My Therapy Journal
{5/8/19 - UPDATE: "Latest CSA Revelations begin at 5/7/19 and continue forward through page 2 & 3 -- before that is my Therarpy Journal and things that I was planning to discuss with my T on my next appointment (late May) ....until this new development was uncovered}
{5/13/19 - UPDATE: "Lastest CSA Revelations" - I have MOVED this portion to an entire new thread in the Members Only Section here: https://forum.malesurvivor.org/threads/camping-latest-csa-revelations.75875/ }
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Last night (4/9/19): 1st time appointment with new T (1st male)
Someone mentioned journaling after therapy appointments. I **HATE** journaling, but love to post here. So doing this instead. Maybe it will help some of you in your Healing Journey. Hope it helps me too! (I plan on adding new posts to this same thread as I go to more T sessions.)
Tuesday but was my first appointment with my new T. Also first male T (He is also a Christian T, which I prefer). He is also African-American, which is perfect, since he looks nothing like my father (triggers!), and also is not my SSA "type" (if that makes sense). First he introduced himself and his background, trying to develop trust. He said it may take a while for me to feel safe enough to open up. I thought that was hilarious since I already planned on DUMPING, he just didn't know it yet! He mentioned he had a closer professional relationship than I thought with my former T (who I very much liked. She recommended this T to me). Apparently he interned under her. And his current group also accepts my insurance - ♥Bonus♥
I spent most of the rest of the hour reading the different posts on my Signature Line here: Church Testimony, My Intro/Story, Current Struggles, DID post.
Some I hadn't read since I posted the first time. I actually surprised myself a few times by what I had written. He not only listened to my words but watched my face as I read. Good for him. He could tell when some of the words started to "get" to me. To my surprise, I did not scare him off.
We discussed specific goals. I really didn't have any other than to "get better." I mentioned my learning about PTSD/cPTSD and treatments for that. Talked a bit more about my DID stuff. Also expressed my concern that most of the symptoms of PTSD/cPTSD encompass pretty much all of my personality. I shared my concern that if it gets treated, what is left? Who is the *real* me?
Someone here recently mentioned my avatar pic. Looks like I am having fun, with a little mischief. (I was about 4, mid-jump, when the picture was taken, about a year after the abuse with perp-father.) I tell him that his description still somewhat describes me! Perhaps that really *is* the REAL me. (eyes tearing up now)
I end up outside, getting the newspapers. Our dogwood tree is in full bloom. I look and notice 1 large branch that isn't blooming at all. It must be dead. Time to prune that branch - make the tree healthier....
Funny, God! Seriously, I am dealing with this crap, wanting to get rid of it and you present me with an actual branch that needs pruning. Yes, I get it! (Yes, God has a sense of humor - thus the reason he created penguins!)
So I go ahead and get my saw and start pruning the dead tree branch (yes all of this happened just this morning). Yes I get the analogy! Time to trim the dead wood inside so I can "bloom" more strongly.
back to the T appointment... I let him know I really want to pursue treatment from a PTSD perspective. This means looking at the various treatment options available: EMDR, Somatic therapies, Touch Therapy (talk about triggering!). Also looking into faith-based treatment options.
I also want to look at the "black hole" of my memory from 1st grade. Something happened then. No idea what. But I believe it needs to be unlocked to allow me to take the next steps on my Healing Journey.
Funny, as I mention the PTSD and the "black hole" to my T, I could feel small TREMORS on my left arm (it happened twice!)! Was that real?!? Like my body was reacting to just the thought of uncovering more stuff! (eyes tearing up again)
Due to our schedules, we are only able to meet about once per month. I think that will be fine. With MS, my 2 CR meetings weekly, my monthly ASCA meetings, I have enough to keep me busy, grounded, and learning between T sessions.
{5/13/19 - UPDATE: "Lastest CSA Revelations" - I have MOVED this portion to an entire new thread in the Members Only Section here: https://forum.malesurvivor.org/threads/camping-latest-csa-revelations.75875/ }
*************************************************
Last night (4/9/19): 1st time appointment with new T (1st male)
Someone mentioned journaling after therapy appointments. I **HATE** journaling, but love to post here. So doing this instead. Maybe it will help some of you in your Healing Journey. Hope it helps me too! (I plan on adding new posts to this same thread as I go to more T sessions.)
Tuesday but was my first appointment with my new T. Also first male T (He is also a Christian T, which I prefer). He is also African-American, which is perfect, since he looks nothing like my father (triggers!), and also is not my SSA "type" (if that makes sense). First he introduced himself and his background, trying to develop trust. He said it may take a while for me to feel safe enough to open up. I thought that was hilarious since I already planned on DUMPING, he just didn't know it yet! He mentioned he had a closer professional relationship than I thought with my former T (who I very much liked. She recommended this T to me). Apparently he interned under her. And his current group also accepts my insurance - ♥Bonus♥
I spent most of the rest of the hour reading the different posts on my Signature Line here: Church Testimony, My Intro/Story, Current Struggles, DID post.
Some I hadn't read since I posted the first time. I actually surprised myself a few times by what I had written. He not only listened to my words but watched my face as I read. Good for him. He could tell when some of the words started to "get" to me. To my surprise, I did not scare him off.
We discussed specific goals. I really didn't have any other than to "get better." I mentioned my learning about PTSD/cPTSD and treatments for that. Talked a bit more about my DID stuff. Also expressed my concern that most of the symptoms of PTSD/cPTSD encompass pretty much all of my personality. I shared my concern that if it gets treated, what is left? Who is the *real* me?
Someone here recently mentioned my avatar pic. Looks like I am having fun, with a little mischief. (I was about 4, mid-jump, when the picture was taken, about a year after the abuse with perp-father.) I tell him that his description still somewhat describes me! Perhaps that really *is* the REAL me. (eyes tearing up now)
I end up outside, getting the newspapers. Our dogwood tree is in full bloom. I look and notice 1 large branch that isn't blooming at all. It must be dead. Time to prune that branch - make the tree healthier....
Funny, God! Seriously, I am dealing with this crap, wanting to get rid of it and you present me with an actual branch that needs pruning. Yes, I get it! (Yes, God has a sense of humor - thus the reason he created penguins!)
So I go ahead and get my saw and start pruning the dead tree branch (yes all of this happened just this morning). Yes I get the analogy! Time to trim the dead wood inside so I can "bloom" more strongly.
back to the T appointment... I let him know I really want to pursue treatment from a PTSD perspective. This means looking at the various treatment options available: EMDR, Somatic therapies, Touch Therapy (talk about triggering!). Also looking into faith-based treatment options.
I also want to look at the "black hole" of my memory from 1st grade. Something happened then. No idea what. But I believe it needs to be unlocked to allow me to take the next steps on my Healing Journey.
Funny, as I mention the PTSD and the "black hole" to my T, I could feel small TREMORS on my left arm (it happened twice!)! Was that real?!? Like my body was reacting to just the thought of uncovering more stuff! (eyes tearing up again)
Due to our schedules, we are only able to meet about once per month. I think that will be fine. With MS, my 2 CR meetings weekly, my monthly ASCA meetings, I have enough to keep me busy, grounded, and learning between T sessions.
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