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Don't think I don't appreciate everyone's good wishes and helpful thinking, I do more than I can express. I'm not trying to be difficult and I agree with what everyone says but unfortunately I am lightyears from being there. I know I have to work on it and my meds have helped tremendously to calm me down, more or less stop my mood swings and let me sleep most of the time quietly.

There are two things that I see I'm having trouble conveying to everyone about my childhood. The first is that my childhood was my "normal" I never fought the way I was. Second I know some of you know about that year I was forced to do things that I will regret forever. What I think that everyone here is missing is that whether I was forced or high as a kite I destroyed many souls. The screaming crying faces I see everyday. Yes I was forced, yes I was scared of the torture and yes I was only the stick used to make these people money, this stick has feelings though. I have trouble forgiving myself just because I wanted to save my own ass. This is the image I have of myself.

I had better stop here, I'm having a problem with this at the moment.

I just want to thank everyone for their kindness. I want to wish everyone peace, healing and a happy better and brighter new year.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
Dear everyone.

I realise that what you are all saying and I know deep down that you are all correct but I have this little shit devil on my shoulder that I have to overcome. Like someone told me recently that I should try and listen more. But like I said that if someone says something nice or honest that little shit on my shoulder protests and says that I was never a good kid. I could list out a whole long list but that's not the point of this post. I just want to acknowledge how much help you all have been and that I'm trying to work with all of you to change the image of myself.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, I will try and be a better listener.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
Hey BuffaloCO

How do we find your video? I would really like to see it

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
Hey BuffaloCO

This last post of yours shows a lot of hard work on your healing in order to get to a point where you weren't triggered making that video. I love the way you worded it, this is a really huge step in your life. You shine with optimism which in one way makes me think that I will overcome my past someday. Unfortunately at this point in my life I know that could never happen because of the shit I was involved in. I see and understand why you would say that even I am able to recover my Image. The problem is that the only image I ever had or remember is not one of not having a normal image to look back on. I could wish there was another image but now it's trying to live with an image that is the only one I knew of and that's not normal in any way.

Thanks for the post I appreciate it tremendously.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
Hey BuffaloCO,

I look forward to the time when you do get to the point of making a video that you can show us. No doubt it'll be a real inspiration. The fact that you made a recording with zero triggering shows fantastic progress. Congratulations.

This thread started last December when at the time you were looking forward to a new job that would allow you to continue with the T. I hope that has worked out nicely, it sounds as if you're making great progress.
 
Hey BuffaloCO,

I don't think that a physical video is necessary. The virtual image of what you went through and how you are fighting to get back your image is just as big a step as a viewable video.

Love and support

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
Hey BuffaloCO

I was thinking about what I said to you earlier. I know a picture can be worth a thousand words but when the image cannot be seen the person has to work very hard so that he can express his feelings (image) in words. The effort you put into that virtual image of your feelings seems to me to be like that of an artist. The artist creates his art through the virtual image of his feelings. So his art is a story book of his feelings that he is putting onto canvas. The art is an extension of the artist's feelings put to canvas and in your case in a post. Once you can create that virtual image in words you can at some time in the future put those feelings and create an actual image of your feelings in a video.

I hope this all makes sense.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
Everyone, this is amazing. Everyone's situation is different, but to see what people have gone through and survived is simply incredible. What I've seen again and again is boys finding ways to survive things adults would find unimaginable.

The people in each of our lives who were so destructive were also good at creating no-win situations. Each of us, in one way or another, were forced to do what happened. Whether the force was applied through grooming, through expressions of affection, through gifts and "love" or threats and coercion, none of us were ever in a situation where "just walking away and telling someone" was ever a viable option.

Had any of us had that option, I'd be willing to say none of us would have ever wound up here. We could have sought treatment, restored what our lives were before the bad things happened, and moved on. But that's not how it works. We were HELD there, often in a variety of ways, and there WAS no way to escape. Any illusions of "volition," especially when it comes to things that we may have done with or to other boys, are nothing more than that-- illusions. Lies. Pick your word. But the choice for all of us was, "Do you want to do something that will screw you up for my benefit, or would you like to do something that will screw you up for my benefit?" There was NO third option.

Personally, I have a whole world of respect for anyone who feels bad for causing another person pain, even if it was done under severe duress. "Bad" people wouldn't care. They'd just say, "Well, better you than me, bud!" and be nonchalant about it. If it's bothering you, regardless of how "free" you thought you might have been to refuse, it means you're a good person. Count your lucky stars that you came through all this with a sense of empathy for your fellow humans and a sensitivity to others' pain.

Gentlemen, you're an amazing bunch of guys. I count myself honored to be here among such men.

Bob
 
Hey Bob

Your comments were so very thoughtful, sweet and true. If only we were given another choice. It's true for so many of us that there was not even a "second" choice in what was going on with us. Our lives and souls did not belong to us anymore. As for me I understand very clearly the chain of events and how "things" happened. I understand the puzzle that was my entire childhood. Now I have to try and live with the things I did. So many times I wake up in the morning wishing I hadn't. It's hard sometimes.

Thanks for being so thoughtful :)

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
 
Hey Bob,

That was an amazing post. I just felt so much wisdom, love, and compassion from you there and it really made me feel a hell of a lot better and motivated. Lately I have been feeling quite triggered and vulnerable- guilty even- about my abuse and how there is still so much out there which reminds me of it and that this stuff still goes on. I was feeling angry at myself for continually exposing myself to triggers. But this is me trying to work through the pain and the guilt. And your words about the guilt being a sign of our goodness did make me feel a little better. So thank you.
 
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