Boyfriend having sex with men and women, says it's to re-live childhood trauma
blinded
Registrant
I am new to all of this. Met an amazing man 5 months ago, have fallen madly in love with him but he's an alcoholic and fighting childhood trauma that's the source of his drinking. He was repeatedly raped between ages of 8-12 by multiple people, men and women.
He was dry/sober the first 3 months of our relationship, then started drinking end of October.
5 weeks ago he came over, fell asleep on my couch for 3 hours. I was reading an al-anon blog about her husband drinking and hooking up with X-s, so I started wondering if my BF was doing the same. I went to hang up his jacket and his phone was on bench. He has a password and face id, but when I picked it up...as fate would have it, it was not locked even though it had been sitting idle for a few hours.
I did what I have NEVER done in any relationship in my life, I looked through his text messages. I found a string of messages from a couple he hooked up with the week prior. It was a couple he’s hooked up with in the past, from what I read they hadn’t hooked up in almost a year. Text exchanges had explicit details planning the encounter, what they would all do to each other and photos/videos from past encounters. So not only did I find out he cheated on me, but he did with a man and woman.
When he woke up, I confronted him, he said it's his illness...part of his childhood trauma that led him to being an alcoholic, to numb his 24/7 pain. He's in therapy for his trauma and swears his "sexual urges" don't mean anything, just sex, his need to re-live his rape trauma. He says he’s not gay or bi, that he doesn’t desire anyone but me…but it’s impossible for me to wrap my head around it and details of everything they did to each other. He texted the couple the next morning about how "spectacular it was" along with details of what he loved.
He wasn’t drunk when he was with them, so how can he claim that he doesn’t desire others when he clearly chose to be with them...and enjoyed it the way he did? I’m no prude, we had a mind blowing sexual relationship, open to anything. Ironically it was the safest sexual relationship I had ever felt in my life, and he was the first man ever to cheat on me.
He went through days of self-loathing and says he’s ready to face his demons with his trauma therapist…something he’s never done b/c it’s too painful.
I haven't slept in weeks, I feel disgusted and ashamed that I ever believed his love for me. I’m trying to educate myself to understand his alcohol addiction and trauma, but for him to ask me for unconditional love that includes infidelity...that I can't tolerate, I don’t trust him anymore.
He's fighting tooth and nail for me, says he's been sober and taking all the steps to stay sober. I want to believe him, but think it's just a vicious cycle? I'm too ashamed to tell any of my girlfriends b/c they would tell me to run...which my brain is also telling me but my heart still loves him immensely.
What should I believe??? How can he say he doesn't desire anyone, especially men, when he enjoyed it so much and was planning another evening with them the following week?
Grateful for anyone’s insight, guidance.
He was dry/sober the first 3 months of our relationship, then started drinking end of October.
5 weeks ago he came over, fell asleep on my couch for 3 hours. I was reading an al-anon blog about her husband drinking and hooking up with X-s, so I started wondering if my BF was doing the same. I went to hang up his jacket and his phone was on bench. He has a password and face id, but when I picked it up...as fate would have it, it was not locked even though it had been sitting idle for a few hours.
I did what I have NEVER done in any relationship in my life, I looked through his text messages. I found a string of messages from a couple he hooked up with the week prior. It was a couple he’s hooked up with in the past, from what I read they hadn’t hooked up in almost a year. Text exchanges had explicit details planning the encounter, what they would all do to each other and photos/videos from past encounters. So not only did I find out he cheated on me, but he did with a man and woman.
When he woke up, I confronted him, he said it's his illness...part of his childhood trauma that led him to being an alcoholic, to numb his 24/7 pain. He's in therapy for his trauma and swears his "sexual urges" don't mean anything, just sex, his need to re-live his rape trauma. He says he’s not gay or bi, that he doesn’t desire anyone but me…but it’s impossible for me to wrap my head around it and details of everything they did to each other. He texted the couple the next morning about how "spectacular it was" along with details of what he loved.
He wasn’t drunk when he was with them, so how can he claim that he doesn’t desire others when he clearly chose to be with them...and enjoyed it the way he did? I’m no prude, we had a mind blowing sexual relationship, open to anything. Ironically it was the safest sexual relationship I had ever felt in my life, and he was the first man ever to cheat on me.
He went through days of self-loathing and says he’s ready to face his demons with his trauma therapist…something he’s never done b/c it’s too painful.
I haven't slept in weeks, I feel disgusted and ashamed that I ever believed his love for me. I’m trying to educate myself to understand his alcohol addiction and trauma, but for him to ask me for unconditional love that includes infidelity...that I can't tolerate, I don’t trust him anymore.
He's fighting tooth and nail for me, says he's been sober and taking all the steps to stay sober. I want to believe him, but think it's just a vicious cycle? I'm too ashamed to tell any of my girlfriends b/c they would tell me to run...which my brain is also telling me but my heart still loves him immensely.
What should I believe??? How can he say he doesn't desire anyone, especially men, when he enjoyed it so much and was planning another evening with them the following week?
Grateful for anyone’s insight, guidance.