Struggling (TRIGGERS POSSIBLE IN FOLLOWING POSTS)
aryanscrystallinenebula
Registrant
Oh how I wished I had herd those words.
My dad never said he ever loved me, ever. That man was cold hearted when I was growing up. He'd beat me so hard when I was a toddler, a young kid and even as a teen. And if I started to cry, he'd beat me harder. He was that first man that would tell me to man up and stop crying. It became difficult to express my pain around him. Expressing my pain to him would mean humiliating myself. So I blocked all my feelings around him. I did become bitter from him beating me like he did.
Then about the time I had my first child (a daughter) he began to change. Then I had a whole house full of kids. He's a different man because of my kids. He softened.
So the day of my assault, when he said he loved me and that he couldn't stand around and do nothing if I'm hurting, was a complete shock to me. That was remarkable to me. I was going to allow him to check me anyhow. I knew I needed help. It's just that a man don't want his dad to examine him knowing he just got raped by a bunch of men. My dad was quite professional about it as if he was treating a stranger. After however, he told me that I was going to become depressed and possibly overwhelmed and that he would be there for me if I needed to talk about it. I believe that I lost a part of me that day when those men raped me. I've still been unable to find that man I was. But I did find something I wasn't even looking for, my father's love. Maybe he loved me the whole time. I just never saw it.
Though, my dad and wife are the last persons I would talk about this rape to. I know they can handle it. But it disturbs me to know they know.
Nature is where the Creator/God lives, so much out there to help you ground yourself. I like to sit with my back up against a big old tree and close my eyes and imagine what it has seen in its days standing there. I have other things I do when out in nature that helps me get through my days. I also like nature in the night, I am not able to do that anymore but was some of the best times walking out int he forest at night with no lights.
I intend to find some healing out there in the woods. I've been walking my husky near the woods. I love the trees and can't wait for all the leaves to come back. I go out there to try to think about something beautiful and natural. I do that when I become overwhelmed with memories of the assault.