General Thoughts to Share You and I Carry a Huge Load of Loss & Grief - And Often Don't Know It
I commented to my T today: "When I started on this healing journey, I had no idea how big loss & grief were as a part of CSA." Because loss & grief - for us - are huge. They impact our relationships and ability to function. The underlying sense of loss in us drives much of the pain we feel from CSA. We didn't know or understand this as kids, because as kids - life just happened and became our "normal." Therefore, as kids, we also didn't grieve any of those losses. Instead, we have carried them - hidden deep inside - our whole lives.
My T also pointed out that life events can impact and grow our sense of loss & grief. One of the things I've really been struggling with is the childhood loss of intimate relationship with my parents because of the abuse. It's a little more confusing for me since the loss was initiated by my dad as my abuser, but that loss is still deeply felt towards both my parents. And it grew when I became a dad myself. I was determined to have an affectionate, loving, supportive relationship with my kids, and I did. Thereby, I learned up close what my parent-child relationship could have been with my parents. This just definitely increased the sense of loss of what I didn't have growing up.
When people come to this website, the largest rocks hitting them in the face are usually:
My T also pointed out that life events can impact and grow our sense of loss & grief. One of the things I've really been struggling with is the childhood loss of intimate relationship with my parents because of the abuse. It's a little more confusing for me since the loss was initiated by my dad as my abuser, but that loss is still deeply felt towards both my parents. And it grew when I became a dad myself. I was determined to have an affectionate, loving, supportive relationship with my kids, and I did. Thereby, I learned up close what my parent-child relationship could have been with my parents. This just definitely increased the sense of loss of what I didn't have growing up.
When people come to this website, the largest rocks hitting them in the face are usually:
- The need to tell someone who understands - what happened to us
- Same sex attraction & sexual identity issues
- Re-enacting the abuse & acting out (in one or more of several possible ways)
- Problems with sexual intimacy in relationships
- Problems with non-sexual intimacy in relationships
- Addictions and self-destructive behavior
- The loss of a "witness" (someone to see us as kids, to recognize the abuse, to get us out of it, to understand and help comfort) - drives our want & need to tell someone who understands what happened to us
- CSA caused us to lose our ability to grow our own sexual identity. It was lost; many come here sexually confused
- Acting out and re-enacting the abuse as kids was driven by the desire for (non-sexual) love, affection, and attention. Because it was lost when we were sexually perpetrated upon. We sought it out elsewhere, from someone else, only to find that non-sexual love, affection and attention was not to be found there either
- We lost (or severely handicapped) our ability to connect with someone else in intimate, sexual and non-sexual ways out of self-protection, as we walled people off from us
- Addictions & self-destructive behaviors are the result of a loss of hope and the need to escape the deep pain that is felt because of CSA
"I have never, ever experienced something like I did today. I kept thinking of 'triggering' – although most of the time triggers are in reference to some memories of actual abuse that can cause other people to recall their own or can send them into all sorts of emotional turmoil. This was definitely triggering to me, because it touched so deeply and heavily on the loss that has been buried so, so deeply in my heart.
I was reading @C. E. (Chase Eric)'s story, and I got to the part where he talked about what he lost with his parents because of the emotional walls he built up between them. And I started bawling. And I mean bawling – uncontrollably. I was unaware of what was even happening within me, consciously thinking, 'What is going on?' But the bawling continued. I headed up to my room because for some reason it seems like a more private place to lose it even though I was the only one in the house. And I continued to sob, bawl, and even wail a little bit from the deep, deep loss within me I was feeling – without really understanding it (for 45 minutes).
I experienced these things at the time:
- I finally grieved the loss of my parents and relationship that boy has always wanted, longed for, and has never given up hope for
- I felt that grief so deeply and conversed with my younger self – telling him how very sorry I was, but that what he longed and hoped for was gone. It’s lost – and cannot be recovered
- I longed to be comforted in the moment – to be held. But no one was around. The only person I wanted was my wife – I wanted her SO badly, to hold me in my grief while it poured out like a never-ending faucet
- So instead, I tried to comfort my younger self… myself. I told him how much I loved him. How I desperately wish I could have been there with him. That I would have loved him, protected him, and spent time with him doing fun things – bringing him joy
- While having that conversation with him, I also felt deep guilt. What Chase said about building that wall that kept him from his dad – I (my adult self; adaptive self) felt such guilt and sorrow that I kept my younger self from being able to experience love, joy, and intimacy – especially with our parents
- However, I couldn’t get over the “twisted” nature of that – the fact that the longing was for someone who actually caused me to build that wall. It’s too circular to make real sense out of
- I ended the conversation by telling my younger self how much I wanted him back in my life. I don’t want him relegated behind that wall of safety. I want him out, free, and able to live life to its fullest
I prayed in the midst of it all as well, asking God to help. Mostly – to help me keep present in this moment, to help me feel more alongside what was pouring out of me.
Letter to My Younger Self
Then I put this onto paper because I didn’t want to end my conversation:
“Dear (Younger Self),
This is the adult you. I want to tell you how very, very sorry I am. I am the adaptive part of you who kept you safe all these years. I know you are heartbroken. I know you wish none of this had ever happened. That you wish your parents had loved and protected and nurtured you. Instead, they hurt you. Dad – because of what he did. Mom – because of her inaction during and after. You lost so much, man.
I love you very much. I wish I could go back to when you were a boy so I could protect you, love on you, and do so much fun & cool stuff together. You and I would have had so much fun. Instead, I protected you. I built walls to keep out the abuse and the hurt. And I feel like I have robbed you of so much. I feel your loss today. And I know the biggest loss you feel is the loss of intimate relationship with your parents. I am so sorry. And I can’t help but feel that it’s my fault. But like I told you earlier – what could have been with your parents… is lost. It’s gone – forever. For that I am deeply devastated and my heart burns with hurt. We can never recover or restore what we really long for.
So, will you please forgive me? Will you please forgive me for creating walls that robbed from you the possibility of love and intimacy, and instead left you alone, isolated, and forgotten?
I love you. And I desperately want you back in my life. So you can bring us all the things our T has pointed to – learning to trust and not be afraid, learning to play again freely… unencumbered by fear or hesitation. I know you are still in there and I really, really want you to come forward into my life again. I will still keep you safe, but not by relegating you to only safe places and times.
Last, I want you to have a voice again. I feel myself talking to you, but I would love to hear what you have to say, feel, and think.
Love,
(Your Adult Self)”