Former Air Force dependent. Heavy Trigger.
Was heavily abused, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually, from about age 6 to17 by C/MST father.
Real mother committed suicide when I was only one and a half. Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (he surely had a hand in it)
Two siblings deceased. "Crib Death". Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (I remember two occasions being smothered with a pillow)
Step mother hated me; I was not her child. She was an accomplice, often goading him into beating me, as well as an occasional smack upside my head with an iron skillet.
No one to turn to; even a "trusted" neighbor ratted me out after I told them. I got severely punished for that.
My other siblings were abused, as well, in various degrees. I was the oldest, so I got the worst.
I'm no angel. I got into as much petty trouble as I could, (and one serious incident) to draw attention to him. I was headed down a very dark path, until I finally got kicked out while overseas. ("you are not going to ruin my career"). Free at last!
After that came several decades of severe depression, even a couple suicide attempts; once by drug overdose, another by Russian roulette. For some reason, it wasn't meant for me.
I've engaged in a long list of risky behavior. Nothing super serious though, except for stealing, and wrecking a car when I was 15. I was sent to county jail. I won't get into what happened there, in this thread.
Managed to finally get most of the memories into a box in the back of my head, though triggers abound.
I'm now a retired, married, aloof and reclusive hermit. Estranged from my birth family, by choice. I dislike social interactions and crowds. I have very deep seated trust issues. I've found my "happy space", though it comes with a cost.
Therapy? Phhhttt!...a couple of times. An Air Force therapist, later in life, gave me the impression that he was getting off listening to my story, wanting as much sordid details as I could provide. Later, a civilian therapist made me think that all I was doing was paying her to hear myself talk. I could do that for free.
They are both gone now (parents). He's buried at Arlington. Yes, hallowed ground. Yeah, right.
I'm not here for "woe is me"...I can't talk about it with anybody, not even my wife.
Real mother committed suicide when I was only one and a half. Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (he surely had a hand in it)
Two siblings deceased. "Crib Death". Circumstances suspicious, my assessment. (I remember two occasions being smothered with a pillow)
Step mother hated me; I was not her child. She was an accomplice, often goading him into beating me, as well as an occasional smack upside my head with an iron skillet.
No one to turn to; even a "trusted" neighbor ratted me out after I told them. I got severely punished for that.
My other siblings were abused, as well, in various degrees. I was the oldest, so I got the worst.
I'm no angel. I got into as much petty trouble as I could, (and one serious incident) to draw attention to him. I was headed down a very dark path, until I finally got kicked out while overseas. ("you are not going to ruin my career"). Free at last!
After that came several decades of severe depression, even a couple suicide attempts; once by drug overdose, another by Russian roulette. For some reason, it wasn't meant for me.
I've engaged in a long list of risky behavior. Nothing super serious though, except for stealing, and wrecking a car when I was 15. I was sent to county jail. I won't get into what happened there, in this thread.
Managed to finally get most of the memories into a box in the back of my head, though triggers abound.
I'm now a retired, married, aloof and reclusive hermit. Estranged from my birth family, by choice. I dislike social interactions and crowds. I have very deep seated trust issues. I've found my "happy space", though it comes with a cost.
Therapy? Phhhttt!...a couple of times. An Air Force therapist, later in life, gave me the impression that he was getting off listening to my story, wanting as much sordid details as I could provide. Later, a civilian therapist made me think that all I was doing was paying her to hear myself talk. I could do that for free.
They are both gone now (parents). He's buried at Arlington. Yes, hallowed ground. Yeah, right.
I'm not here for "woe is me"...I can't talk about it with anybody, not even my wife.