***trigger warning *"" why did he do that

Healing light

Active Registrant
I have a re-occuring nightmare about one particular night so I wondered if writing it out would help
I'd be around 21 it wasn't the first time he ( F) had sexually assaulted me or raped me as an adult
I knew by his deminar that night I was in a bit of bother, he hadn't been invited to the family gathering ( a wedding) but he had turned up anyway near the end of the night
Was he looking for me I don't know but it was me he were paying attention too
So I tried to ignore him sticking with a group. I had a hotel booked back in town and a cab so I thought I had given myself a safe exit. I had , had a few to many well more than a few
In the cab I felt sick so the driver stopped and let me out but he was annoyed about losing money waiting so drove off. So I started walking towards town
He F the pulls up in a van telling me to get in he will take me where I'm going , I said no but he never listened to anyone that said that
He forced me in the van no one to hear the scuffle noone to see it on a dark country road
At his he said he didn't know why I was fighting with him it was stupid since all he wanted was a bit of fun to end the night he managed to pin me head on the sofa knelling in front of it holding my hands behind my back he said since I was being awkward he would have to tie my hands there after he had he asked if that's what I liked being tied up and f***** because I sure behaved like I did. I felt sick I had tried my hardest to fight him off I had tried my hardest to keep myself safe and there I was he was going to rape me again no mercy
Told me I looked fit start undoing his trousers sat down and put my head in his groin and made his demands he was already hard had the fight turned him on? He told me to do it good just how he liked or I'd be sorry I did as I was told feeling defeated

Bit like now thought I could write this and I can't I'm done

Thanks for the safe place MS

Peace
HL
 

Healing light

Active Registrant
The nightmare I wake up from feeling like I'm choking and im panicking heart feels like it's going to burst right out my chest. I have usually woke my lassie up already she finds this one quiet difficult to watch the effects of it takes me time to realise I'm safe I usually land up sitting on the floor with the duvet not wanting to be touched or even looked at takes ages to calm down and I rarely sleep after at all the nightmare is only a sniper of the whole event well the but I remember anyway

It needs processing some how one day

Peace
HL
 

KMCINVA

Member
Healing Light

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Nightmares are very unsettling and can leave one frightened and riddled in anxiety. Have your tried any breathing exercises, writing, listening to music to help you regain calmness and sleep. It took me some time before I was able to effectively bring myself back to a calm state.

As you process the abuse, in time you will be able to gain some control of the abuse. I hope talking and writing about the abuse is helping you to process.

Kevin
 

Esterio

Member
Hi Healing light

I Sorry you are struggling with these what my doctors are calling night terrors. I started to have them over 20 years ago. I would wake up the whole house wake up in a full on Panic attack, scared the shit out of my wife and our dogs. They have continued to occur most nights for the last 20 years. I would wake up and have no memory of what was going on just before it would happen.

Two years ago I had EMDR only one session with it and in the weeks that fallowed I woke up and had a memory of what was happening. I would find myself cold and sitting up in my bed with all the bedding on the floor. It was the sudden impact of me hitting a car on my Motor Cycle. I had very little memories of that accident and a month or so after it. I now know the make and colour of the car I hit.

I was prescribe a medication last fall that has lesson them to once a week or some times 2 weeks.
The name of the medication is Prazosin. It might be worth looking into for you. It is a medication used to lower blood pressure and it works the same way in the brain to lesson night terrors.

You are right it needs to be processing.

I hope you get some relief my friend.

Take care
Esterio
 

Healing light

Active Registrant
Thanks Kevin and esterio

Appreciate your replys

When I regain some reality I input breathing and grounding techniques it takes sometime to get to that bit. I would like to get to that bit sooner.
It can be scary for those looking on and give them a sense of powerlessness like we ourselves feel also
I will research the medication you suggested esterio. This one is a regular that is still super intense as I have been unable to broach it in therapy or indeed at all anywhere the feelings are all very real.
I spend the day after dazed like I have today as they all rushed back
I close the door on the incident thinking I can't deal with that right now this being the upteenth failed attempt at facing it and how it makes me feel I grounded now though and I'm hoping I can stay that way maybe build strength and have another go
Writing here really does help being amongst you guys is a blessing

Peace
HL
 

Esterio

Member
Hi Healing light

Just keep writing it is a way to get it out and it needs to come out. I'm sorry this is affecting you so badly. There is nothing easy about Adult sexual assault. when it happens more than once it is even harder to deal with. For a lot of my life I felt like I had a sign on my back saying I was available for sexual assault. I am not sure how they could tell, someone told me they have the same psyche as high pressure sales people have they can tell when someone can be taken to the cleaners.

So hard to go through
Peace be safe my friend
Esterio
 
Last edited:

MJCS

New Registrant
I have a re-occuring nightmare about one particular night so I wondered if writing it out would help
I'd be around 21 it wasn't the first time he ( F) had sexually assaulted me or raped me as an adult
I knew by his deminar that night I was in a bit of bother, he hadn't been invited to the family gathering ( a wedding) but he had turned up anyway near the end of the night
Was he looking for me I don't know but it was me he were paying attention too
So I tried to ignore him sticking with a group. I had a hotel booked back in town and a cab so I thought I had given myself a safe exit. I had , had a few to many well more than a few
In the cab I felt sick so the driver stopped and let me out but he was annoyed about losing money waiting so drove off. So I started walking towards town
He F the pulls up in a van telling me to get in he will take me where I'm going , I said no but he never listened to anyone that said that
He forced me in the van no one to hear the scuffle noone to see it on a dark country road
At his he said he didn't know why I was fighting with him it was stupid since all he wanted was a bit of fun to end the night he managed to pin me head on the sofa knelling in front of it holding my hands behind my back he said since I was being awkward he would have to tie my hands there after he had he asked if that's what I liked being tied up and f* because I sure behaved like I did. I felt sick I had tried my hardest to fight him off I had tried my hardest to keep myself safe and there I was he was going to rape me again no mercy
Told me I looked fit start undoing his trousers sat down and put my head in his groin and made his demands he was already hard had the fight turned him on? He told me to do it good just how he liked or I'd be sorry I did as I was told feeling defeated

Bit like now thought I could write this and I can't I'm done

Thanks for the safe place MS

Peace
HL
M, I'm very sorry to read about your nightmares. Do you see a psychiatrist/primary care physician regularly? If not, please do so immediately. I too had violent nightmares for many years until my doctor suggested a medication. Actually, my doctor and I almost accidentally stumbled upon it while discussing my enlarged prostate problem. The pharmaceutical company that makes Prazosin found that in addition to helping with enlarged prostate symptoms, it also helped people with PTSD/nightmares. In my case, it helped tremendously. Please discuss this possible option with your doctor. It could help. Take care!
 

Healing light

Active Registrant
Thanks for your replys guys appreciate them sorry for the delay in responding what with ms moving platforms learning to manuva the new page it's been a while since I posted this
My sleep is still not great I'm due a medication review shortly see if they change anything in that respect I will try and explain more of what occurs this time as well I think at the appointment
I know I need to some how at some point out and process the above memory in original post

Peace
HL
 

Tom E.

Active Registrant
Thanks for your replys guys appreciate them sorry for the delay in responding what with ms moving platforms learning to manuva the new page it's been a while since I posted this
My sleep is still not great I'm due a medication review shortly see if they change anything in that respect I will try and explain more of what occurs this time as well I think at the appointment
I know I need to some how at some point out and process the above memory in original post

Peace
HL
My sleeping is difficult too.
 
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