Why am I so terrified???

Why am I so terrified???
Well, I'm back from my T's appointment.
I'm feeling relieved, got to process lots of stuff, calming a lot of my fears.
So I'm onboard with our plan of backing off so I can focus on self-care, as I've been working too hard on this and I need a breather.
I feel he's definitely on my side and that helps a lot.
 
PRFL said:
. It took me until age 18 when I decided to turn off the light at night, as I myself decided I was old enough for that.
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I still, in my 50s, like to sleep with a night light!!
 
NC-Survivor said:
I still, in my 50s, like to sleep with a night light!!
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I completely understand why!
I do have a night light in the kitchen and bathroom so I won't stumble at night if I need to go to those places, but I was terrified of darkness for many years, so I completely get where you are coming from.
 
Interesting you have a male T - My most recent Ts have been female - (lots of male fear and anxiety and lack of trust of men in general, getting better but still struggle with this) - however, in support groups, I have had a lot of success with male group leaders without issue. Perhaps subconsciously I feel there is "safety in numbers" -- hoping to attend my first WoR, but the thought of sharing a room with Men I do not know is very scary - I like the option of the 3-man room. I would feel much more comfortable in that environment - again "Safety in Numbers"
 
Maybe I feel comfortable with male T's because to me, being rejected by males (father, bullies) was a lot more traumatic than being molested by another boy, which was non-violent but extremely confusing. I also fear women's femininity as I was feminized by my mother against my will. I tend to seek males because I'm hungry for their approval, and a common issue for me with male T's is that of distinguishing a legitimate need for male approval from a sick neediness of their maleness because I feel so inadequate on my own. I generally don't fear being physically or sexually hurt by men (unless they are loud and verbally abusive) and the male T's I've found in general are very kind and supportive. It's much harder for me to trust a nurturing feminine female T because i fear being smothered and feminized. I've done lots of work in that area so I can work with either gender despite my discomfort. It so happens that while I'm backing off the sessions with my male T, I'll be seeing a female counselor in between sessions, and I'm willing to do that despite residual discomfort. It helps that I've seen her before and have great rapport. Ultimately, it's about learning when to trust your gut and when to trust your cognitive brain, working towards re-aligning them so they are not at war with each other, as has been the case with me for the last few weeks. For the time being, my brain and my gut are having a truce, hopefully we can work towards a permanent peace treaty.
 
well, PRFL, you inspired me - I just now (in the last 10 minutes) made an appointment (actually first contact with his office, waiting on a call back for the 1st appointment) with a new MALE therapist (one my previous female therapist previously recommended - and takes my insurance!) -- I think this will be a healthy "next step" on my healing journey.
 
Oh, WOW!
That takes a lot of courage and I'm humbled that in some way I was part of your inspiration, but you need to give yourself the credit for being courageous enough to walk through your fears and actually take that step. I hope it works out well. I must tell you that it may not, at first, as it might be hard to find a great match on the first try. If that happens, don't get discouraged. Even if it doesn't work out, the fact is that you can get through it and survive it. Chances are, it WILL be OK. Most people I've met in this journey have been kind and supportive, so the odds are in your favor.
I've been to multiple T's, sometimes it worked great, sometimes it didn't, but I learned valuable lessons from each one, even the ones that weren't so helpful.
You've probably heard that a 1000 mile journey starts with the first step. Who knows what kind of journey it might be? I know in mine, I've found peaks, valleys, beautiful places, ugly places, rocky places, scary places, peaceful places, inspiring places, and they are all part of the same journey. I myself have been through a very rough, scary place recently but I'm starting to emerge from it, as I knew I will. Being that I've been in therapy off and on for so long, I know what to expect and sometimes, when turbulence hits, I just need to hang in there, eventually it passes, and I can relax and look out of the window at the beautiful scenery. I remember one particularly scary flight 30 years ago, we had some major storms and the pilot warned us in advance that it was going to be really rough, and it was. During the turbulence, the pilot kept talking to us, letting us know that we've already gone 10 miles, and there were several more miles ahead. This went on until we finally cleared the turbulence. It was very scary but I'm thankful that the pilot was caring enough to let us know what to expect during that rough time. It seems the same applies here. Your T, and hopefully us here in MS can let you know what to expect and provide a comforting voice during this process. I can attest to that, as during the past couple of weeks, the fellow members here in MS as well as my T have been comforting voices walking me through my latest turbulent patch. I feel I'm clearing the storm, so I'll allow myself to relax and enjoy the scenery.
Congratulations on your bravery. I'm proud of you.
 
Thanks PRFL, I appreciate it!!!
 
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