New Memories-Zac

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New Memories-Zac

Erik Zachary

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I thought that the only bad things happened with my ex boyfriend when I was in high school. As I have just remembered this unfortunate evening it goes back a long long way.

I have this memory from when I was 5 of one of the older kids (8 or 9 maybe) from up the street in Texas coming over to my house while my family was outside and forcing me physically to watch pornography. It was a video of a man with a fleshlight (is that what they are called?).
I can't remember anything else happening that day.
A few days after the same kid had me over to his house and took his penis out in front of me then pissed into a empty water bottle. He tried to get me to drink it and then when I refused he tried to get his even younger sister to have some. I don't think she did.

I am female to male transsexual. I began feeling very wrong in my body in my 8th grade year.
When I was 14, in CA, a large portion of the girls from my 8th grade class got in extensive trouble for sending nude photos to the older boys at the local Catholic boy school. That summer one of my nice and caring online friends introduced me to her boyfriend who lived in Hawaii. He was in his 20s and all the time pester me for pictures of between my legs. He would send me videos of him masturbating and expect me to reciprocate. If I failed to he would threaten to tell my friend what I had done. So I did what he asked and we even got on Skype once or twice, where he had me insert objects into my rear end. He was the only person at the time to call me a boy. I was "his little boy". I knew what I was doing was so so wrong, I don't know why I really did it.
He one day stopped talking to me and I do not know why.

I was the typical emo kid 3 years ago during my freshman year of high school in California. I got bullied and harassed by staff and students alike. After trying to kill myself that November I was allowed to leave that horrible school and instead attend a independent study program. I do all my work at home and then go to class once a week for an hour. I was also prescribed testosterone that March.

Being bullied, and being the only trans kid in this area I felt so alone. Going to the independent study made it worse. Isolated and confused I came upon and online FaceBook group for trans-teens.
I met my abuser there.

I was so desperate to have someone that I managed to fall for a trans dude in Louisiana. We started long distance dating. Everything in our relationship was fine at first. A few months in and I started to notice some red flags but I ignored them.
He saw that I was so alone and isolated and used that to keep me dependent on him. He started doing little things, passive aggressive things to me if I didn't say or do what he wanted. It began to be more apparent but I didn't see it or do anything about it. If I had people over and didn't text him back within 3 minutes he would call my mother and tell her I smoked pot one time in the house, or that I drank with my older brother.
He made me tell him whenever I left the house, where I was going, and when I got home.
So many more little things like that that just kept building up.

Eventually he wanted to masturbate with me over Skype. He wouldn't take no for an answer. I would do what he wanted and always feel so disgusted with myself. If I ever hesitated to do something or not do it the exact way he wanted he would make me punish myself by punching, slapping my crotch. This would happen multiple times a week.

He came to visit me in the spring of 2016. I never had a second to myself the whole 2 weeks he was here.
This was before my chest surgery so I still had breasts and they made me so uncomfortable and he knew that. He would touch them and bite them. One night he was doing that and I finally asked him to stop, he didn't. I asked him again to stop, and he did for about 3 minutes, then he started doing it again. I tried to get up and leave the room but he held on to me tighter than before and started to make me feel guilty for not wanting him to touch me like that. So he started biting again and I didn't say anything.

He went back home and it was just more of the same emotional manipulation and unwanted skype sex. He got bored with the skype sex and would manipulate me into inserting other objects into myself.

He came to visit for Christmas in 2016. This time he brought bondage toys. I can't remember anything from then except the times he would yell at me. I remember how he would hit me on the back of the head when I didn't do something the way he wanted me to sexually. He tied me down and forced himself into me. He forced me to preform oral sex and put a blindfold over my eyes.

I went to visit him in the summer. He again tied me down but this time forced a sex toy that was too big. He would hit me on my head and rear.

This went on for almost 2 years. Almost every night was something horrible. Everyday I was his emotional punching bag. He wore down my self esteem and made me disown my own body. I tried to tell my mom about the emotional problems since I was only 16. She didn't see a problem.
I broke up with that person 2 or 3 times in those 2 years but ended up going back to him. I would go to my mom for advice and she would say I should give him another chance. One of my best friends talked me into getting back with him.

I broke up with him for the last time Feb 2017.

I started dating a new person in August of 2017. This new guy is great! He was my friend during all that bad stuff (not the same one I mentioned before). He understood and knew before we started dating that I would struggle with lots of things.

It took me a long time to realize all these things. This is an updated story as I have remembered new things.
I struggle greatly with trying to repair the vast amount of emotional damage.

Thank you for reading.
-Zachary
 
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