I'm grateful for God's patience as well.
I only began struggling a few months ago with the fact that God knows of my abuse, "allowed" it to happen, and was even present with me through it. Before, I only blamed myself, and even though I follow Jesus and know I am His, I never considered how He might be a factor or anything like that. It was once I accepted it wasn't MY fault, what was done to me and what I was a part of, that I started to think "well then whose fault was it??" I still didn't yet blame my abuser, and so I turned that toward God. And that sucks. And it is confusing, and I feel for you and any of the other guys here who are in pain, and in doubt, and are confused by how God could allow something like this to happen, or what kind of role He did or didn't play in our suffering. It's so hard.
John 11 hit me hard one day, a few months ago. When Jesus' friend Lazarus has died, and Jesus heads to his town. And he weeps. His pain is real. His sadness and grief is real. He is witnessing the brokenness and the pain that sin has brought to God's created earth, and it makes Him weep. There are a few reasons that scholars and pastors have explained why Jesus responds this way in this moment, and it honestly has helped guide me to a different understanding of the "role" (as I've thought of it) that God had in my life, through my abuse, and through my recovery. I'm not very articulate on this, so I'll stop there. But I've appreciated this thread and hearing others working through it. I hope you all experience the peace, joy and recovery that God wants for us, and that we deserve. (Even if I am terrible at experiencing it myself.)
-BG