From my late childhood into my early teens, I was abused by the woman my father married a few years after he divorced my mother. When I was in my mid-teens, she accused me of being abusive towards my younger half-sister. I suspect that this was because I had begun to protest against her treatment of me. Anyway, I denied it, because I had not abused my half-sister. No one believed me though, and I was first put into foster care and then into a mental hospital, where I continued to deny it. Finally, my father told me that if I didn't confess I would never be able to come home. I ended up confessing, but the people there didn't believe me, and convinced me that somehow I had done bad things and had simply blotted them out of my mind, perhaps out of guilt. After I got out I had have repeated sessions with people to assess whether or not I still posed a problem. I never did get to go home--why I even wanted to I do not know. The woman my father married divorced him. I continued to live in social services, where I was abused by others.
For many years I avoided anything like marriage, and stayed alive only because I was worried that suicide was a sin and I would go to Hell. Otherwise, I did the bare minimum I needed to survive, neglecting my body, neglecting any possible achievements, working minimum wage jobs. I was afraid to form close relationships with anyone because I believed I was a monster like a werewolf that did not know the evil it did. It was only many years later that I was given access to my psych evaluation, where I noticed repeated words like 'denial', and that I had 'projected' my abusive behavior onto the woman my father married. There had been, in their final estimation, no evidence that I was inclined towards anything abusive with regard to children. However, they never told me that.
For many years I was also haunted by awful nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety driven sleeplessness, and physical pain in my lower body.
I never confronted the woman who abused me. I had noticed things that had deeply troubled me throughout: no one had ever believed my denials. Even though there was evidence my family should have seen that I was being abused, they never interfered. My father, who was oblivious to it, was swift to defend his wife of the slightest criticism. (He feels immensely bad about that now, and has said his only answer to why was his then arrogance and stupidity) Furthermore, I had noticed how shocked and disbelieving people were towards men and boys who claimed to have been abused by women. As for the abuse I endured in social services, I learned to deal with it by becoming hyper aggressive. My father at least apologized and had shown me the psych evaluation. But I don't feel like anyone would believe me if I told of my abuse outside of a very small circle of people.
I was, naturally, afraid of going to see a counselor, because i saw all psychologists, psychiatrists and their assistants as people who would mistreat me. Eventually, however, I realized that my life had come to a standstill and that I had to do something. I got through a year of counseling, attended university at last (as a middle aged man) and got a degree. It has improved my living situation somewhat and given me an achievement.
Right now it is difficult to get more counseling. One thing I am still deeply troubled by is that though I am managing the other parts of my condition, I have discovered that I am extremely sensitive to even the hint of an unfair accusation or any unfairness at all. It does not seem to me that I can handle these things in a normal way, whatever that is, because I notice how often people don't care if you raise complaints or concerns. Because of this, I because furiously angry. I have recognized this as fear that I hide with anger because it makes me feel less helpless and less dependent upon others. I feel as though if I can somehow find a better way to emotionally deal with unfairness I will be less haunted.
Another observation I have is that I am better able to address my concerns if I imagine that I am doing so on behalf of a teenage boy that came to me for help. When I'm focused on it being me I still have a hard time being compassionate towards myself about it, or even seeing my experiences as significant. I spent a lot of time trying to be tough. It's something I can't really do anymore though, because it's destructive. So I guess that's two things.
From my late childhood into my early teens, I was abused by the woman my father married a few years after he divorced my mother. When I was in my mid-teens, she accused me of being abusive towards my younger half-sister. I suspect that this was because I had begun to protest against her treatment of me. Anyway, I denied it, because I had not abused my half-sister. No one believed me though, and I was first put into foster care and then into a mental hospital, where I continued to deny it. Finally, my father told me that if I didn't confess I would never be able to come home. I ended up confessing, but the people there didn't believe me, and convinced me that somehow I had done bad things and had simply blotted them out of my mind, perhaps out of guilt. After I got out I had have repeated sessions with people to assess whether or not I still posed a problem. I never did get to go home--why I even wanted to I do not know. The woman my father married divorced him. I continued to live in social services, where I was abused by others.
For many years I avoided anything like marriage, and stayed alive only because I was worried that suicide was a sin and I would go to Hell. Otherwise, I did the bare minimum I needed to survive, neglecting my body, neglecting any possible achievements, working minimum wage jobs. I was afraid to form close relationships with anyone because I believed I was a monster like a werewolf that did not know the evil it did. It was only many years later that I was given access to my psych evaluation, where I noticed repeated words like 'denial', and that I had 'projected' my abusive behavior onto the woman my father married. There had been, in their final estimation, no evidence that I was inclined towards anything abusive with regard to children. However, they never told me that.
For many years I was also haunted by awful nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety driven sleeplessness, and physical pain in my lower body.
I never confronted the woman who abused me. I had noticed things that had deeply troubled me throughout: no one had ever believed my denials. Even though there was evidence my family should have seen that I was being abused, they never interfered. My father, who was oblivious to it, was swift to defend his wife of the slightest criticism. (He feels immensely bad about that now, and has said his only answer to why was his then arrogance and stupidity) Furthermore, I had noticed how shocked and disbelieving people were towards men and boys who claimed to have been abused by women. As for the abuse I endured in social services, I learned to deal with it by becoming hyper aggressive. My father at least apologized and had shown me the psych evaluation. But I don't feel like anyone would believe me if I told of my abuse outside of a very small circle of people.
I was, naturally, afraid of going to see a counselor, because i saw all psychologists, psychiatrists and their assistants as people who would mistreat me. Eventually, however, I realized that my life had come to a standstill and that I had to do something. I got through a year of counseling, attended university at last (as a middle aged man) and got a degree. It has improved my living situation somewhat and given me an achievement.
Right now it is difficult to get more counseling. One thing I am still deeply troubled by is that though I am managing the other parts of my condition, I have discovered that I am extremely sensitive to even the hint of an unfair accusation or any unfairness at all. It does not seem to me that I can handle these things in a normal way, whatever that is, because I notice how often people don't care if you raise complaints or concerns. Because of this, I because furiously angry. I have recognized this as fear that I hide with anger because it makes me feel less helpless and less dependent upon others. I feel as though if I can somehow find a better way to emotionally deal with unfairness I will be less haunted.
Another observation I have is that I am better able to address my concerns if I imagine that I am doing so on behalf of a teenage boy that came to me for help. When I'm focused on it being me I still have a hard time being compassionate towards myself about it, or even seeing my experiences as significant. I spent a lot of time trying to be tough. It's something I can't really do anymore though, because it's destructive. So I guess that's two things.