Struggling (TRIGGERS POSSIBLE IN FOLLOWING POSTS)

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

Oh how I wished I had herd those words.

My dad never said he ever loved me, ever. That man was cold hearted when I was growing up. He'd beat me so hard when I was a toddler, a young kid and even as a teen. And if I started to cry, he'd beat me harder. He was that first man that would tell me to man up and stop crying. It became difficult to express my pain around him. Expressing my pain to him would mean humiliating myself. So I blocked all my feelings around him. I did become bitter from him beating me like he did.

Then about the time I had my first child (a daughter) he began to change. Then I had a whole house full of kids. He's a different man because of my kids. He softened.

So the day of my assault, when he said he loved me and that he couldn't stand around and do nothing if I'm hurting, was a complete shock to me. That was remarkable to me. I was going to allow him to check me anyhow. I knew I needed help. It's just that a man don't want his dad to examine him knowing he just got raped by a bunch of men. My dad was quite professional about it as if he was treating a stranger. After however, he told me that I was going to become depressed and possibly overwhelmed and that he would be there for me if I needed to talk about it. I believe that I lost a part of me that day when those men raped me. I've still been unable to find that man I was. But I did find something I wasn't even looking for, my father's love. Maybe he loved me the whole time. I just never saw it.

Though, my dad and wife are the last persons I would talk about this rape to. I know they can handle it. But it disturbs me to know they know.

Nature is where the Creator/God lives, so much out there to help you ground yourself. I like to sit with my back up against a big old tree and close my eyes and imagine what it has seen in its days standing there. I have other things I do when out in nature that helps me get through my days. I also like nature in the night, I am not able to do that anymore but was some of the best times walking out int he forest at night with no lights.

I intend to find some healing out there in the woods. I've been walking my husky near the woods. I love the trees and can't wait for all the leaves to come back. I go out there to try to think about something beautiful and natural. I do that when I become overwhelmed with memories of the assault.

 

[Jim1104]

Jake

Just finished what you wrote. Sorry I did not see it sooner. It had to be excruciating writing it out. I am soooooooooooooo sorry you went through it. I understand your hate. You have every right to hate him. Strange is right. What you wrote was so brave. I am proud to know a man who can open up like that.

Let out the pain as much as you can, as you can. Don't let those SOBs have any power over you. I hope what you wrote helped you and you are in a good place now.

Bless you brother.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

It is amazing that you were able to power through the emotions and the sickness and you accomplished reading him what happened! Very courageous job.
No wonder you needed to sleep when you were done.
I often had to sleep in the car for awhile before I was able to drive home.
I think your brain shuts down and does a hard reboot. Let's it work its way through the trauma.
Again. Great job!

You are absolutely right, Toad. My body was exerting so much energy just sitting there shivering, teeth chattering, I swear that is why I needed to rest so badly.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

Jake

Just finished what you wrote. Sorry I did not see it sooner. It had to be excruciating writing it out. I am soooooooooooooo sorry you went through it. I understand your hate. You have every right to hate him. Strange is right. What you wrote was so brave. I am proud to know a man who can open up like that.

Let out the pain as much as you can, as you can. Don't let those SOBs have any power over you. I hope what you wrote helped you and you are in a good place now.

Bless you brother.

Hey Jim. How is it going for you brother? I think this whole time I've been trying in all my power not to allow him to have power over me. He seemed to do so many things to get me to feel like he was taking my power away from me. All those things still plague my nightmares, my dreams and when I just sit and ponder.

I suppose it's taken me a few months to feel like I still have some power over myself. I chose to come here. I chose to go to a therapist. That's me exercising my own power of making choices.

I feel good right now. I'm watching my high school boys play video games. They rough house each other from time to time and I have to tear them apart if they start fighting. I have a couple that like to go at each other. And at the same time I have another son and a daughter in the same room that actually do their homework. They're being good. These children of mine are the ones that give me any sense of pride. That man couldn't take that away from me. These are my kids. I love them. They are my pride.

I know Damian's dad took things from me or at least made it look as if he did. But I said this before, I already won against him. I'm here. I'm in therapy. I'm a survivor. I'm not giving up.

Thanks for the kind words @Jim1104

 

[Jim1104]

Jake

I wanted to say one or two things but did not have time earlier.

First, I am glad you are moving. The first thing I wondered about was how could you even go into that office. It took guts to go in there. When I was robbed in a Frat house with a gun to my head, I spent months sitting across the street staring at it. Unable to go in.

Finally when people came back For fall semester I was able to sleep there because people I knew and trusted were there. So, I am glad you can move.

Second, you asked if after 8 1/2 weeks should you be able to open up and disclose details (at least thats what I read into it.) My answer is no. This is so deeply personal, 8 plus weeks is not long. My T told me today she had a client she had been seeing for years wh still can't articulate. You offered alot to your T and that is fantastic. Don't push yourself. You deserve to go at your own pace. Do what feels right to you.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

First, I am glad you are moving. The first thing I wondered about was how could you even go into that office. It took guts to go in there. When I was robbed in a Frat house with a gun to my head, I spent months sitting across the street staring at it. Unable to go in.

@Jim1104

After the rape I had requested leave for a month. So I gave myself some time to work up my strength to go back. However, I would puke every time I'd get to the hospital. It was pretty bad. I wasn't able to stomach going into my office without having panic attacks. I'd throw up a lot. Do you know how that looks to the other doctors and nurses that are there? They thought something was wrong with me. Something was wrong with me. Just not what they will ever know of. They saw me having serious attacks and having to throw up quite a lot. The chief surgeon here thought maybe I had been misusing prescription drugs. He thought I was doing drugs! I explained to him that I was having anxiety attacks. So that's when I made the request to change the office. It was no easy thing.

Second, you asked if after 8 1/2 weeks should you be able to open up and disclose details (at least thats what I read into it.) My answer is no. This is so deeply personal, 8 plus weeks is not long. My T told me today she had a client she had been seeing for years wh still can't articulate. You offered alot to your T and that is fantastic. Don't push yourself. You deserve to go at your own pace. Do what feels right to you.

I felt pressured to man. My anxiety levels are so high. My wife, my dad, my boss...they all know something to a degree. And I feel like I have to fix it right now. But I'm not emotionally capable to handle that kind of stress to move so quickly. My therapist told me that we're going to stop for awhile on this part of what I read to him. He wants me to get more relaxed. So that's what I'm going to do. Most everyone who knows me knows I'm usually very calm and comical. I haven't been calm or comical, witty like I used to be.

People on my team do things by the book because I make a fuss if they do anything unethical in appearance or if they slack off and don't do thorough work. But ever since this happened I've not been focusing like I used to. I haven't been paying mind to my staff. A pain management doctor has to be focused on his staff to make sure everything is done correctly. I have no choices but to address this bomb that went off in my life to shatter me. I need to be responsible at work and at home. That's the vibe I've been getting from everyone in my life. I had someone write me in private message at this place and told me if I didn't do something therapeutic about this now, then something could happen to remove me from my work as a doctor.

Now, I didn't like the threatening sound of that. But the vibe I'm getting from everyone in my life is for me to get on the ball about fixing myself. It's a lot of pressure man. My therapist, he's a good therapist. He's not going to push me. He slows me down when he thinks it's right. And he's slowing me down now so I can reflect on everything I've said up to now. I've only read a letter to him. Not spoke about my feelings of those things. My point of getting past this first part is paramount in me getting some sense of accomplishment so that I can move forwards really. I might never ever talk about the rape. I might not ever ever talk about that rape.

This is what happens when people know you've been raped; and you're a professional physician. Now they can hold your license over your head and dangle it if they think you're too messed up. This is why I never wanted my boss to know. I shouldn't have to tell people I don't want to know. I'm in a position where I have to either fix myself or just let myself completely forget. But my mind won't allow me to forget. I get all emotional about all of this. I get defensive when I think someone might be ridiculing me as a father or as a physician.

I go at my own pace for my therapist and for myself. I read that letter to my doctor to feel like I accomplished something. It's difficult to verbalize all of this. But when it comes to home and work...they want me on my toes and focused. There's no room for me to be ill. That's why I see my therapist twice a week.

Thanks Jim for sharing your thoughts. And you're absolutely right. I agree with you man.

 

[Dolphin42]

Jake, I'm so sorry you've been going through psychopathic abuse along with sexual abuse. I can relate to the difficulty of speaking about certain abuse, it is very hard sometimes, and my T has been helping me prepare, slowly more resources to handle the flashbacks and memories. For me it was nearly impossible to find words at first to describe what 3 older boys did to me for months after school when I was a 3rd grader, events forgotten for nearly 50 years. Be patient with yourself, be compassionate, this is hard stuff. Forgetting will not work in the long run, the body remembers even if the mind forgets, and the body will trigger the clueless mind forever after. You spent too long educating and training yourself to let this sacrifice your goals. The psychopath will win then. Healing is possible, but it isn't linear with time and T appts.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

Jake, I'm so sorry you've been going through psychopathic abuse along with sexual abuse. I can relate to the difficulty of speaking about certain abuse, it is very hard sometimes, and my T has been helping me prepare, slowly more resources to handle the flashbacks and memories. For me it was nearly impossible to find words at first to describe what 3 older boys did to me for months after school when I was a 3rd grader, events forgotten for nearly 50 years. Be patient with yourself, be compassionate, this is hard stuff. Forgetting will not work in the long run, the body remembers even if the mind forgets, and the body will trigger the clueless mind forever after. You spent too long educating and training yourself to let this sacrifice your goals. The psychopath will win then. Healing is possible, but it isn't linear with time and T appts.

Thanks for the words of support @Dolphin42 It's much appreciated. I'm sorry for what happened to you as a child. I sympathize for anyone who was molested or raped as a child. The fact that you've had to live with that for so long is beyond my comprehension, but not beyond my compassion. I certainly can feel empathy for you.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I don't understand the psychopathic abuse he caused me. It was a shock to me to endure someone's pleasure in causing me pain and humiliation. Just knowing I couldn't move, he was demanding me to do things that I never do, like trying to purposefully make me pee myself, using bugs to torture me, or biting my fingers to the bones, showing me how big his eyes get. Then demonically saying words over and over laying this mine field in my mind. Yeah that qualifies him as a psychopath. When he was doing that I thought he was just trying humiliate me for helping his son. I didn't have any clue that he was going to rape and jerk me like he did.

I tried to forget all about this. I tried to do yard work and gardening, running, doing housework, I even did some computational puzzles from one of my old physics books. Tried to get my mind off the assault. I was getting back into the Mars space program trying to think on anything else. It works for a minute. Music helps a little. Some music disturbs me. Don't ask me how that happens. I have no clue. There is some music that really disturbs me to listen to. And I don't know why. But I started listening to The Four Tops. I feel better when I listen to them. I've resorted to listening to music my dad had around the house when I was a kid. That kind of music can be therapeutic for me.

As far as healing goes all I can do is reach to anything that can help me. I've never felt so desperate, so needy, so fractured in my life. I continue coming to this place to see if I can still express myself. Thanks @Dolphin42 for your words.

 

[Dolphin42]

As far as healing goes all I can do is reach to anything that can help me. I've never felt so desperate, so needy, so fractured in my life. I continue coming to this place to see if I can still express myself.

Your pain is palpable. I wish I knew more to help you. You deserve proper care for those awful & traumatic events, I hope you can get more relief soon.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

Your pain is palpable. I wish I knew more to help you. You deserve proper care for those awful & traumatic events, I hope you can get more relief soon.

Ah, all you guys are helpful to me man. You don't know what it means to me for all of you to accept me after seeing me write you what he and those gorillas did to me. I just want to feel like I'm ok. That I'm going to be ok. Seeing other men here who've been through similar experiences helps me to empathize and to feel like I can help support someone too.

My kids and my wife and my God...they save me every day.

 

[Dolphin42]

I don't understand the psychopathic abuse he caused me.

It doesn't make sense except to the psychopath.

 

[aryanscrystallinenebula]

It doesn't make sense except to the psychopath.

Maybe so @Dolphin42. I feel like I need to understand though. Maybe the behaviors only make sense to the perpetrator. But just the same...that man's words go round and round in my head because that's what he wanted. His words cut me like a knife. And I'm having to live with that 24/7. Which somehow I partly blame myself for. It makes no sense why I need to understand. I've been trying to understand though, everything, since that night. What he did, what they did and what I did. I blame myself more than him some times. So this is why I have to understand. Of course, it'll come out eventually with my therapist. If I get brave enough.

 

[Esterio]

If I get brave enough.

You are already a BRAVE and COURAGES man. Go and read back and see what you have been sharing. Don't cut your self short.You are a good man with a good head pm his shoulder, be kind to yourself you are a survivor.

 

[RavenMoon]

TRIGGERS>>>>>>>>>>>>To those with trigger issues>>>>>> Please don't read this. 'this shit is painful to me right now. I know if you ever had this happen you might feel some awful shit. So don't read it. Please don't

Ok, this is disturbing man. I think I'm losing my grip guys. I'm falling apart while typing this out. And I often accuse myself with, "What kind of man am I if I can't stand up?" I feel like with everything I remember, recollect or survey that he is banging the backs of my knees to make my knees bend to force me to fall to the ground. He kept doing that. He wouldn't let me get off my knees at the beginning. I didn't remember that. I started to remember it when I was typing what his son told me he used to do when his dad would come to his room at night and then how he'd drag him outside to their barn if his mama was home. I remember when he told me what his dad did. Goddamn....I didn't believe him. I thought it was a damn metaphor or something. I thought that it didn't really happen. I just remembered something tonight in the middle of posting a reply to someone here at the forum. And it was intense.! I don't know how I could have forgotten this. How can I forget something so plain as day and something that just happened?

Bugs. They were bugs. f=Fucking Bugs!!! Goddamn bugs!!

I was made to fall to my knees at first when I got in my office. They grabbed me and Damian's dad kicked the back of my knees and it made me fall to my knees. Then the gorillas started beating me. Damian's dad was slapping the hell out of my face. He kept sayin "CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY!" His fucking eyes were crazy and they wanted to kill me. His face was shaking when he'd scream "CRY!!!!" He sounded like a demon guys. I don't know how else to describe him. Man I was doing everything in my power not to cry. I grunted. I didn't cry. No matter how hard he slap me!

Then he made them pin me and he say "soak your britches". Then he started in his demonic voice saying it He kept trying to get me to piss myself. Like this was right as soon as I got in my office. And he's like tugging on my pants legs mad at me cause I coiuldn't do what he say. I can't say it. He said it over and over and over and over and over and ovwe and over in my ear. The demon was saying it in my ear and touching me that goddamn fucker. I wouldn't piss man. I couldnt' I'm getting old. This kind of stress was too much for me. I couldn't just do it like that. I couldn't. I couldn't do it. Then he bit my arms and fingers sinking his teeth in to draw blood like some vampire. He had blood coming from his mouth dripping on me. I finally heard myself crying. And I ain't heard myself cry like that since my dad beat me with a belt when I was 4. And I still wouldk not piss man. I did NOT fucking believe Damian when he told me about the bugs man, I

Damian's dad took out a goddamn jar from a bag. Oh my god I'm sorry. Fuckin thing was loaded with centipedes and millipedes. /Goddamn had to stop typing to have a panic attack. My wife thinks I'm having a heart attack. I can;t say it. He put them all over me!!1 And the fuckers were fuking long he put them inside my clothes and all over me. I cant' remember. I can't remember. I can't remember it. Fuck Nope. No words. I don't remember the shit he say to me.!!!1 He can go fuck himself !!!!!!!, I hate the fucker! He said it. That means he broke me right then.I was looking round my room at the walls and flinching looking every where for those bugs. I didn 't see where they go. I thought they went inside me. I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that. But I thought it when I was laying there. I blacked out on that floor I think. I passed out starting at that point. And he said it in my ears and he was telling me (and I told you guys what he say to me before.) while he was admonishing me. Ok ok ok ok. Ok? Ok? I can't say anything more about thast and I won't!! Not tonight. So fucked up cause I have to go to work. I havec to get up at 7 and go itoi that damn office and I can't go in there. Not when those bugs there.

Anyhow. I thought Damian was saying it like it was a metaphor. And he kept putting gifs of centipedes and millipedes all over Eminem's twitter page. When he did that I knew something was wrong with him but I didn't know this shit man. This is fuckin crazy. I didn't know it was real. I didn't!!! I believe him now. This is why I can't remember everything clearly. I went unconscious for half the rapes those animals did. God please dont make me remember those parts I can't remember.

My wife is demanding I let her in. So that she don't have to call an ambulance on me thinking I'm having a heart attack I'm gonna let her in, She don't need to see me like this. My woman tends to cry if she see her man crying. So she's not going to see that. I wish I smoked pot. I need some right now. I need some whiskey right now.

Maybe my woman can't see me like this. But you can see it. I;m so sorry. I'm being such a coward. I'm not strong. I'm breaking. I wish I couldk do this like you guys. You guys are so strong when you write. He fucked wit me. I don't know how you did it. i don't

I hate him. I HATE HIM

Later man No sleep for me. This is why I can't remember everything clearly

I can't believe this just happened to you out of the blue like this. He was casing you and stalking you wasn't he? He made you feel in that amount of time in that moment (all compressed and compacted, condensed) like my grampy made me feel all my childhood. Except I just pretended it didn't happen. I'd convinced myself it didn't happen and that I had someone else comfortable I could be. But you? You were already comfortable with who you were. He took you and trampled all over you in your confidence and humiliated you so you wouldn't talk. You have to know you have this strong will radiating from you, right? You've got this established sense of self and you are raging because you're scared of losing that.

Well I believe you'll find your sense of comfort again. Because you'll remember yourself and your established confidence. If you don't now, you will.

I never was established as myself nor had confidence in myself. I just got comfortable with my made up persona. That made me feel better. I did what I had to, to survive. And somehow, I'm old now and finally came full circle. Started out alone and ended up alone. But here I am. I believe you are going to make it, friend. I did. I made it. Even if I wasn't being real, I made it.