My complicated attraction to college guys

My complicated attraction to college guys
O

onlyakid

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

So maybe this is related to my abuse or maybe it's just a gay thing

I both find myself attracted to and have a phobia of college guys. This is my porn of choice and I have yet to be with any man young or old.

Phobia comes in as whenever I'm out in a place like a supermarket, fast food or today at a convience store and I see one or usually more than one I start getting anxious and stay as far away from them as I can especially if they are fooling around in a group. When I was paying at the self checkout I kept telling myself to hurry up so I could get out of their way. I did however get myself to stay so I could pickup my food that I ordered..best I can figure is that they tend to be immature and rowdy in groups

Now my abuser was my brother and when the abuse stopped he was 3 weeks short of his 18th Birthday. However it's not an uncommon attraction for older guys to be attracted to younger ones especially as is my case I came out way later in life and could just be mourning the loss of all the crushes I had back in HS and college. Maybe I'm acting out? Maybe there is a trauma that I don't remember? I don't know.

Perhaps this isn't abuse related and doesn't really fit but this is really the only place I can talk about my abuse.

I probably should be in therapy to sort this out but starting with a new therapist always takes too much time, them getting to know you before you can dive into your issues

Any advice (perhaps you had a similar situation) is appreciated

Jason







 
onlyakid said:
POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

So maybe this is related to my abuse or maybe it's just a gay thing

I both find myself attracted to and have a phobia of college guys. This is my porn of choice and I have yet to be with any man young or old.

Phobia comes in as whenever I'm out in a place like a supermarket, fast food or today at a convience store and I see one or usually more than one I start getting anxious and stay as far away from them as I can especially if they are fooling around in a group. When I was paying at the self checkout I kept telling myself to hurry up so I could get out of their way. I did however get myself to stay so I could pickup my food that I ordered..best I can figure is that they tend to be immature and rowdy in groups

Now my abuser was my brother and when the abuse stopped he was 3 weeks short of his 18th Birthday. However it's not an uncommon attraction for older guys to be attracted to younger ones especially as is my case I came out way later in life and could just be mourning the loss of all the crushes I had back in HS and college. Maybe I'm acting out? Maybe there is a trauma that I don't remember? I don't know.

Perhaps this isn't abuse related and doesn't really fit but this is really the only place I can talk about my abuse.

I probably should be in therapy to sort this out but starting with a new therapist always takes too much time, them getting to know you before you can dive into your issues

Any advice (perhaps you had a similar situation) is appreciated

Jason


Jason,

I am sorry you experienced that. I was molested by at least 3 men from the ages of 4-8. I too have strong sexual desire for college-aged (buff men). I am confident that my SAA is a result of my CSA.

I’ve been sexually pure for 3 years & my wife is aware of my past struggles & of my same sex attraction. Jason-if you were molested-that is trauma & I strongly encourage you to find a good CSAT therapist.
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College guys are very good looking. guys in the 20s young, in good shape, full of energy and life. That is much better than us old dudes. Its normal attraction. Nothing unusual, str8 guys being attracted to 20 something women same thing.
 
It’s odd, I also get anxiety around other guys and like you especially if there is a group of them. My anxiety kept me from playing sports and I quit band when it hit time to go to marching camp. I’m 45 and crave if not fantasize what my life could have been. Had my mother not pulled me out of soccer after getting kicked. Had I been pushed to do things with others. Ugh
 
I love looking at twinks, nothing wrong with dreaming actual it's health and normal. Straights look at girls, gay at guys and bi guys at both. And on line I used to talk to hot looking guys thou never hooked up with any. I guess that wad the abuse side of me. Fear that it happen again or rejection they would not be interested in a who was a little heavy and low self esteem. But then one day I took a change in a fedish on line site and I placed an add and left on a trip to tje west coast. When I returned 2 people answered me and I wrote to them both. The only 1 answered me back. With in a short time we met, dated and now I am married to him for 17 years. You never know.
 
The Bluefoot said:
I love looking at twinks, nothing wrong with dreaming actual it's health and normal. Straights look at girls, gay at guys and bi guys at both. And on line I used to talk to hot looking guys thou never hooked up with any. I guess that wad the abuse side of me. Fear that it happen again or rejection they would not be interested in a who was a little heavy and low self esteem. But then one day I took a change in a fedish on line site and I placed an add and left on a trip to tje west coast. When I returned 2 people answered me and I wrote to them both. The only 1 answered me back. With in a short time we met, dated and now I am married to him for 17 years. You never know.
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I love hearing how people meet. I am happy for you and your husband.
 
Saythatagain said:
It’s odd, I also get anxiety around other guys and like you especially if there is a group of them. My anxiety kept me from playing sports and I quit band when it hit time to go to marching camp. I’m 45 and crave if not fantasize what my life could have been. Had my mother not pulled me out of soccer after getting kicked. Had I been pushed to do things with others. Ugh
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Your comment wondering what would have been if you had been pushed to do things with other resonated with me. For a while last year I wondered what might have been different if I had engaged more with other boys when I was a boy. I shrunk back from other boys. I was not good at sports and related better to girls than the boys. At one time I was pissed at my younger self for not 'manning up' and getting in there. My heart has softened toward him. My younger self was a sweet boy. He was kind and funny and friendly. And he did a hell of a job growing up under horrible circumstances. I am proud of him now.
 
@onlyakid Being sexually attracted to a particular type of person isn't unusual. So perhaps there is nothing unusual about your attraction to college men. Your anxiety around them though may suggest something worth exploring.

As far as getting to know your therapist before diving in made me chuckle. I went to a therapist in my mid-20's. At the first session I laid out the issues I was struggling with. He actually laughed out loud and said "I have never had a client lay it all out in the first session. Let's get going". I kinda did that with my current counselor telling him my issues in an email before our first session. We have been going full steam ever since.
 
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