Consequences of Premature Sexuality
@davids1, @DanielQ432, @B06SAJ,
This is a great discussion. You guys are highlighting what so many others have shared when discussing the consequences of their abuse and what they struggle with. This would be a great post to pin in the Introductions forum. Pulled from your posts, something like this:
The more I learn about CSA in general, the more posts I read by guys here, and the more I get to know myself - the more I have realized that the template for CSA consequences is pretty consistent. There are variations, dependent upon the individual, external factors (support from others, life events, etc.), the severity of the trauma / abuse, who the abuser was (parent, family, sibling, peer / friend, random stranger), but by and large - we all suffer with all these things to some degree of severity.
I can confidently tell you:
This is a great discussion. You guys are highlighting what so many others have shared when discussing the consequences of their abuse and what they struggle with. This would be a great post to pin in the Introductions forum. Pulled from your posts, something like this:
If you have suffered Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA), regardless who the abuser was, you likely are suffering with some or all of the following:
- Carrying the shame of enjoying what happened to you
- Wanting the CSA scenario to happen again (repeating the abuse) with yourself in one of multiple roles (victim, perpetrator, witness)
- Same sex attraction, especially in the context of repeating the abuse
- Body shame
- Guilt for what happened - both the CSA and sexual acting out (repeating the abuse)
- Self hate
- Sexual fantasies based in the abuse
- Self blame for the fact you didn’t fight back when the CSA occurred
- Anger
- Fear of being explicit about sexual abuse with others / therapists
- Struggle to break the symbiosis caused by feeling that you deserved what I got
- Loneliness & isolation
- Feeling somewhat empty and bereft after therapy that dissolved the sexual fantasies about repeating the abuse
I can confidently tell you:
- The CSA was not your fault, no matter your physical and emotional enjoyment of it and no matter if you returned to your abuser:
- Think about the first time you were abused (if you can). How did you feel? The fear, the revulsion, the unwillingness to participate with your abuse sexually represent your true desire and feelings about the abuse. We adapt to survive to the point where we will stuff the fear, the anger, the revulsion - but those feelings are all still there
- Kids are natural optimists. How many times did you return to your abuser to seek out the attention and to fill your emotional tank - with the hope in the back of your mind that, "Maybe things won't turn sexual this time?" You didn't want the sex - not really
- You were a kid / teen. And while as teens, we think we are adult and capable of making our own choices - we aren't. The adult (or older peer) in the situation owned that responsibility due to the age and power difference
- The shame and guilt is not yours to own. I love the picture of wrapping up the shame and guilt of CSA in a package and handing it back to your abuser. Even better - think about standing face to face with your abuser, holding a mirror up. The abuser is sending you shame and guilt through the atmosphere, but you put that mirror up between you and the shame and guilt bounces right back to them - where it belongs
- You are not alone in this. We suffer together here, and we also encourage and heal together here
- Healing requires the help of a witness - usually a qualified therapist. Therapists trained in counseling CSA survivors and trained to help trauma survivors is crucial. Cognitive based therapists who only want to focus on the behaviors in the here and now don't address the root trauma issues. That said, it's not either / or - it's both:
- We need to investigate the abuse and the trauma that happened in the past, to uncover that child in us - how he felt, what he thought, so we can provide comfort, affirmation and healing for him. But we also must make choices about our thoughts and actions in order to implement life-long change that has been enabled by addressing the trauma