ASA -- *triggers*
Healing light
Registrant
Not an area of my abuse I talk much about but an area that still massively effects me
Rape as a form of control. As humiliation. Often violent perpetrated by members of my family
I wrote a poem I posted here once called white walls
I wrote the poem to try and release some of the emotions relating to an occasion as an adult that I was
Kidnapped, raped, and beaten by my cousin F
For many years now I have actively avoided dealing with this area of my abuse in therapy I want to though begin to deal with it but I don't know where to start
F would regularly expect me to be involved in his criminal behaviour , selling drugs , stolen vehicles , that sort of thing hiding money, guns , drugs
as a mechanic fixing vehicles ones used to commit crimes or removing parts from stolen ones if I refused he would beat or rape me or both stating I lacked loyalty or thankfulness for what he'd done for me all my life
My life was like too polar opposites I had a honest job in a garage I studied and got a degree I was married, had friends
I glossed over family life made excuses for them when in law's, my colleagues or friends noticed something amiss
I was diagnosed with bipolar after the first time I attempted suicide
That became my excuse everytime I was depressed or stressed
I was a binge drinker and my wife became an alcoholic that addiction would play a major part in her death and my son losing his mother before he even started school I feel so sad when I look back over those years grief mingles in as no matter what I did love my wife and Even though our marriage didn't work I'd love her to still be around
I kept the secret I don't know why , kept it until history repeated itself and my cousins teenage son disclosed abuse , something I hate the truth of
17 years of abuse from F not sure I will ever unpick it all or make peace with myself
But I want to try so I wrote this
Peace
HL
Rape as a form of control. As humiliation. Often violent perpetrated by members of my family
I wrote a poem I posted here once called white walls
I wrote the poem to try and release some of the emotions relating to an occasion as an adult that I was
Kidnapped, raped, and beaten by my cousin F
For many years now I have actively avoided dealing with this area of my abuse in therapy I want to though begin to deal with it but I don't know where to start
F would regularly expect me to be involved in his criminal behaviour , selling drugs , stolen vehicles , that sort of thing hiding money, guns , drugs
as a mechanic fixing vehicles ones used to commit crimes or removing parts from stolen ones if I refused he would beat or rape me or both stating I lacked loyalty or thankfulness for what he'd done for me all my life
My life was like too polar opposites I had a honest job in a garage I studied and got a degree I was married, had friends
I glossed over family life made excuses for them when in law's, my colleagues or friends noticed something amiss
I was diagnosed with bipolar after the first time I attempted suicide
That became my excuse everytime I was depressed or stressed
I was a binge drinker and my wife became an alcoholic that addiction would play a major part in her death and my son losing his mother before he even started school I feel so sad when I look back over those years grief mingles in as no matter what I did love my wife and Even though our marriage didn't work I'd love her to still be around
I kept the secret I don't know why , kept it until history repeated itself and my cousins teenage son disclosed abuse , something I hate the truth of
17 years of abuse from F not sure I will ever unpick it all or make peace with myself
But I want to try so I wrote this
Peace
HL