Women's insensitivity
SubtleStuff
Registrant
Hi Y'all,
I was up at 3am this morning writing a post related to a major hurt from my mother to which I exposed myself.
I've been pondering it. I think it is difficult for her to understand how a boy can get hurt when he is celebrated profusely for being a boy. Perhaps many women wonder "What's their (men's) problem? If I had got that kind of praise in my youth I'd be in heaven!". It mirrors the perception I've heard from #MeToo enthusiasts that "It's a man's world". "Men have it made". Given that feminine traits have been routinely undervalued for a long time, I can see how they would come to that conclusion. Their deepest wounds are emotional. Perhaps infant boys are hurt differently. In an effort to toughen us up we are starved of physical affection and told that feeling hurt, crying, being vulnerable, sensitive and emotional (with anger as the one exception) are all taboo. This leaves us deeply hurt and without access to the nurturing qualities and social connection skills that are essential to recovering from wounds.
As I work on transforming my shame of my maleness (I'm backwards to many men this way. It was a way to gain access to some positive support through my mother in infancy) I decided I would have to reframe the male identity. Culturally we've historically been Protectors, Providers, and Pursuers (of sexual partners). These are all highly competitive and require a man to avoid weakness at all cost. As a military officer, my father was an extreme example of this pattern. I think we need to embrace an identity that centers on the ability to initiate efforts to create or support harmonious relations in complex systems (body/heart/mind/spirit, social groups, & ecosystems). I can celebrate that and be proud of it.
I have to be careful of with whom I share it. Some women, (my mother is one) seem to think a man who has a strong sense of positive self worth is a good target for her anger at men. My mother has had a habit of calling me "crazy" in the past, more recently she stopped calling me "hypersensitive" when I exposed it and asked her to stop. The most recent event is related to trying to share the connection between Adverse Childhood Experiences and illness. At one point she exclaimed, "but you were so highly celebrated!" effectively silencing any argument I might have (despite strong scientific evidence by a medical doctor that the conditions of my youth might be connected to poor health).
I've given up on trying to create a healthy relationship with her. I don't think she's capable of it. She's helpful financially and I'll have to be satisfied with that. I'll have to create a close healthy sense of "family" with other people. My sister is similar. I'll probably make attempts to connect with my brother when he's around. He's fun, but there's little depth to our connection. Sigh! So much for family!
Cheers,
Garth
I was up at 3am this morning writing a post related to a major hurt from my mother to which I exposed myself.
I've been pondering it. I think it is difficult for her to understand how a boy can get hurt when he is celebrated profusely for being a boy. Perhaps many women wonder "What's their (men's) problem? If I had got that kind of praise in my youth I'd be in heaven!". It mirrors the perception I've heard from #MeToo enthusiasts that "It's a man's world". "Men have it made". Given that feminine traits have been routinely undervalued for a long time, I can see how they would come to that conclusion. Their deepest wounds are emotional. Perhaps infant boys are hurt differently. In an effort to toughen us up we are starved of physical affection and told that feeling hurt, crying, being vulnerable, sensitive and emotional (with anger as the one exception) are all taboo. This leaves us deeply hurt and without access to the nurturing qualities and social connection skills that are essential to recovering from wounds.
As I work on transforming my shame of my maleness (I'm backwards to many men this way. It was a way to gain access to some positive support through my mother in infancy) I decided I would have to reframe the male identity. Culturally we've historically been Protectors, Providers, and Pursuers (of sexual partners). These are all highly competitive and require a man to avoid weakness at all cost. As a military officer, my father was an extreme example of this pattern. I think we need to embrace an identity that centers on the ability to initiate efforts to create or support harmonious relations in complex systems (body/heart/mind/spirit, social groups, & ecosystems). I can celebrate that and be proud of it.
I have to be careful of with whom I share it. Some women, (my mother is one) seem to think a man who has a strong sense of positive self worth is a good target for her anger at men. My mother has had a habit of calling me "crazy" in the past, more recently she stopped calling me "hypersensitive" when I exposed it and asked her to stop. The most recent event is related to trying to share the connection between Adverse Childhood Experiences and illness. At one point she exclaimed, "but you were so highly celebrated!" effectively silencing any argument I might have (despite strong scientific evidence by a medical doctor that the conditions of my youth might be connected to poor health).
I've given up on trying to create a healthy relationship with her. I don't think she's capable of it. She's helpful financially and I'll have to be satisfied with that. I'll have to create a close healthy sense of "family" with other people. My sister is similar. I'll probably make attempts to connect with my brother when he's around. He's fun, but there's little depth to our connection. Sigh! So much for family!
Cheers,
Garth